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How to Overcome Life’s Challenges (Counseling Session with Hannah)

Hannah Morris
10 December, 2018

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Tuesday, Dec. 11, 2018 | 12:00 - 13:00 GMT

Session is over.

Hi. I need some advice and help on what to do. As I’m with someone who’s a white revert to Islam, and also I have been married before so I’m a divorcee and have a beautiful 4-year-old daughter from my previous marriage. I am a Pakistani woman aged 27 and living on my own and well when I told my parents about him they literally hit the roof, as they have disowned me and don’t want anything to do with me or my daughter. As I’m stuck I don’t know what to do.

Please, I really need some advice as I am stuck in the middle of all this. Like one way is my parents as they are emotionally blackmailing me to come home and forget everything including him saying leave everything.

Secondly, my daughter’s future, how that will go down if I marry him as I do love him but don’t want to leave him, as in my parent’s eyes and most socially and stuff it’s the norm of a Pakistani woman getting married to a white revert. I hope you can at least tell me something. As I feel like I’m doing bad to my parents as well as to him because he loves me and he’s willing to leave his entire family for me because they do not accept the case that he’s a revert to Islam.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Before even looking at your specific situation,  it’s important to remember that skin color and whether revert or not should be irrelevant in consideration of a person  (although, still comes with some challenges). Furthermore,  it is important to be aware of how it is also not Islamically acceptable to be with another person in a romantic way, before marriage. Although what has been done to now cannot be undone,  it is important to realize how this might impact on your feelings regarding this situation.

 

Your situation is made especially difficult in that it feels that one way or another you will be upsetting things with either your family or with him and that you cannot have both.  Feeling that you have to chose between one or the other is tough and comes with consequences whatever action you take.

 

When it comes to making such life-changing decisions, there are some things you can do to make the process easier on yourself and those around you.

 

First of all, consider your options. Think about and write down the consequences of making each. Write down the pros and cons of each and which option would be most pleasing to Allah. This will help you to see everything in perspective. Put it away somewhere and in the next few days, take that list out again and see how you feel about what you wrote down.  Add to it if other things come to mind.

 

Consult with a close and tried family member who will be able to advise you without the same emotional attachment that you have. Often,  it’s easy to forget the important things a become clouded by others leading to irrational decision making. They may even help you to consider things that you hadn’t even thought of.

 

Consider other options. If you are serious about marrying this man then perhaps arrange a meeting between the families to open his families eyes to Islam as well as your families eyes to the nature of this man to be able to judge him for who he is and not based on their own assumptions and stereotypes.

 

Amongst all this, pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to what is best for you, him and your family. If a marriage to him is meant to be and will be good for you then surely Allah will make it happen and if not, He will turn your heart away from it.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best decision that will be best for all and most pleasing to Him.

 

 

I am ashamed for not hating my cousin who did inappropriate acts. What should I do?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

The fact that you have jumped straight in to say that you are ashamed is a good start to moving on successfully as it gives you the motivation to make changes. As terrible as it is to feel shame, the good thing is that it will deter you from doing such a thing again to avoid having to experience this again, or in this case, striving to behave in a way that is more compatible with Islam.

 

If someone does something inappropriate, it does not mean that we should hate them as a person. Just because their behavior was bad, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

 

Without more detail, on the specifics of the type of act that was committed, we can only take a more broad approach in this case. As mentioned, it is not necessary to hate the person, but if it was inappropriate you should hate the act that was performed. Even though you said you don’t hate your cousin, the fact that you feel ashamed that you don’t at least implies that to some extent that you are aware that their behavior was not ok. Furthermore, because you state that you don’t hate your cousin despite what they did will make it easier for you to take action.

 

Depending on the gender of your cousin will also determine how directly you deal with it. If this cousin is a girl then you can talk to her directly about the matter to encourage her away from doing the same thing again. Likewise, if it is a male, you could ask a close family member to talk to him.  It may feel like you are interfering a bit at this point, but this is in the quest to direct the person back on the path of Allah and away from sin as a means to please Allah and avoid His punishment. You are doing this for the love of the person and Allah.

 

If you are not so comfortable to talk to the person then you can bring it up in a more casual way, talking more gently rather than sounding like you are preaching to them. If they are feeling bad, then this would be a lot easier and they will need your support in overcoming it more than anything.

 

Either way, you can provide indirect support in guiding them away from sinning by keeping close to them and encouraging activities that will guide them away from the sin. Reminding them of their prayers, for example,  inviting them to pray with you, or study or read Qur’an together. These things will keep their heart firm in the path of Allah which will indirectly keep them away from inappropriate acts that are not in accordance with Islam. This may also have the added effect of strengthening your own connection also. This connection will lead you to develop a hate towards the things that Allah’s hates also which will, in turn, give you added motivation to work with your cousin and assist them in starting away from this thing also.

 

May Allah reward your concerns and guide both you and your cousin on the straight path.

I had a dream many years ago that I was in jannah and I was talking to a man who was tall and fair. I ignored it due to the fact that I was married. Many years later when my marriage broke up I met a man who I knew instantly was the man in my dream. At this point, another man was perusing me they both had the same name both were twins both teachers and both had a condition one was colour blind the other had gluten intolerance. I was confused so I did istakhaara Allah showed me clearly in my dream which one was for me. I told my sister she said that it was my subconscious mind so I repeated the istakhaara twice on two seperate occasions and on both occasions I got the same answer.

This man has not accepted me either does he say no and I am stuck because I believe that he is my soul mate. I have tried and tried again to forget and move on but I'm stuck due to not being able to understand why Allah would show me and not give me.

I have asked an alim before who said stay away from what Allah forbids which I did and Pursue what Allah shows you to be right which I did. It's been five years now I will accept this man if he accepted me or forget him but time and time again I'm still here.

No one understands that it's not that I haven't the strength to forget him as I did the other one but it's my faith and belief in Allah that keeps me tied to him as I believe Allah is truth and istakhaara cannot be wrong.

But for some reason even tho I told this man I truly love him and will care for him he says no. I did go umrah asking Allah for help to either give him to me or free me of this so that I can live my life but I'm still stuck. Please don't get me wrong I asked Allah for pure love with respect and honor and I'm not a woman with loose morals but yet my Allah chooses to keep me without.

I do pray every day seeking forgiveness and peace of heart as Allah has blessed me with so much and I'm truly grateful for the life Allah has given me.

My sister says it's nafs and shaitaan but I say if I seek help from Allah them shud shaitaan answer my prayers it doesn't sit right with me.

I just want freedom from this burden please help me.



Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,

 

In this case, it seems like you have become so fixated in your desire that it is making it difficult for you to move on. Remember, if Allah has decreed this matter for you then He will make sure it happens. Of course, part of this process may be that you need to a patient before it happens, but at some point, you might have to accept that it is not meant to be and move on.

 

If you become fixated on it as you are, then your judgment may be clouded as you feel that you should continue to wait to feel that this is what Allah wants for you. Perhaps it is, but you need to also know when it is time to back down; when Allah is actually not giving you this thing because it is not for you. As you are sure that this is what is for you, you may have a hard time looking for anything beyond this. To manage this seeking advise from others close to you will help you to see the situation from an alternative perspective that is not focused on your own desires. Maybe what you see as Allah’s truth is a result of your own desires and feelings towards him. Seeking the opinions of trusted others will help you to see things more clearly around this matter.

 

He has already said no to marrying you so try to respect this as your continued pursuance could even be pushing him further away from you. Perhaps you could approach his family with your Mahram to discuss the matter seriously to find out if he really doesn’t want to get married, or if he’s willing to give it time or to get to know you a bit better. This might give you a more concrete idea regarding his situation. You will also have a trusted person with you who will also be able to judge the scenario through another set of eyes. If he is very clear in his rejection, then you really do need to leave it all behind you and move on and allow him to also.

 

Perhaps you might consider a middle ground that you will give him a certain amount of time to change his mind and if things don’t change then you should move on. As you are so fixated on this man this may be very difficult at first, especially when you don’t see any other option. However,  when you open your mind and seek other opportunities, you will find it a lot easier to move on. So, as you explore other proposals you will find that they may be other men out there that are even more suitable for you. Once you make this step in moving on, it will be a lot easier to let go of this other man.

 

In the meantime, continue to pray istikhara regarding the matter. Sometimes it can take time, but always remember that if something is meant to be and is good for you, then Allah will make it happen, and if not, then He will take it away from you and turn your heart away from it placing obstacles in the way of it moving forward.

 

May Allah grant a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

I just started doing MS and I am doing a job as well. I have a family two cute daughters alhamdulillah. I find it very difficult to learn my subjects and memorize things as I can not concentrate on one thing.

My favorite personality is Muhammad PBUH. I want to know ALLAH and his prophet's instructions to become a successful person here and after. I want to become a practicing Muslim and a knowledgeable person in this world and the hereafter. But shaitan leeds me to other paths whenever I want to concentrate.

Please tell me what should I do as I am very very upset. ALLAH bless us all.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh and ameen to your du’as.

 

Masha Allah, you seem to be very motivated to achieve these things and your intentions are good. Unfortunately, the tricks of Shaytaan and making this task difficult as it distracts you from doing the things you want. Shaytaan does not like when people try to get close to Allah and will do everything to take them away from it. However, there are many ways that you can deal with it such a way that such whispers will have little effect on you achieving your goals in increasing your knowledge of Islam.

 

From the Islamic perspective, you can fight Shaytaan by remembering Allah in everything you do; say the daily du’as before everything you do – before you eat, before you leave the house, before you enter the bathroom…etc.., maintaining your daily prayers, even if you are not feeling up to it, read a little bit of the Qur’an at least every day to increase your connection with Allah and make dhikr in spare moments that you face in your day. All this whilst seeking refuge with Allah from Shaytaan.

 

On a more practical note, since it would seem that you difficulties lie in learning, memorizing and concentrating, you can try some different study skills to make these things easier and therefor else’s likely to be those that prevent you from pursuing your studies.

 

Join a study group. Working with others gives you the opportunity to ask questions when you are unsure, as well as getting an added sense of motivation from others pursuing the same goal as you.

 

Manage your time well. With added responsibilities, such as having children, it is important to have a realistic schedule that incorporates all of your responsibilities. You might block out a certain portion of your day as study time so that, like a job, you know that every day from 8-10pm, for example, the time when you study.

 

Take regular breaks to avoid becoming overwhelmed giving yourself time to process what you are learning. This will be particularly helpful if you have a hard time memorizing things.

 

Set aside a study space. Having a space like this will help set you in the correct mode for study. When you enter this space, turn off all distractions,  such as your phone to assist with concentration. This space could simply be a corner in a room if you are limited for space.

 

Plan and set achievable goals. Write down all the things that you plan to study over the next few months for example and write a realistic plan of what you will study each week. This will keep you focused on the overall goal, as well as the smaller targets to reach this goal. This will break it down into manageable chunks making it seem a lot more doable. Having this plan physically written down somewhere where you can see will enable you to visualize your progress and keep motivated to achieve your next target.

 

May Allah reward you for seeking His pleasure and may He increase you in knowledge.