Depression & Suicidal Thoughts (Counseling Live Session)
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Life Difficulties & Depression (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
20 January, 2020

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this counseling session that tackled questions related to depression and mental health issues.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Feel free to send your questions to [email protected]

Friday, Jan. 24, 2020 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.

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Assalamu alaikum  I have a fiancée from Egypt and I live in the west. He says he will come to my country and for months now I have been telling him he needs to go to the embassy. In the beginning he wanted me to do all the research and applications for him.

He also is extremely jealous and has repeatedly told me he’s jealous even if a guy randomly messaged me without me messaging first. Today he got really mad when I told him I have had maybe 40 or 50 guys messaging me since I met him 

He told me never to talk to men again even if they message me asking for marriage. I pointed out to him this is how we met and I don’t want to ignore them. He then told me to just ignore them and said as if he was my parent rather than my partner.

He has said possibly sexist things before like women have a duty in the kitchen. Should I break up with him?

 

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. From what I understand you met somebody from Egypt and you live in Canada. He is currently your fiancee. You did not say for how long you have known him. You say that he’s extremely jealous and possibly sexist.

Considering a Proposal

Sister without knowing the situation on a deeper level it is hard to determine if this would be a successful marriage for you. However I will ask you to think about how long have you known him, have your parents spoke to his parents, did you find that you and he are compatible on multiple levels, are you both keeping the conversation halaL. It is recommended that if you talk to him someone should be present. If he has not been introduced to your parents yet, that should be done immediately as you do plan on marrying him. His parents and your parents should know what’s going on between the two of you.

Jealousy

Sister, as far as him being jealous it may be a problem or it may not. It is hard to tell because you are also telling him that you have 40 to 50 guys messaging you. I think that that may make him jealous, yes. I’m wondering why you were telling him this? I’m also wondering why if he’s your fiancee, you are still talking to other boys. Sister if you are serious about him, you need to stop talking to other boys. If you feel the need to talk to others still, then he is not the one. Insha’Allah, approach your parents with the proposal and let them get involved in the process.

Identitfying Compatibility

I also kindly suggest insha’Allah that you please do speak with him with someone present and get to know him on a deeper level than just back and forth jealousy talk. Find out what he is like as a person, his likes and dislikes, what he expects of a marriage and what he expects from a wife.  What are his plans once he gets to Canada? How will he support himself and you as his wife? What skills does he have that will enable him to provide for you?  You may want to make a list of your own expectations to ensure that you both are on the same page and that it is indeed a marriage for the sake of Allah.

Immigration

Regarding him wanting you to do all the paperwork and research for his application to Canada, that is basically his responsibility. At this point it does not seem that the relationship has been validated enough for him to even begin that. You would need for your parents and his parents to discuss this proposal and guide you both. I would also caution you to ensure that he wants to marry you because he truly feels that you would be a righteous pious wife and he is interested in building a marriage based on kindness, love, and mercy. Oftentimes men are quick to marry women in other countries so they can go there and have better opportunities rather than for the sake of a marriage. The foundation of any marriage should be based on Islamic principles not ulterior motives.  Sometimes it’s really not about the marriage or the woman per se, but it’s about getting a Visa for immigration. This is not the case in all situations of course, but it is something to be aware of.

Conclusion

Please do discuss the situation with your parents. Cut off all conversation with all males, tell your fiancee that you will be talking to your parents about this and that he needs to speak with his as well. Please do give the situation some great thought before making any decisions as far as marrying him. We wish you the best.

 

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Salam. I am 26 years old. My life was going smoothly until something happened from past made my mind too random and scared. Till now I am single and I am accepting it to be a task by Allah but I somehow moved away from the halal path three years back.

It was 2017 and I just completed my master degree that time. I fell in trap of shaytan and committed a big sin. I created a fake account and there I made online relationship with some guys and started sexuall chatting over text. After continuing for some days I regained my sense and left that work.

But that guy was in my real account too where we talked about studies and normal things. He thinks the girl who made online relationship with him is my friend and I too acted like a mediator. I know I have committed very big crime and it is unforgivable. Then after some months I deleted the fake account and stopped contacting the guy from my real account too. 

I did all those due to my loneliness whereas I couldn’t understand that my status of being single was just a trial from Allah. When I realized my sin I repented to Allah but I am unable to forgive myself. And then suddenly that guy after three years messaged me in my real account asking me about the girl whom he thinks was my friend.

I can’t confess to him that I am the same girl because if I do so i think he will harm me using my pictures or something like that. But I am very much afraid if he does something which would harm my identity. I know  i  hurt the guy and now other than making dua for him I can’t do anything else to compensate my deeds.

I am praying to allah and asking his forgiveness but I invited my own destruction myself.

 

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. As I understand your issue, you are 26 years old, single, and your life was going smoothly until you remembered something from your past and you became scared.

Fake Accounts

Sister, you stated that a few years ago you created a fake account online and started chatting with some guys. You ended up chatting with someone you knew. The chatting became sexual. You stated that you only did this for a few days and then stopped. You realized you were doing this because you were lonley and you felt bad. You also realized that this was a test and trial. It appears that you did learn from your experience sister and repented.

Sexual Conversations

The problem is that the guy you were chatting with also knows you in real life, as you used to talk about studies and other normal things. He does not know that the fake profile was yours. He now is asking to be in touch with your „friend” again. Sister, simply tell him that you are not in touch with the person and you have no idea where she is. Leave it at that do not expand upon it and do not try to continue a conversation with him. There is no need to. There’s no need to worry about him damaging or harming you. Whoever he is looking for is no longer to be found. I understand you feel like you have hurt him however he is more than likely seeking to reach out to that fake account because he was able to have sexual conversations there. That is not a good sign. It’s not like it was a halal conversation. It is not that he cared about the person behind the screen, it was haram interactions as there was sexual content going on. He is probably looking for more sexual conversations sister, so please do not feel bad as he is probably not seeking good.

Allah is so Merciful and Forgiving

Sister you said that you did seek repentance from Allah, but that you are unable to forgive yourself. I am sure that you understand that once we give our sins to Allah and truly sincerely repent, that Allah is most forgiving. We must believe that, because Allah states it is true and Allah loves to forgive. When we repent it’s like we’re handing our sin to Allah. We we do this, we are to let go of it, not repeat it, and not keep thinking about it. We are to trust in Allah. Naturally we feel guilty for our sins, however as Muslims we need to work harder on having stronger faith in Allah as He does say He will forgive us. If we doubt this by not forgiving ourselves, it’s like we are doubting Allah. Obviously we do not want to do this. Perhaps this is the real test and trial?

Moving Forward

Sister, I kindly advise you insha’Allah, to please try real hard to put all this behind you and not think about it. You have already repented. The current situation concerning this guy looking for the girl that he was talking to, do not worry about it. You can honestly tell him that she and you are no longer in touch that she has gone away. This is true because whoever you were pretending to be, you no longer are. Those couple of days in the past are gone, you are no longer pretending to be someone else, therefore that person does not exist. Sister, please do move forward with your life, trusting in Allah.

Conclusion

Insha’Allah, realize this may be a test and trial as it has come up years later and suddenly. Do not be tempted. Seek refuge in Allah swt.  Make duaa to Allah to help you move forward in faith. You have made a mistake like everyone does in life.  We all make mistakes sister, we all sin, that’s why we are so blessed to have the mercy of Allah to go to for forgiveness. Count that as a big blessing, know that Allah loves you, and move on with your life, putting this behind you. We wish you the best

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Assalamu alaikum, I received a marriage proposal from familiar people. I liked the guy but still,I performed isthikhara to know the consent of Allah. I didn’t see any dreams but positive things started Coming up and the guy talked to me( I took this as a positive sign from isthikhara) and said that he likes me and I told him that I too like him and he promised me that he will confirm this marriage.

We started talking and we were talking for like 3 months after which he visited my place with his family. But once after he had met my family he says this proposal is not going to work cause I’m wealthier than him. I’m really worried cause I have feelings for him and He told me that he still has feelings for me But now he doesn’t respond to my texts.

 I’m confused about the response from isthikhara. Only after the isthikhara I decided to say yes for this proposal and things were easy,he had so much feelings for me & even I had feelings for him so I was so sure we were meant for each other. Now that there are certain confusions what do I do now? Does Allah want me to leave him or Is he testing me? I don’t understand. Please do help me.what should I do? Should I wait for him or move on?

I have a another confusion. As I have already performed isthikhara for this  proposal can I do it again? Is it permissible?

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. You stated that you received a marriage proposal from somebody that was familiar to you. You did like the guy and you performed istakharra prayer as it was an important decision in your life, and you sought Allah’s guidance.

Wealth Complicates a Proposal

You felt that there was a positive response from your prayer as he did start to talk to you and you both did agree on marriage. However, after he visited your home with his family he felt that it would not work because your family is wealthier than him. Sister this is a really sad situation because wealth is standing in the way of a possible wonderful marriage. It is true that a woman can be married for her wealth although her piety is best.

Possibly Feeling Financially Inadequate

It seems that your family’s wealth or your wealth, may have caused him to feel intimidated. He may feel that he is not able to provide for you in the way that you are used to. Islamically, as long as you are both acceptable for one another then there is no reason why you should not marry. However it appears that either cultural values, intimidation, or fear, is getting in the way of what could have been a nice marriage.

 

To Let go or Keep Trying

Sister, as he told you that he still has feelings for you, and you have feelings for him it is apparent that he does like you. However he has stopped texting you. It is probably his family that may not permit the marriage due to the unequal status of wealth. In this situation sister, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change this. It appears there’s nothing he can do to change it either.

Istakharra Prayer

With that said I will kindly advise you to not push things that you cannot change. You made istakharra prayer and got a positive response, however it did not work out. Sister, when we make istakharra prayer, we are to take many things into consideration, just because he talked to you and you both agreed to marry did not mean it would happen. There were other factors to watch for. In your case, the marriage was called off due to wealth. Perhaps Allah shut this „door” as He was saving you from future heart ache. Allah knows best.You can make istakharra prayer again however you may have already got your answer. Please just trust in Allah sister, no door is closed except by Allah’s will.

Conclusion

Sister, if you feel you must try one more time, I would kindly suggest that you make Dua to Allah to touch his and his family’s hearts regarding this. If this is a situation that is only a few days or a few weeks ago, perhaps they may rethink the marriage.  If after a reasonable time there is no response, I would kindly suggest that you move on. This is a sad situation but Allah Knows Best and He is the best of healers.

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I just need to speak to someone who is not a family member, a friend or my husband.

To shorten the story I have been married for 4 years and have one child. I got married when I was 22, prior to that I had a muslim boyfriend who I loved very much and he loved me too. He came to my family and proposed and they accepted and gave him a time frame for the marriage. My ex boyfriend could not comply with those times, he was just finishing uni and simply was not ready so he told my family that he would be ready in 2 years. My family was appalled by this and cancelled the engagement.

I was distraught and so was my ex, he and I became toxic constantly arguing over the matter till it ended as my family threatened to disown me if I wait for him to marry me. Then my family kept bringing husband after husband I refused un till my husband came a long and my whole family talked me in to marrying him. I felt manipulated. Although My husband is a decent man and he does all he can to make me happy.  However I’ve never loved him in all these years, I’ve tried I have tried for the sake of allah I’m  trying!!!

I cut ties with my ex, I pray for guidance,  I go out with him, I have tried. I just loved my ex too much and he felt as though I betrayed him by following what my parents wanted. He is still not married and I know the chance of him taking me back is second to non. I explained the situation to my husband before marrying him and he believed and made me believe that we was put together by allah. I tried for the sake of Allah, now I simply don’t know what to do because it’s been too long in to the marriage and having a baby didn’t fix the love like I’d thought it would!!! I don’t want to hurt my husband, my parents, my child but I’m honestly hurting inside!!! HELP ME please.

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session. Sister you are in a difficult situation, really through no fault of your own. While it is best to marry as soon as possible, your ex fiance’s reasonings for wanting to wait two years appear to be logical. You both had an agreement between you that this is what you wanted. Your family should not have interfered.

When Families Mean Well

Oftentimes families mean well but the outcomes can be disastrous, such as you are experiencing. Your family wanted you to be married, and to be happy and secure. They love you very much and I am sure that they thought they were doing the right thing.

Inability to Love Husband Family Chose

As it turns out you do have a very good husband, however, you do not feel love for him after three years of marriage and having a child. This is a very sad situation for everyone involved. I do want to point out however, that while you felt manipulated to marry him, you still did have a choice to wait. As a woman who is Muslim that is your right in Islam. Muslim women need to know this.

Trying to Fall in Love with Husband

Sister, I understand that you have tried to love your husband. You sound like a really wonderful wife despite the fact that you cannot force yourself to love him. I also understand that you are hurting very much. I see that you have a great deal of insight into the situation and you do not want to hurt anyone. Given the fact that your ex would probably never take you back according to you, there is no need at the present to contemplate a divorce to be with him.

Still in Love with Ex

It could be that your inability to love your husband stems from your love for your ex. Often times when one is in love with someone else they cannot fall in love with another. Only when the love for the other person goes away can that person truly begin to love again. Sister I kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you work real hard on trying to forget about your ex. If you can stop thinking about him and stop feeling love for him, it may be that you will fall in love with your husband. Only Allah knows. It is worth a try. Again, given the chances that your ex will not be with you if you were free to marry, you may need to put that part of your life behind you and move forward.

Counseling and Healing

Sister at this point I would recommend counseling. Initially, individual counseling on a regular basis for yourself may help you to sort out your feelings, and come to terms with the reality that what you think you love is in the past and gone. You have suffered a loss, yet did not heal from it yet. A counselor can help you move through your grief over losing your ex as well as help you heal and move forward into the future. Once you have healed from this hurt and loss you will be able to love again insha’Allah. Insha’Allah, it will be your husband. If not it may be somebody else.

Seek Allah

Sister, please do make dua to Allah to guide you in this process. Ask Allah to remove the love for your ex from your heart and to help you heal. Ask Allah to place love in your heart for your husband.

Conclusion

Insha’Allah with time and healing, as well as recognizing that what you are holding on to is gone, you will be able to come to the realization of something wonderful that is right before you. You may discover wonderful things about your husband that may make you fall in love with him, things that you could not see before or currently, because you are blinded by the love for another. Sister please do try to accept the reality that the past is gone. Insha’Allah you will come to terms with the hurt and loss through counseling and be able to move on. Insha’Allah you will find love in your husband. We wish you the best.