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Counselor Hannah Morris on General Counseling

Hannah Morris
23 July, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Thursday, Jul. 25, 2019 | 19:00 - 20:00 GMT

Session is over.

Assalamoalykum. I am 29 year old ,mother of a 2 year old boy and a new born baby. I am having problem with raising my toddler as after having my second child. My first grew stubborn and aggressive towards me. He pulls my hair and kicks me. I know he is doing all this to get my attention. I am trying to spend time with him now but its difficult to do so with newborn.

I can't give him as much time as I used to as. I am kind of raising him alone as my husband works in different city. I stop him gently whenever he pulls my hair or kick me initially but sometime I get so angry that I spank her and regret it immediately and I cry afterward. Please help me to control my anger as I am afraid of my angry outbursts. Thank you in advance



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Firstly, let me reassure you that what you are going through is a struggle of many parents. You are not alone and in sha Allah things will get better. Right now you feel swamped with the task of raising both a toddler and a newborn. A toddler alone or newborn alone is enough of a struggle, but you are managing both. And, with the absence of your husband much of the time due to work commitments he is not available to help out much either which places all the burden on your shoulders.

 

Masha Allah, the fact that you are reaching out for some advice is a good thing and a sign that you are trying your best to make things easy on your children as well as yourself in order that you can raise them well. May Allah reward your struggle.

 

Your initial response to your toddler in gently redirecting her is the best way to begin in managing her behaviour. However, as is commonly the case this seldom stops them from continuing with their behaviour which will often then drive the parent to lose their control and resort to more harsh measures wish usually then leads to the feelings of guilt once the parent has cooled down. The difficulty for the parents is keeping control of their anger when trying to manage too much at once; in this case trying to tend to the needs of both a newborn and a toddler.

 

It seems you have hit the nail on the head so to speak in identifying that the likely reason for her behaviour is that she is trying to demand your time. As you have already mentioned, you do try to give her this time, but with a newborn now you have less time to give her.

 

However, there are ways to work on this that work in everyone’s favour. Whilst you may not have as much time to give her one to one any more, you can still give her a portion of this when you can. Now, this time might not be as much as it once was, but you can give her more time that is shared with her new sibling.

 

Try to her involve her in the care of brother by having her involved in some tasks that she can help out with. For example, you can ask her to pick his clothes in the morning, ask her to help fetch the things to change his nappy.. Etc.. Rather than excluding her entirely when you are tending to your newborn, involve her. Alternatively, simply chatting with her and giving her attention that way whilst you deal with your newborn. For example, whilst feeding him, you could chat with her, or read her a book. This way you are tending to them both equ3and not excluding her. These types of approaches will also prevent any animosity that  may be evolving in her due to the increased attention paid to her new baby brother at this time.

 

Furthermore, the above approach not only will assist you in giving her the attention she is looking for whilst developing a bond between both him and her as well as you and her, but it also let’s her know that she can’t always be the center of attention and needs to share the attention of you with her brother, but in a gentle way without completely excluding her.

 

May Allah grant you patience during this struggle and may He give you the chance to see the fruits of your labour as they grow into children that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next, in sha Allah.

 

 

 

Assalamu aleykum va rahmatulloh. InshaaAllah I will get married in near future years. I have known that for the relationships between spouses are good,living happily, learning about their sexuality well plays an important role. So what kinds of qualities I should learn about female sexuality? If my question is wrong,sorry for this.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

As you have mentioned, as we know from what Allah has told us, spouses are a source of great comfort for one another. However, until marriage, our experience of the opposite gen3is limited to close relationships within the family and contact is little with others as one should restrain from any prolonged contact to the point that the gaze should be lowered and any conversation only relevant to the purpose of the interaction.

 

Either way, contact with the other gender is quite different to the type of contact one would have with a spouse. It is therefore little surprise that one feels unsure about the other gender when it comes to marital relations as the experiences to date are quite different. Having some understanding, as you are in search of, can at least help to reduce the anxieties a little as you will feel more prepared.

 

However, not everyone is as proactive at going out and seeking such information and instead enter into a marriage with no such knowledge. Whilst it may be ideal to have such knowledge, it is not completely essential. It is possible to have a happy, healthy relationship without such knowledge to begin with. In fact, since every one is different the best experience will come from getting to know you spouse yourself as the things she likes will be different from another woman. Getting to know one another like this is all part of the process of developing feelings for one another also as you learn new and exciting things about them with each day.

 

On the other hand, at least having some kind of general idea can be helpful, even if just to reduce your anxieties in having some ideas about what to expect. There are a couple of ways you can do this. Firstly, taking guidance from the Qur’an and Sunnah. This is where you will get the best advice about expectations of you as a husband and what to expect from your wife also, as well as guidance on how to approach multiple matters that arise in matters of marriage, including sexuality.

 

Additionally you can speak to those of experience. You may turn to religious leaders and scholars for advice on matters from the Islamic perspective. You may also turn to friends and family who have alresdy married to find out about their experiences as husbands. You could even turn to female relatives such as your sister if you have or your mum to get advice on things a wife might like. When it comes to matters of sexuality, this is not so appropriate, but more so when finding out about marriage more broadly. Another option is to read books on the topic also. This way you don’t have to openly discuss with others if you are shy to do so.

 

May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who will bring you happiness in this life and the next.

Sometimes my 5 year old brother disturbs me in a bad way and I give him a slap on the head lightly because he does more than just slapping me on the head or sometimes I don't slap,thus he tells my mom that I and disturbing him,then I tell my mom that he was doing it, but my mom says he is small and it is not his fault, and thus she punishes me, I understand that he is small, but it is not my fault either, and she punishes me, is punishing me in this case permissible?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

Difficulties between siblings at some point or another is almost an inevitable part of life. Our siblings are those that are close to us so it is not unusual to get into scuffles both verbally and physically. As you mom says, he is just 5 years old so to play like this is quite normal. However, just because he is young, it doesn’t excuse him or make it OK to be physically aggressive toward you or anyone else for that matter.

 

As his brother, you are closest to him and it is easier for him to get away with it than if he behaved this way to his friends or even extended family members. He knows that you love him unconditionally and cannot really abandon him. However, he also now knows that he won’t be punished for his behaviour, and in fact you will so he also has no deterrent to stop, so it is of little wonder why he continues to behave in this way.

 

However, you should also understand that your actions towards him as well may also be encouraging his continued aggression. As much as you dislike him slapping you, you slapping Jim only lets him know that to slap people is acceptable behaviour. He looks up to you as an older brother and will copy your behaviour because he sees you as his role model. Just an additional point also, even in the rare cases that it is ok to use physical punishment towards another, it is not OK to do so to a person’s head/face. However, in your scenario it is not acceptable for either of you to be slapping each other. But, do also understand that you are older and therefore more accountable for your actions. You can use this as a positive thing in teaching your brother and role modelling the correct way to handle situations so that he will emulate this and change his behaviour for the better too and leave you alone.

 

The best thing you can do is to be a better role model and not slap him, but of course its not that easy! However, there are many ways you can improve the situation that will avoid the situation of him slapping you in the first place.

 

One way is to try and understand why he is even doing it in the first place. Is he just looking for your attention? Perhaps he just wants to play but doesn’t yet understand the most appropriate way to ask. Perhaps when he starts disturbing you next time give him a bit of your attention. Even if it is just to play with him for 5 minutes and then direct him to something he can continue to do with so much of your input so you can go about your business and he his after you have satisfied his need for a bit of your attention.

 

If you find this doesn’t work and he continues to bother you, then try first with words only to tell him to stop, that you don’t like it. If he continues, then calmly walk away and go somewhere else that he can’t bother you anymore.

Perhaps, that may be in the presence of you parents so that they can see you and him and either he will stop so they can’t see him misbehaving, or if he continues then they will see what he is doing and deal with him accordingly. Walking away from him calmly models a positive behaviour for him. It doesn’t teach him that slapping is ok, but teaches him that the best way to deal with such behaviour is to remove yourself from the situation. It may take many attempts at this to get him to understand, but in sha Allah with patience he will soon learn and then copy you.

 

In sha Allah as you grow older together your relationship will only strengthen and you will be a source of comfort for each other.

 

May Allah bring ease to your situation and grant you and your brother softness in each others hearts for one another.

As-salamu alaikum. My parents and my whole family is against me even after accepting my marriage and still my mother is praying that I should leave that person and marry whomever she knows but I want to marry him and he is a pious Muslim Man.

He prayed five time prayer every single day and he wants to live an Islamic life. But still my parents says he won’t take care of you; he is not your match. He is black and short, you both are equal height, he has bad habit. These all invalid reasons that she gives and I fight against that and I asked my parents and family to accept our marriage.

My whole family is support my mother and they throw me out of family. Please help me, am I fighting for the right which Allah mention there is no racism and am I going against to my parents?

Also the boy’s family, everyone likes me and they are gave 100% assurance that they will take care of me like their daughter and both the family talked to each other then finally they said okay we will give our daughter and they accepted our marriage.

But still my mother is saying to everyone after my dead then only her marriage should happen till am alive she shouldn’t get married to him.

Like this she is doing and every single day when I woke up it’s like I feel in Hell. She said bad words to me, she behave very bad with me. Please provide me a solution on this please. I really need it and am getting mentally ill day by day. Also please pray for the boy, he should get govt job to marry me soon In Sha Allah.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Alhamdulilah that you have found a pious Allah fearing man to marry. This is the most important characteristic one should speak in a spouse as  it paves the way to good relations in all realms of a marriage. However, unfortunately in this case your parents still refuse to accept him which makes the situation difficult for you. It is particularly unfortunate that the reason they don’t seem to agree to him is matters such as his size and race.

 

This is not part of Islam. We should not judge people on such characteristics or make it a reason to not even consider a proposal. Alhamdulilah that his own family supports a marriage between you, but until your own family also accept him, there will still be some element of difficulty for you.

 

Of course as your parents, you should respect them and obey them. However, when they are advising you against Islamic values then you are not obliged to. This scenario could be argued to be one of these scenarios. However, it is also wise to be cautious of the consequences of disobeying them, even in a matter that is against Islam.

 

To make things easier for you to begin with in approaching the topic with them, try and see things from their perspective. Even if you don’t agree with their thoughts, if you can try and see things from their perspective then you will be better placed to discuss difficulties matters with them on a level that they can understand more. Furthermore, it let’s them know that you have considered their own feelings too in moving forward.

 

Let them know that you understand their concern, that you understand that they only want what’s best for you, that as your parents you trust that they want you to marry someone who will be good for you. But, also remind them that the most important trait of a spouse if that of piety and present them with the Islamic evidence to support this. If necessary, you might even ask a third party, especially someone of knowledge to enlighten them on this. This way, the points that you make will be more validated and perhaps they would be more likely to at least consider the situation.

 

Perhaps you might even consider trying to arrange some kind of meeting between the 2 families so that they can get to know his own family too. This way they will be given the chance to see beyond the colour of his skin and other physical characteristics. This might soften their hearts towards him, even if it is through development of positive relationships with his family.

 

In the mean time make sure to keep relations with the guy halal as you decide what to do. Consider your options thoroughly and the benefits and weaknesses of each choice. Do you go ahead and marry him and be happy marrying the man you want, but cause upset with your family? Or, do you forget this marriage altogether for the sake of maintaining bonds with your family.

 

Think carefully about this and take the matter to Allah with istikhara and in sha Allah He will make the correct path easy for you. If the marriage is meant to be then in sha Allah in time your family will accept it. If the marriage is not meant to be then Allah will turn your heart from it and replace it with something better in the form of a spouse who is even more suited to you. When you place your trust in Allah, then whatever the outcome you will be please as it is what Allah has ordained for you and what is best for you.

 

If it works out that you will go ahead and marry this man, then make sure that you are strong and have support to deal with the potential backlash from your family. Continue to try and keep contact with them and in sha Allah their hearts will turn in acceptance in time. This may take a while and will require patience from you. Likewise, if you choose to end the chance to marry him, keep yourself occupied with things that will make the process of moving on easier. Spend time with friends and keep busy in your usual tasks. Try to give yourself a chance to overcome any feelings you had towards him as you seek to marry another at some point in the future.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best choice and make your situation easy. May He grant you a spouse that will bring you happiness in this life and the next