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Parenting Your Teens – Counseling Session

Aisha Mohammad
05 February, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

Wednesday, Feb. 06, 2019 | 14:00 - 16:00 GMT

Session is over.

I am very frustrated with my son’s examination results. After working so hard and making a lot of du`aa’s he is unable to get top marks. Can you help me?



As salamu Alaykum

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulties with your son’s examination results.  As parents it is important to us to see our child excel and do well in their studies.  Exams are particularly important and can be times of immense stress and pressure for students as well as parents.  However, it is more stressful for the student as they are the ones who are actively studying, worrying and ensuring that they are well prepared on the examination date.

 

Preparing for Exams and Outcomes

 

It sounds as if you and your son did prepare as best as you could, especially your son.  You stated he did not get “top marks”. I am sorry, but I am unclear what this signifies.  Did your son get a good grade but not as good as you had hoped for?  If this is the case I would kindly ask that insha’Allah, you praise him on his hard work and current accomplishments. Often when our children work very hard to get good grades (and do), we as parents may naturally wish for top scores and higher grades. We may let our disappointment and frustration show which only discourages the child.   If our children do get good grades, but not top scores, our reaction as parents can determine future outcomes.

 

Negative Responses and Damaged Self Confidence

 

When handled incorrectly, parents may express disappointment, anger, or even rage towards their child.  This may harm the child’s sense of accomplishment, sense of worth, confidence and self-esteem.  If repeated enough, the child may feel that no matter what he/she does it will never be good enough. This may result in the child giving up.

 

Correcting Poor Study Habits

 

If your son indeed got poor grades and did not really try to study or excel on the exam, then perhaps he needs help to develop better study habits. Perhaps a professional tutor may help, or study groups at school.  Insha’Allah, he should also be educated to understand the importance of good scores. Perhaps discussing with him statistics relating to test scores and college admittance may be effective.  Whatever the approach, insha’Allah it will be one conducive to open communication, encouragement and concern.  Children tend to attain higher levels when they feel capable and feel that someone believes in them and their abilities.

 

Acknowledging Good Work

 

If your son did get good scores but not the top scores, insha’Allah he will be praised for his efforts, encouraged, and assured that he will do even better next time.  This instills a sense of accomplishment in a child, as well as the belief that they can do better.  This approach is conducive to the development of a positive self-image, confidence, and increased future accomplishments.

 

We wish you the best!

 

I am torn between my husband and my son. My son is 21 years old. He went to college for 3 years in a university in our city. After high school, he was accepted at a prestigious university, but his dad forbade him to go so that he would live with us. He is a good person, a good student, and he did well here. The problem is that in the summer, he transferred to another university in another city and he lives in an apartment that he shares with three other students. He did that and defied his father, who threatened to disown him if he transferred and left our home. My husband and I begged him to stay and finish his degree here, then leave after he graduates, but he did not listen. Now my husband does not want him to enter our home ever again and he wants to disown him.

My son is not a bad person, but he rebelled because his dad is very strict, a perfectionist who is never happy with anything. His dad is also very controlling; he called my son names even when he was in college, and he forced my son to take the classes that he selected, although they were not required. My husband is not a bad person; he just thought he was being firm. My son prays and fasts; he has morals and works hard at school. I say that we should not cut relations with my son so that we can help him not to go astray and remind him of our beautiful religion. I also want to ensure that he succeeds in his study and in his life. I feel it is my duty as a parent. My husband thinks that my son disobeyed him and that he committed a great sin. My husband makes bad du`aa’ against my son, and says he will never talk to him again.

Is it haram for my husband to disown my son? What should I do myself? My husband fought with me when I sent my son food for Ramadan, and he forbids me to send him anything else. Please tell me, what is the Islamic solution to our problem? Is there a hadith that says to let go of your children when they are 21? Someone told me that. How can my son repent and make up with his father? I need your help badly. Thank you.



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

I am so sad to hear about what is going on with your husband and your son. You stated that because your son moved out, your husband is furious and wants to cut him off and demands that you do as well.

 

Trying to Please Parent

 

Your son was accepted into a prestigious school but was forbidden to leave home to attend. He did stay home and go to the college there, even though I can imagine he really would have rather go to the prestigious college as it was probably hard to get into. He took classes that he did not need to take, just because his father wanted him to and demanded it.  It sounds like your son desperately tried to make your husband happy. Your husband calls him names and is harsh with him. That is not Islamic nor is it effective parenting. You have a very good son who prays and fast, has morals and works hard at school as you indicated. This result must be very hard on him.

 

Sister, your son did not disobey your husband because your son is 21 and an adult. It appears that your son did everything he could to please his father, and when he could no longer take his father’s controlling, emotionally abusive personality he did decide to move out. That is his right. It was not disrespectful. It was a choice. Often, we must make choices to save our religion or save our mental health. Your son seems very pious.  It also seems he’s been putting up with emotional abuse from your husband for a while, and possibly he feared it would harm his faith or his emotional well-being if he stayed.

 

Be Pleased with your Pious Son

 

Your husband should be pleased and proud to have a son such as him. Why your husband does not want your son to leave the city to have a quality edication and just stay in the home, I do not know. However, as your son is an adult he is quite capable of making his own choices and decisions, he is his own person.

 

It does not seem that your son needs to repent and make up with his father. It seems that your husband needs to apologize to his son and repair the relationship. As your husband may be controlling and possibly stubborn and prideful, this may not happen any time soon.

 

As you stated, your husband is very angry that your son moved out.  He states he has disowned his son and demands that you do so as well. You stated that your husband fought with you when you sent your son food for Ramadan, and he forbid you to send him anything else.

 

My question is this, when you have a child such as your son who is pious, who fast, who’s a good student, who loves Allah, and has good morals, is this his reward from his family? I’m not directing this question at you sister I know you are stuck in a very hard place right now. This question is more less directed at your husband. I know you love your son very much and I’m sure that your husband does too.

 

It may be that your husband is having a difficult time dealing with a child who is now an adult with his own life and choices. Perhaps it is an issue of power and control. Possibly your husband resents not having control over your son. Insha’Allah, your husband will come to an understanding of what a wonderful son he does have and begin to appreciate that.

 

The Wisdom of Islam

 

Sister, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you speak with your husband.  Pick a time when there is calm and approach him from an Islamic perspective. Insha’Allah, appeal to your husband’s accomplishment of raising such a fine, respectful, pious young man.   Give him examples from hadiths about how the prophet Mohammad (PBUH) treated his family.  Illustrate through the Qur’an how it is commanded that these ties (family) not be severed. You may wish to advise your husband that you will not go against what Allah swt has decreed, and that as a Muslim who loves Allah and seeks to please him, he should not either.

 

In the Qur’an it states “And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has commanded to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse (i.e., they will be far away from Allaah’s Mercy); And for them is the unhappy (evil) home (i.e., Hell).” (al-Ra’d 13:25).

 

Conclusion

 

If your husband does not respond favorably, I would kindly suggest that you consult with the imam in your community.  Perhaps he can intervene and advise your husband on the grave repercussions of cutting off your son.  In the meantime, sister, please do continue to show love and support to your son.  He is probably hurting very much over this situation.  He needs you.  Yes, he is 21, but you are his mother/family.  You are in our prayer’s sister, we truly wish you the best.  Please let us know how things are going.

My older brother recently got married. It was a love marriage and I knew he was in a relationship with this girl for quite some time. My father passed away a few years ago, he was a very decent man, very well-respected in the community and he always raised us guiding us about Islam, not just verbally but with example. I knew my brother was having an affair and I used to tell him that it's not right, but I didn't create a fuss or anything.

I used to feel sad that what would my father think if he was alive? My mother also found out and advised my brother to fear Allah and not talk to her as she was a non-mahram. He didn't listen, but after few months expressed that he wanted to marry her. My mother had always told him to tell her if he was interested in marriage and she did not create any fuss and happily agreed. My mother and I went with him to the girl's house to formally ask her parents for her hand and engagement was done. Few months later nikah was also done. However, after their marriage I found out something terrible.

They had kissed (on the lips) each other sometime between engagement and nikah, or even before engagement, but they were definitely not mahram yet. I felt disgusted and literally sick. I could not believe my brother could do something like this. My poor mother thought he was only on talking terms with the girl and she was not comfortable even with that. I feel so sad, my parents tried their best to raise good, God-fearing Muslim children and this is what they end up with? I feel traumatized myself, I don't know what to do and how to get rid of this horrible feeling. I feel angry at my brother, he is otherwise a very nice and friendly person but I feel disgusted with him. This shows he has no respect for girls or for Allah's limits.

If he can kiss a girl before nikah, he probably doesn't have much respect for the women of his own family either. My brother is my wali as my fathe is not alive and I feel saddened to have such a morally corrupt man as my wali. How will he select a good spouse for me when he himself is like this? I have also lost respect for my sister-in-law as she was the one who described in detail, in very shameful words, how she kissed my brother and how that made her feel. It was a love email sent by her to him before their nikah, which I came across and read. I know this is my sin, I should not have read someone's private email. I do not want to trust her or my brother anymore. I wear hijab and am very conscious of mahram/non-mahram and I allowed my sister-in-law to take pictures with me on her wedding day in her phone.

After reading her email and finding out about their haram act, I feel disgusted with her too and feel like she is a licentious woman whom I should not have trusted with my hijab-less photos. I trusted her because she had become my brother's wife and I had readily accepted her as a part of the family.

I don't know if her parents know to what extent she had gone with my brother. If she has done everything behind her parents' back, if she has broken their trust and honor, how will she be loyal to any one else? How can I save myself and the rest of my family from her? Should I tell my mother or other siblings about their kissing? God knows what else they have done...



As-salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. Reading your question, I see you are very hurt.  I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such emotional turmoil right now. To summarize your situation, you have an older brother who is married. You stated that it was a ‘love marriage” and that your brother and his wife were seeing each other prior to marrying. You expressed that you feel really bad about his past situation because your father who was well respected in the community and passed away a few years ago, would be very hurt and upset. To make matters worse, you found out that they kissed on the lips before being married.

 

You indicated that you were so sick, disgusted that it left you traumatized. Additionally, you found “love email” that your sister in-law wrote to your brother prior to marriage. You described them as “corrupt” and now you cannot feel the same way about your sister-in-law and you lost respect for her. As your brother is your wali, and you feel he is corrupt and does not respect women because of this, you are wondering what to do.  Also, you wonder if you should tell your mother or siblings about their kissing.

 

Falling into Sinful Ways

 

Sister, alhumdulilah you have wonderful parents who raised you and your siblings with solid Islamic values.  This is a blessing. I understand your sadness, anger and feelings of being traumatized upon finding out about your brother and his now wife’s kissing and “love” letters.  Often when we love someone, and we see them one way, we don’t think that they would ever sin.  The truth is, we all sin-to varying degrees and none of us are immune from falling into haram behaviors. I can imagine that part of your anger, fear and trauma has to do with your love for your brother, as you don’t want to see him disobeying Allah.

 

It seems that your brother truly did care for this girl, he married her.  Many don’t.  He must have respected her as well because they are married. Men usually don’t marry women they don’t respect.  While what they did was haram yes, they did get married to make the relationship halal.

 

Personal Relationships with Allah & Forgiveness

Sister, we do not know another person’s relationship with Allah.  It could be that both your brother and his wife felt very bad and repented to Allah for their sins.  If this is the case (and it is their business) then it is between them and Allah.  As you know, Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive.  This is a blessing for us because we are imperfect as human beings.  We need Allah’s mercy and forgiveness.  Allah swt states He forgives those who sincerely repent-except for shirk up to the time of death. Therefore, as Allah forgives, who are we not to forgive?  Are we higher than Allah who is most high?  When we don’t forgive, it’s like saying we are the supreme judge and jury and whatever Allah has said regarding forgiveness means nothing to us.

 

Disclosing Sins

 

Regarding your question about telling your mother or siblings that they kissed before marriage, what would be the benefit of doing that? Would it encourage harmonious family relations?  Would it make your mother happy? Would it strengthen your brother’s marriage?  If they sought repentance and Allah’s forgiveness, would you be uncovering something that Allah has hidden? As these are things you “came across” by invading someone’s personal things, it also may be a sin.  In the Qur’an (1) it states “O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.”

 

Looking at Good Points

 

As your brother is your wali and you are uncomfortable, I would kindly suggest that you re-evaluate your feelings about this.   He is your brother, he will insha’Allah have your best interests at heart, despite his falling into sin in the past. You stated that he is “otherwise a very nice and friendly person”.  Please sister, focus on these points.

 

Conclusion

 

Sister I kindly suggest that you move on with your life and forgive your brother and sister-in-law as you would want to be forgiven as well. Please do make duaa to Allah to help you with this. Insha’Allah focus on the here and now-the good things that have come from the situation.  Your brother is married to the woman he cares for.  You have a new sister in law,  They have made their relationship halal, and insha’Allah they have repented to Allah.

  1. https://quran.com/49/12

My son wants to get married. He is 19 and studying now. I feel his pushing this too early but he has shown maturity in many ways and complains that it is easy to fall into sin in this generation. What should I do ? because no good family that I know would give their daughter to a boy who is studying. I want my son to have an established career. But he tells me that he can have an established career after marriage as well, please guide me what should I do?



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your concerns. As I understand your issue sister, your son is 19 years old, studying, and wants to get married. You also feel he has matured and are supportive of his desire to get married.  Your dilemma is that you feel no family will marry their daughter to your son until he finishes his studies and is in a career.  This may be true in many cultures’ sister; however, it is not an absolute.

 

Young Muslims in College and Married

 

There are a lot of young Muslims now who are married, and both are in college finishing up their studies.  Some get help and support from their parents, such as living with one of their families while in school.  Other married couples who are in school work as well.  It seems to be a bonding experience in which a married couple can grow together. I would kindly advise that you first seek a suitable potential wife in your community.

 

You may be surprised.  Perhaps there are a few families who do have a daughter in the same situation as your son, one who is in school still but desiring to get married. Often, young people in college will not mind working together financially, or accepting help from families, to secure a marriage. While yes, it is the husband’s obligation to support his wife, some girls are willing to create a marriage with the knowledge that a financially secure future will happen when studies are finished.

 

It is Best to Marry

 

Sadly, some parents cannot see the wisdom and value in this type of arrangement.  They want everything to be perfect and often require the potential husband to make a lot of money, this is not conducive to anyone.  In fact, it goes against what is advised in Islam, which is to marry if you fear committing zina.  It is best to marry. The points your son brought out about not wanting to fall into sin are valid indeed. Women have the same desires for intimacy, thus parents are only fooling themselves if they think this does not apply to females.

 

Utilizing Other Options to Seek Marriage

 

Sister, if your son cannot find a compatible mate where he lives, I would kindly suggest that he (and you) explore other options such as Muslim single groups, halal dating sites (Muslima.com) as well as networking with his friends and colleagues who may know of a nice sister.  There may even be a Muslim Student Association at his place of study which can assist. Sister, his options are not just limited to his current location but can be expanded depending on his search mode.  As we live in a world that is vastly online, it does offer some benefits in this way.

 

Conclusion

 

I would encourage him to explore his options and assist him as needed.  Insha’Allah, encourage him to expand his search beyond the traditional methods. Insha’Allah, Allah will bless him with a wonderful wife. We wish him the best!