Communicate!
New brides are often very shy and reserved, walking on egg shells in the presence of their husbands and in-laws in the first months of their marriage, in order to avoid doing or saying anything that could cause harm to the budding new relationships.
This shyness is, for the most part, praiseworthy and commendable, except in the marital bed!
Even months after the wedding, their inhibitions by and large completely shed in the bedroom, brides still tend to presume that their husbands should know what they want them to do in bed, which is often far from the truth.
Most new husbands are totally lost about what pleases or displeases a wife sexually, and they are not knowledgeable about what cues regarding her body language to look for.
Men are better with clear-cut instructions and straightforward conversations, however. Therefore, the best thing a new wife can do for her sexual relationship is to ditch the verbal shyness with her husband, and let him know clearly what she likes and dislikes.
If she cannot get herself to say this because of her culturally conservative upbringing, she can give the do’s and don’ts to him in written form.
Every individual is different, but there are some general guidelines about sexual preferences that apply to most women, such as a woman’s erogenous zones and turn-on’s as well as turn-offs.
For example, distractions, lack of attention, body odor, not being gentle enough, lack of loving words, general clumsiness while touching, showing too much haste, repetition of the same ritualistic routine, are things that turn most women off.
Women are usually better with words than men. Instead of keeping your desires bottled up inside, communicate them to your husband when you both are alone, because Allah has not forbidden this kind of talk between a husband and wife.
Rather, anything halal that serves as a catalyst to increase their mutual love and sexual satisfaction is greatly encouraged and recommended in Islam!
Discard Burdensome Cultural Baggage
There are some unspoken myths about marriage that people tend to tenaciously adhere to, but for which there is no Islamic proof. These myths are mostly based on how we are raised, by witnessing our parents live a certain way.
Sadly, we fall into the trap of subconsciously aping their style of living after our own marriage.
For example, nowhere does it say that a married couple must always be intimate on their bed, inside their bedroom, at night, with the lights off.
If the requisite privacy is there, the couple can be intimate in different locations in their personal space, in order to spice things up. e.g. in front of the fireplace during winter, in the basement, or even in the bathtub. As long as no one else can see or hear them, any place is good!
They can also change the time of intimacy to daytime, keeping in mind that there are no pre-set rules; no do’s and don’ts in Islam about this, which means that there is a lot of room to keep the spark alive.
Last but not least, couples should discard frugality when investing in reigniting a waning spark, e.g. after a period of loss and grief. Purchasing new apparel, and going on short vacations to a cabin in the mountains, or a foreign resort is money well spent, especially if it makes a husband and wife fall in love like newlyweds again.
Once a married couple discards their adherence to self-imposed presumptions and rules regarding marital intimacy, they will be well on their way towards a super-satisfying sexual relationship, insha’Allah.
First published: June 2013
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