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General Counseling with Counselor Aisha

Aisha Mohammad
15 April, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

Thursday, Apr. 18, 2019 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.

I am a divorced father who has remarried. I am a Muslim and my wife is too. What do I do when my wife and I try to teach my daughter about Islam and my ex-wife tells my daughter not to listen to me?



As salamu alaykum dear brother,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session. You stated that you are divorced, and you did remarry. You are Muslim and so is your wife. You also have a daughter by your ex-wife and you and your new wife teach her about Islam. May Allah bless you brother for all your efforts.

 

Ex Wife Interfering with Islamic Teachings

 

Concerning teaching your daughter, sadly, your ex-wife tells your daughter not to listen to you concerning Islam. Brother this is a common conflict when people get divorced and one of the parents is not Muslim. Perhaps your ex-wife really does not like Islam, or perhaps she is jealous that you remarried and is trying to use this against you.  Whatever the reason, it is devious.

 

Communication

 

I’m not sure how old your daughter is, but I will kindly advise you insha’Allah, to continue teaching her about Islam as well as address the conflict of communication coming from your ex-wife. You may wish to discuss the importance of Islam and the blessings of being Muslim. You may also insha’Allah, (depending on her age) wish to discuss with her the fact that you and her mother do not have the same religious values, but that as her father you will continue to teach her about Islam and hope that she will follow this path, which is the right path.

 

A Position of Strength and Dedication

 

When speaking to your daughter, whatever you do please do not put down her mother’s views. I am sure that you don’t, but I must mention it as it is easy to let little things slip. That will only cause a bigger problem. I know this is hard because your ex-wife is basically telling your daughter not to listen to you, as well as telling her not to follow Islam.

 

This is a very serious matter, so it is hard not to say something that is contrary.  However, it is best to approach the matter from an Islamic perspective when your daughter is with you, which includes guiding her in the right direction and discussing the differences of views in a way she can understand. Your daughter will respect your position insha’Allah and see you coming from a position of dedication and strength.

 

Conclusion

 

Brother, please do make your time with your daughter fun, joyful, and meaningful. Take her to the Masjid and Islamic events.  As Ramadan is coming soon, this is a perfect time for her to experience all of our Islamic devotions as well as festivities.

 

Introduced her to other girls her age and help her to begin to develop friendships. Insha’Allah she will develop a connection and love as well for Allah and our prophet (PBUH). If she develops love in her heart for Allah swt, nothing can dissuade her- not even your ex-wife. What you are doing brother is planting little seeds in her which insha’Allah will grow. Make duaa to Allah to help you guide her.

 

Ask Allah to protect your daughter from those who try to pull her away at such a tender young age. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

I have cried and I feel so sick. I can't sleep at night. My daughter, who is 14, just decided to live with her father and the court allowed it. He has never been a good parent. We divorced when she was a baby. Her desire to live with him was granted by the court even though he admitted dealing with her badly all the last years, and that he saw nothing wrong with that. I am so heartbroken.

I know she will have no supervision there, and no one will watch what happens with her school work and such. The place he lives in is a rough area. The school is noted as not a very good one. But what hurts most of all is that I feel she has tossed me to the side, and all that I have done for her for years means nothing to her. I feel dead. I don't know how to deal with my daughter.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your daughter. I can feel your pain through your question, and it must be a terrible feeling. Why the courts gave her father custody is beyond me. According to you, he has never been a good father and has treated her badly in the last few years.

 

Valid Concerns

 

I understand that you’re concerned about her having no supervision nor anyone to help her with her school work. I also understand your concern that his home is in a rough area, and that the school is not very good. These are all valid stressors when it comes to thinking about your daughter living with her father.

 

Sister is obvious that you love your daughter very much. You sacrificed so many years and have given her a good upbringing concerning Islam, education, morals and values. I know that it is very hard when the father is not really involved, or he is not a good father in terms of providing for her or guiding her down the right path. However, I do know that the biggest blow to you right now is that you feel your daughter has rejected you.

 

Feeling Rejected

 

I don’t know what precipitated your daughter and her father going to court to change custody. I’m not sure if you and your daughter are having disagreements at home, or if this was a spur-of-the-moment decision. Please know sister, that the age of 14 is a very difficult age especially between mothers and daughters. Often mothers and daughters’ conflict at this age. It is normal. It could be that her father has taken upon himself to use this as an advantage by having your daughter move in with him. Or perhaps your daughter feels she will be happier there with more freedoms. Whatever the reason, know that despite this move, your daughter does love you very much.

 

Reality may be the Best Teacher

 

It is my feeling sister that once your daughter does move in with her father, a few things will happen. First, she will realize how much you did for her. It appears that her father did not do much for her, nor will he do for her while she’s there either. She will realize this.

 

She will have a lot more responsibilities. She will find that she does not have the love and support that she had at home. I’m willing to bet that she will also have a hard time adjusting to the new school and generally, all thee factors will cause her to really examine her life insha’Allah.

 

I think this is experience will help her develop an appreciation for you as well as help her to gain a better perspective.  Insha’Allah, it may force her to examine what it is she truly wants out of life. Insha’Allah, she will realize all that you have done for her and sacrificed. Perhaps this is a wake-up call for her. Nothing happens but by Allah, and Allah knows best.

 

Conclusion

 

Please rest assured sister that your daughter loves you very much. Look at this as a temporary separation and something that your daughter needs to go through to learn, be more aware of what she does have, and appreciate her life in general. You are in our prayers.

 

Salam, my daughter got engaged for 4 months. She will get married this year in September. She is always on the phone with her fiance and goes out with him and comes back late. I have explained the consequences and even threatened her. She doesn’t seem to bother. It is upsetting our family members. Even the walimah too, she is having songs and stuff which is against Islam. I have taught her all this in her younger days. She seems to be more accommodating to the boy's side. Should we attend her walimah ?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  Congratulations on the engagement of your daughter. I can imagine that this is a very happy, yet stressful time for you.

 

Haram Behaviors before Marriage

 

Some points of stress you have outlined. You indicated that your daughter has been on the phone with her fiancé and goes out with him and comes back late. I’m not sure if she did this prior to being engaged to him, however, she may feel that they have the liberty to do this as they are engaged. As we know, this behavior is haram because they are not married yet and can lead them into great danger, even jeopardize their marriage plans.

 

Approach your Daughter

 

Sister, perhaps if you approached her in a different manner she may listen to what you have to say. Take her out for lunch or dinner and try insha’Allah to make it a fun, casual experience. When speaking with your daughter, insha’Allah ask her how she feels, inquire about what she is thinking regarding her marriage and her current thoughts on an Islamic marriage. If you approach her with anger, she’s going to shut down and not listen. However, if you approached her as a friend, even though you’re still her mother, she may be more inclined to listen.

 

You may wish to speak with her about the great blessings of marriage and discuss with her the wonderful future she will have insha’Allah. Perhaps telling her about your own engagement and how excited you were, will reconnect the two of you. By sharing your feelings with her about how you felt about getting married, perhaps she will begin to see that you too, have had similar feelings as she is having.

 

Insha’Allah, you might want to point out the importance of being careful with behaviors.  You may wish to share an experience that relates to how you overcame a temptation while waiting for your wedding day.  Additionally, insha’Allah, explain that that you didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize the blessings of Allah.

 

In this context perhaps insha’Allah, she will understand that if she engages in her haram behaviors, she and her fiancé will not gain the favors of Allah, in fact it may even jeopardize their marriage in the future.

 

Your Daughter is now Responsible

 

As you have taught your daughter very well, and you have given her a good Islamic foundation, it is basically upon her at this age whether she follows the principles. However, she does need to show respect for you, as that is your home and you are still providing for her.

 

Regarding the walimah, as I understand, there will be songs and other things which is against Islam. You feel that she is trying to be more accommodating to her fiancé’s side of the family. Sister you may want to express your discomfort with her regarding her choices in music and the other things which you say are against Islam. Perhaps there can be concessions.

 

Walimahs

 

In cultures there are many ways in which walimahs are conducted. Festivities may be simple or elaborate and often there are activities at walimahs which everyone is not in agreement with. You may feel that your daughter is trying to accommodate her fiancé’s side of the family, and she very may well be, however, this is quite normal   She is trying to make both sides of the families happy. She may feel that she is letting down the boy’s side of the family if she refuses certain aspects of the walimah.  She may feel that you would be more understanding as you are her mother, and she is just getting to know her future in-laws.  However, she should consider both family’s feelings, and above all she should ensure it is Islamic.

 

This is her wedding sister, it is now between her and her fiancé, and Allah. Insha’Allah, how they conduct their walimah will be acceptable to Allah.  As with anything else in life, there are situations that we will be in that we do not feel are optimal for our Islam. However, this is where our test of faith, as well as strength, comes in. I cannot advise you whether you should attend because it is personal, and it is your daughter. I would say however that because it is your daughter, insha’Allah make duaa to Allah seeking His guidance on this matter.  I can kindly suggest that you do attend her walimah.

 

If there are things that you are you are uncomfortable with such as music being played, perhaps you could take that time to go for a walk while the music is playing.  In this way, you will still be there for your daughter-for a very important milestone in her life, yet you can still honor your conscious by taking a brief walk when things are not in an Islamic manner.

 

Conclusion

 

Insha’Allah you and your daughter will work it out sister. Talk to her as a friend now, she needs you both as her mom, and her friend.  Our moms are the best friend’s we will ever have.  We wish you both the best.