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Get Prepared for Marriage (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
11 September, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Thursday, Sep. 12, 2019 | 10:00 - 11:00 GMT

Session is over.

Sir, Assalamu Alaikum. I hope you are fine. Today I write a mail for your advice. My relatives who always do black magic on my families such as my father and mother and sister. They also don't want our good. They are always busy with this magic. My mother already sick about these things. They do these things for many years. Mainly, they work on my father so that he always fall and do haram things and negative things. So I want a suggestion to you that what will I do to stop these things.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. I am sorry to hear about the situation with your relatives. It must be very scary and stressful to have others trying to interfere with you and your families success, health, and livelihood.

Black Magic

It sounds like your relatives may be very jealous of your father, mother, you and your sister. You stated that they don’t want good things for you. Therefore they seem to be busy with doing things that have to do with magic. Sadly, a lot of times family members and relatives do not want good for us. However we are commanded in the Qur’an to want for our sisters and brothers what we want for ourselves. Thus, if they want bad for you and your family, then they must be expecting negative things to come back on them. Allah sees everything. I am not sure if they have stated that they are doing magic or you assume they are doing magic, but everything in creation must submit to Allah swt. This includes the evil ones, the jinns (good and bad) as well as those who seek to harm oithers. With that said, Allah is of course more powerful than anything that could be wished upon you. Additionally, as we are not pefect and as humans we may err in perception and thoughts.

Therefore,  it may not be black magic that is harming your family but rather events which would happen normally. When a series of bad events happen, it can be frightening and in turn may be easy to blame it on black magic rather than life’s tests and trials. You stated that this black magic was being done to your father causing him to ’always fall and do haram things and negative things”.  Brother I am wondering how much of this is your father’s choices and not the result of black magic?  While it is easy to think „oh the evil made me do it” it is also taking away responsibilities for our own actions and sins. I kindly refer you to the ’Ask our Scholar” section for a more in depth answer as I am not an Islamic scholar.

 

Islamic Protections from Allah

To gaurd oneself from danger and evil such as black magic, many recite Ayat Al-Kursi. In a hadith it says that “Allah has not created in the heavens nor in the earth what is more magnificent than Ayat Al-Kursi.” Sufyan said: “Because Ayat Al-Kursi is the Speech of Allah, and Allah’s Speech is greater than Allah’s creation of the heavens and the earth.” [Jami’ AtTirmidhi]” (1).  ’Many recite Ayat-ul-Kursi upon going to bed as we learn from the hadith that whenever you go to your bed, you should recite the Verse of “Al-Kursi” (2.255) for then a guardian from Allah will be guarding you, and Satan will not approach you till dawn. [Sahih Al Bukhari] (1).”

 

Muslims worldwide have attested to use of Ayat-ul-Kursi when facing danger and or evil. It is a powerful ayat which provides protection.  Aboutislam (1) states that “The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said to me, “Recite Surat Al-Ikhlas and Al-Mu’awwidhatain (Surat Al-Falaq and Surat An-Nas) three times at dawn and dusk. It will suffice you in all respects.” [Abu Dawud and At-Tirmidhi] and “Do not turn your houses into graveyards. Satan runs away from the house in which Surat Al-Baqarah is recited.” [Muslim].” While applying Qur’anic prescriptions for instances of possible black magic, I would also kindly advise you to insha’Allah stop focusing on what they are doing. I know this is very hard. However once we have sought refuge in Allah, we are to give Allah our problems, worries, and fears. Allah will deal with them. Part of iman is trusting Allah will take care of what we have given him/asked of Him. With this said, please do encourage your family to go on about their lives. By focusing on the negativity and possible black magic that these relatives are doing, is only serving to harm you psychologically. When we have protection from Allah we must trust in that.

 

Conclusion

Therefore brother, you and your family’s protection lies in seeking Allah. Recite sura’s, make duaa, and trust in Allah swt. Focus on praying together as a family. Go to the Masjid for prayer. Attend Islamic events and socialize with Muslims who are on the right path. Also, by recognizing that others jealousy and ill will can affect our daily life regarding fears and unwanted thoughts, we can move towards more healthier thinking patterns which include diverting our attention away from negative or evil. When we constantly worry about something or fear it, it gives it more power. Insha’Allah, draw closer to Allah and put your focus on Allah swt, and moving forward away from this negative and evil vibe.  Recite Surat Al-Ikhlas, Surat Al-Falaq, Surat An-Nas, and Ayat Al-Kursi. Make it a daily habit. Insha’Allah, you will begin to think less about these relatives and black magic, and more about Allah’s glory and supremacy over all things.  We wish you the best you are in my prayers.

Assalamu alaikkum, I am an undergraduate student and at our college it is prohibited to use phone and is allowed to keep our phones at the department most of the students don't do this and keep phones with themselves. Our faculty does this lightning search and all and if caught we are told to give fine and it is of 200 rupees. I took my phone to college for no particular reason and my mother has restricted me from taking phone to college and still I took the phone without her knowing and today our faculty searched us and many of the boys surrendered their phone themselves while many others hid their phones somewhere like me.

As a child I used to lie a lot with a lot I meant a lot. As I became more aware of this bad habit I have changed a lot I meant I have changed a lot from what I used to be. I am a little respected at my class for my honesty. I do accept that I am not at all perfect. I once posted my WhatsApp status saying that "maturity is when you have a chance to lie but still chose the truth no matter if you die" it is this thing that really haunts me. I feel like I no longer have any values for a moment I thought about suicide I am that sensitive about this kind of issues.

I have decided a longer before that I won't be posting any kind of nice quotes but instead In Sha Allah I try to make it in my actions.what should I do whenever I do any kind of bad things I punishes myself by restricting myself from things I love like no usage of social media for a day but unfortunately I end up breaking everything I promise. Please help me with your advice. Jazakallahu khair



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. As I understand your situation you are an undergraduate student. At your college it is prohibited to use a cell phone. You did make the mistake of bringing your cell phone to school and you got caught.

Getting Caught Lying/Disobeying

You got caught with your cell phone and now you feel very bad. That can be a good thing sister as it is your conscious speaking to you. If you did not care, that would be more worrisome.

 

Feeling Conflicted

The problem with this situation is that you have grown quite a bit from when you were younger. You used to lie a lot according to you. As you got older and grew out of this habit, you would post positive inspirational quotes such as ’maturity is when you have the chance to lie but still choose the truth no matter if you die’. As a result of the conflict between what you posted and your getting caught with a cell phone, your feeling conflicted and I can imagine embarrassed.

 

We all Make Mistakes

Sister, you feel in your heart that it is honorable to be honest. The mistake that you made, makes it seem you don’t believe this, when you really do. As a result, you appear to be very upset and depressed about this. Sister according to what you have written, you have grown a lot. You have changed. You have stop lying and deceiving, and you started to become a better person. Sister just because you make a mistake does not mean you are no longer a good person. It just means you have made a mistake, you need to admit it, seek repentance from Allah, and move on with your life. Your mistake with a cell phone does not define who you are. What defines who you are relates to your actions thoughts and behaviors afterwards.

Inspiration

This is a perfect time for an inspirational quote to yourself about how Allah’s mercy and forgiveness is so abundant. Sister you are human, you are not perfect. True, I understand that you may fear falling back into your old habits, however this does not need to be the case. You can put this incident behind you after you have repented, and move forward in the new light of Who You Are. You have come a long way. As you stated, you used to tell lies all the time, and now you do not. That is something to be grateful for and to feel good about. Don’t let one little mistake ruin all of your progress. You are the inspiration!

 

Essays and Reflections

As you had mentioned social media, I am wondering if you are more embarrassed about posting positive things and then getting caught doing a negative.  You may want to think about that. In the end all it amounts to is a poor decision. We all make poor decisions and we learn from them. As you appear to like writing quotes and inspirational messages, perhaps this is a time for self-reflection as well as an essay on forgiveness. You may want to write an essay to yourself only, or you may want to share it with people who are close to you. In the essay you could discuss how far you have come, how you have changed, yet how vulnerable we as human beings are to still making mistakes. You may want to discuss Allah’s mercy and how Allah loves to forgive. In looking at our blessings, which include Allah’s love and mercy, we should seek to go on and continue to strive to be better people even after we are caught doing something that is not good.

Social Media

 

In regards to promising and restricting yourself from social media and then breaking that promise,  , perhaps you may want to look at articles and research on social media addiction. It kind of sounds like that what may be going on. If you cannot stay off of social media for one day, then you need to look at that sister. Many people are addicted to social media and they don’t even know it. However if you tell them that they can’t use social media for a day or two they may get very upset! That is the norm of today’s world it seems-social media. Many have lost the art of face to face communications and fun in-person enjoyable times. I encourage you to sister to try to get out more, meet with sisters in person. Perhaps start a club or group on positive affirmations. Your writing skills and personal growth would make it a success!

 

Conclusion

Sister, please seek repentence and go on with your life-a bit wiser. You have come so far in your growth. Insha’Allah hold onto the rope of Allah and realize we all make mistakes. It doesn’t have to equal an avalanch. Try to limit social media and replace it with real time-person to person activities and positive ventures. You have much to offer sister, just realize that you are human like everyone ele. We are all striving. We wish you the best.

 

Assalam o Alaikum, I am writing today in extreme distress. I don't if this is a question or am I only looking for some consolation or sane advice. I am not a very practicing Muslim, still trying to understand Islam. I recently started wearing hijab. I read Quran tafseer in Ramadan and when I read about covering hair I just couldn't refuse it.

I took this decision only for the sake of Allah and nobody else. I always thought that whatever might come in my way because of wearing hijab Allah will take care of it. Now, I was introduced to some guy for marriage. We clicked the moment we started talking. It was only one chat and after that, I mentioned that I wear a hijab (he didn't know this previously) after which he refused from the proposal. He refused because he did not like me covering my hair. I am left in utter confusion that why and how could this be possible?

I am not doing anything wrong. And besides, I am much more than just my hijab. I am academically very successful, smart, funny and friendly. He did understand that I was the kind of person he wanted but just because of hijab he let go of everything. If I am doing something for Allah, how can Allah just let him do this to me? When clearly I did nothing wrong.

It greatly upsets me that someone would just reject me on the basis of something which is a part of me. Can you give me any advice on how to move past this experience and not get hurt?



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. Alhumdulilah, you should be so happy that you have started to wear hijab!  That is a big step indeed sister, mabrook!  May Allah swt bless you abundantly. Sister, oftentimes It seems that the closer one gets to pleasing Allah, the more tests and trials come. In your case, a man who you liked for marriage refused the proposal when he found out you wore hibab.

 

Rejected for Hijab

As you discussed, the man you clicked with refused you for marriage because you wear hijab. That is very strange as most Muslim men who are practising want their wives to wear hijab. Even though you ’clicked” with this man sister, perhaps there were things about him that you did not know of. You did nothing wrong but sometimes sister, Allah will close a door that we want to open so bad-just to protect us from future harm.  Sometimes we may push on this door and it will not budge. We may keep pushing on the door and Allah might let us in -as a lesson. How scary is that? I am happy you did not push it sister.

 

It could be that if you married this man you would have been very unhappy. Perhaps he had bad habitis you did not know about. Perhaps he was not as sincere in his Islam as you are. Allah knows best sister and Allah swt protects us from things we do not even know. This is Allah’s mercy. As yoiu grow closer to Allah, expect to be tested!  If you look at all of the prophets and especially our beloved prophet (PBUH) and his wives, they were severely tested. They had many trials in regards to their faith.

 

Moving Forward

Sister, instead of feeling bad, insha’Allah try to feel good. I know this is hard because you are hurt. However, I am quite sure that you do want a man who is growing in Islam as you are. You do not need anyone who would tell you to do something that would not please Allah. So look at this incident as a mercy. Seek out one who loves Allah, and loves that you are growing closer to Allah. Seek out one who will encourage you one the right path, not lead you down the wrong path.  The fact that this man rejected you for wearing hijab is a big red sign saying ’no”.

 

Conclusion

Sister, I am sad that you are feeling hurt over this. I do admire how you handled the situation. Rather than sumit to a man’s wishes,you chose Allah.You will be greatly blessed and rewarded for your faithfulness to Allah swt. Sister, there will be someone else, someone truly from Allah-who you will click with- for all the right reasons.  Trust in Allah sister as He loves you very much. We wish you the best.

Assalamualaikum, I got married half a year ago. She is a very good and humble person. But she doesn't have a sexual desire at all. so I still didn't have any sexual intercourse with her. I Iove her so much that's why I don't force her. I tried multiple times to make her understand that this is my right and I have a strong desire for sex and she also understands this but still she says she doesn't feel it. I know her for years.

We were friends so I know she didn't have any boyfriend or sexual intercourse before. I am very sure about that. She just doesn't have any desire for sex. She says she works hard all day to feed my family and at night she gets tired so she wants to sleep. besides that, she doesn't even like kissing and she finds all these sexual things pointless. So what can I do?

I can't have sex outside marriage it is a Zina, masturbation is haram, watching porn is haram but I have a strong desire. even if she agrees to do sex she won't do it frequently every day. so what can I do? even if she does sex with me I will know she doesn't want it so I will not be satisfied doing it. I don't want to force her I love her so much. Thank you.



As salamu alaykum brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. As I understand your situation you got married 6 months ago. You are concerned because your wife does not want to have sex. This must be a difficult and disheartening situation for you brother and I admire your patience and kindness with your wife.

 

Newly Married but no Intimacy

I am not sure if the two of you have initially consummated your marriage yet or not, however intimacy is a very important aspect of marriage. You are right in saying that you don’t want to force her. It is her choice whether or not she wants to have sex and I’m happy to hear that you respect that. There may be some things going on with your wife personally, with the relationship, or the home situation that is causing her to not feel desire.

 

Too Tired for Sexual Relations

You stated that your wife says that she works hard all day to feed and care for your family and at night she gets tired and wants to sleep. Thus, her disinterest in sex. Brother perhaps you may wish to address the issue witrh more in depth communication. I kindly suggest that you sit down with her when things are calm, and ask her how you can change her daily routine to make them more manageable for her. I am not sure how many people she is taking care of, but it may be a lot and consume much of her energy. Maybe there are others inthe home who can help out or perhaps this is not the lifestyle she expected when she got married.

 

Marital Life and Expectations

You wife may have entered the marriage thinking that you and her would have your own apartment and your own lives, and therefore she may feel disappointed or overwhelmed at the current situation. Perhaps she thought she would care for your family from time to time but not on an everyday basis. Entering a marriage with certain expectations and then finding another situation may be disheartening. She may have personal issues such as depression, missing her family, a traumatic experience in the past or even a health concern. However, you will never know unless you talk to her more in depth.

 

Talking with Wife

Brother, please do find out what it is is really bothering her, and try to resolved it. It is important as a couple that you spend time together doing enjoyable things that will create a  bond between the both of you. It’s also important to develop an intimate relationship. By finding out what it is that is truly bothering her, you will be well on your way to resolving it insha’Allah. I would kindly recommend insha’Allah, that you take her out for lunch, a walk or somewhere quiet, private, and enjoyable. Insha’Allah, ask her about her days, how she is feeling, what her desires and expectations are for the marriage. Please do also ask about her health and any other details she may wish to discuss. Assure her that you love her and wish to make this a happy marriage for her as well as you.

 

Focusing on the Daily Activities

As your wife she says she is too tired for sex as she works hard all day caring for your family, please do listen to her carefully about her expectations for the marriage, the living arrangements, as well as what she does during the day. If she is not happy with her tasks in the day and is fatigued from them, it may be affecting her levels of desire. Insha’Allah brother, please do speak with her about these details and offer solutions such as other family members helping out so she can get rest or pursue something she would like to do for hereself. In life there must be a balance.

 

Other Issues

Brother if you find there are other problems which is causing her loss of interest in sex such as feeling depressed or anxious, please do insha’Allah, help her to get counseling on a regular basis. If she misses her family, try to find a way that she can see them more often or is in contact with them on a regular basis. If she suspects health problems, please do ensure she see’s a doctor. There can be many issues related to her lack of interest, please do try to help resolve whatever it is.

 

Romance

Please do make efforts to romance her. This would mean taking her out for a walk somewhere nice, surprising her with flowers or candlelit dinner, taking her to dinner, a show, or out with other couples for social times. Little acts of kindness can go a long way. Find out what she enjoys doing so the both of you can do them together. By focusing on her interests, needs and personal goals, you are sending her the message that her needs matter as well . By encouraging her to do some of the other things she enjoys (besides caring for your family), you may see a change in her desire levels.

 

Conclusion

Building an emotional-sexual intimacy and connection between couples may take time. As you have only been married for 6 months, please do try the above tips to resolve this issue. Communication-inquiry, understanding (empathy), romance, as well as working on solutions together may go a long way in resolving her lack of desire. Insha’Allah, the both of you will work out this issue. We wish you the best.