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Ask the Counselor Live Session

Aisha Mohammad
08 March, 2020

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this counseling session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answers will be online within a few hours.

Feel free to send your questions to: [email protected]

Wednesday, Mar. 11, 2020 | 05:30 - 06:30 GMT

Session is over.



Question 1

Asalamu Alaykum,

 I need some advice for my marriage life. I have been married to my husband for 7 years. We don’t have any kids, but we are going through some fertility treatment. Since I married to my husband, I have never felt being loved.

He doesn’t pay much attention to me when I’m sick, he suggests me to stay at my current job that I don’t like, he doesn’t buy me gifts, he doesn’t celebrate any special occasions with me, he bought a house that I didn’t like, and etc.

He keeps himself busy with work, study, and his family. I liked him so I got married to him, but I feel like I have been neglected by him a lot. Sometimes I feel like I should suicide due to the pressure. Other times I feel like I should divorce or do external affair.

We have performed umrah twice together. We pray at home and give zakat and sadaqah all the time. He is a nice person, but sometimes I can’t tolerate him. I’m tired of trying. I regret of marrying him. I have tried ruqyah and hijama. What should I do next?

As salamu alaykum,

Feels Husband is Neglectful

According to you, your husband doesn’t take care of you when you are sick, he wants you to stay at a job you don’t like, he doesn’t celebrate any special occasions would with you, he keeps busy with work and his family and you feel you have been neglected.

Desperate Feelings

I can imagine you are under a lot of stress and disappointment due to this. Seven years is a long time to be in a relationship where you do not feel valued or love.

At this point you feel suicidal at times due to the pressure. At other times you feel like you want to divorce him or have an affair.

Unhealthy Marriage

Sister obviously your marriage is extremely unhealthy. As I do not know what country you are in, I advise you to please call The Suicide Hotline in your country should you feel suicidal.

As you know suicide is haram in Islam, in addition to that fact that  Allah loves you very much and things will get better, suicide is not the answer.

Cheating on your husband to get the love you need is not the answer either as it is haram and can only lead to hurt and disappointment, as well as it is a sin.

Marriage Counseling

 I kindly suggest that you approach your husband and discuss the possibility of the two of you going for marriage counseling. Explain to him that you love him and you would like to save your marriage,

however there are many problems in the marriage which need to be resolved. In sha Allah he will respond favorably. Let him know you are wiling to work on things to make him happy as well.  

Divorce

If he does not wish to address the marital problems, you may want to consider divorce to preserve your mental health, save your relationship with Allah, and to follow Islam. If you feel like things are so unbearable that you want to end your life or have an affair, then a divorce is better if you cannot work it out.

Conclusion

Sister you mentioned that you both pray at home and give zakat all the time. You say that he’s a nice person but that sometimes you can’t tolerate him. Insha’Allah you may do some self-reflection to determine what you do feel in regard to him.

In your case, since it is affecting your mental health and your spirituality it is best that you try to save the marriage first by talking with him and  getting marriage counseling. If that does not work you may need to contemplate divorce in order to save yourself from mental health anguish, committing sins, and drifting further away from Allah.

Lastly, I kindly advise you stop trying to have a child until you both resolve your marriage issues. We wish you the best.

***

Question 2

I fall in love with someone who i knew is not right for me and the feeling kept on growing with time,he cheated..married to another girl and continue to haunt my life with his presence, the problem is that even my concious is clear about not thinking about life with him anymore..

I cannot shut him out of my life completely.. he is having 4 kids yet he claims to struggling and not contented with his wife..

I know her as well and she told me multiple times about his misconduct with her.. i do understand that he is toxic and wrong but moving on and shutting him out completely feels like impossible…

I am praying from last 10 years for the strenght of doing so but still feels like no way near to it, let me mention i get married and failed to continue it or even consume it..

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about your inability to move on from a relationship you were once involved in.

Haram Relationships

Sister as you know relationships with men outside of marriage are haram in Islam. Please repent to Allah if you have not yet done so. Perhaps if you have not yet repented, this may be the reason that you cannot get thoughts of him out of your mind.

Repentance

 When we repent to Allah we are set free because we are blessed to know that Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive. If you have not repented sister please do so sincerely.

Still in Contact?

It is unclear why after 10 years you are still in contact with him, his wife, and his family life. You stated that you knew his wife well, so perhaps she or he was a family member, a cousin, or so forth. You also stated that his wife is told you multiple times about his misconduct with her. You understand that he is toxic.

Do you Really want a Toxic Person?

 Sister the question really is, why do you feel so unworthy to deserve a man who is toxic, a cheater, and not following Islam? You deserve better than that.

Focus on your Husband

As you are married, you need to focus on your husband and that relationship. Allah blessed you with a marriage and you need to focus on that and on building a relationship with your husband. Your husband deserves a pious, loving wife.

Inner Reflection

I’m not sure why you would want to be involved in a toxic situation or with a toxic person, but perhaps you may want to do some inner reflection to find out why that is.

Conclusion

Please do repent to Allah, focus on your husband, cut all contacts with this other man, his wife and his family. Focus on your own family and the blessings that Allah has given you. If needed, please do some inner self-reflection to find out why you were attracted to toxic situations. Make duaa to Allah to give you strength to get free from this toxic, haram, and unhealthy situation. We wish you the best.

***

Question 3

For the recent years of my life, I felt really distant with my own mother because I’ve noticed that she was really abusive towards me. The best thing I felt was to stay away from her. I came from a really religious Islamic family, especially my mother.

She has manipulated me, beaten me to the point were I have scars all over my body, called me names such as “Jew”, “Jinn’s daughter”, “Satan”, and said stuff like “I am never making it to heaven”. I never have a space of privacy because she always has to know what I’m doing, even when I pray she watches me.

One time I messed up on my prayer, she beaten me, while I was praying. Another time she said ” I will actually cut you, like how Ibrahim (a.s) did to his son” and pulled a knife against me, twice. I can never hang out with friends, or call them because my mom just takes my phone away.

My mother will always say certain things to make it look like I’m the bad person so I can’t contact relatives, or aunties because they don’t believe me. When ever I read the Quran with my mother, she will pick on certain things from the Quran, saying I don’t follow/ act on how the Quran says. After these events, I felt lost in my faith.

I don’t pray as much/ spend time on my prayers. I feel really disconnected with family, and just feel really alone. My father tries to step in, but my mother hits him/fights him, and scares me with a divorce. I love my mother really much, I do try to pray for her. I do blame myself for talking back, but I stay quite as much as possible.

I have committed some sins that I am not proud of. I feel really disconnected from Allah, and feel as if my prayers aren’t being accepted. Please help me because I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel safe around my house.

As salamu alaykum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. Sister I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. One thing I noticed is that you stated, “I came from a really religious Islamic family, especially my mother”.

Then you went on to say how she has manipulated you, beating you to the point that you have scars all over your body, and has emotionally and mentally abused you. I just want to say that no, you have not come from a religious Islamic family.

Abuse is Haram

If your mom was truly following Islam she would never treat you this way. You are the victim of child abuse.

Sadly, abuse in families is  common. It is an issue that must be addressed by the ummah as it is a scourge of Islam which not only destroys the family unit, but causes immense grief, mental health illness, and dysfunction among the one being abused. 

Family in Islam

Families in Islam do not beat one another. They treat each other with love and respect. Sadly, you are not raised this way. This is not your fault.

Allah Loves You

Sister, you sound like a really wonderful person. Please know that Allah loves you. Even though you feel disconnected from Allah right now, please do know that you are precious to Him.

Often times when one is under extreme stress, mental health issues, and trauma, our relationship with Allah can suffer. Please do know that Allah understands this and is merciful.

Seek Safety and Peace

Sister, I do not know how old you are or what your circumstances are,  however I do encourage you to move out of the home. If there is a family member who will believe you, or close friend, please do see if you can move in with them.

Living in an abusive home obviously is not healthy. It has affected you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Getting Counseling and Help with Resources

In’sha’Allah you can find a loving home to move into. At this point you may want to engage in counseling to address the abuse you have been through insha’Allah. Seek out counseling sister as soon as possible. 

As you feel unsafe around your home, please do speak with a counselor about this. They have domestic violence and abuse services which can help you. If you ever feel unsafe, do call emergency services in your area. We wish you the best.

***

Question 4

Asalamualaykum.

I have found a pious sister I would want to marry but currently I’m not financially capable but by my calculations inshaalla I would be financially buoyant after the next 12 months to come but the problem is that the sister may be married by then as she is not aware that I’m interested in her for marriage. So for fear that she may align to someone else can I tell her that I’m interested in her

As salamu alaykum, shokran for writing to our live session. Alhamdulillah you have found someone that you feel compatible where that you would like to marry. The problem is you will not be financially stable until about a year from now.

Informing the Sister and her Family

You have not told the sister that you are interested in her so she has no idea. Given the fact that you have not told her I’m wondering how well you know her.

I kindly suggest in sha Allah that you begin to get to know this sister in a halal way. Get to know her family as well and inform the sister and her family you are interested in marrying her.

Engage Parents

Depending on your situation you may want to have your parents speak with her parents. This would go far in securing the seriousness of your proposal. Brother, if a sister does not know that you are interested in marrying her, there is no way to know if she would wait a year or not.

Building a Plan

Brother, the only way you can begin to formulate a possible plan with her is by having your family approach hers and begin marriage discussions. Please do so as soon as possible. If she agrees, get to know one another to ensure compatibility as well. We wish you the best.

***

Question 5

Assalamu Alaikkum dear counsellor.

My daughter got married almost a month ago. She is now living with her husband in a foreign country.

When she was with me , we would often have meaningful conversations with each other.

However, all that changed after her wedding.

I know she is now a new wife to her husband and therefore, has more responsibilities tending to her husband’s needs.

But as a mother I am very concerned about her well-being as she is now separated from me, residing in a foreign land with her new husband.

Though I don’t know her husband very well , I think he is a good person.

But the fact that my daughter hardly sends any replies to my many queries through text messages or voice mails, worries me a lot.

When she does answer every once in a while , it is usually very brief.

She doesn’t give any details about what she’s doing at present or if she is truly happy in her newly married life.

She sometimes gets annoyed with me for constantly asking about her. Please advise me on how to make my daughter understand a lonely mother’s feelings. Thank you for your time.

As salamu alaykum, shokran for writing to our live session.

Valid Concerns

Your concerns about your daughter are natural and valid. Given that you and your daughter had a good relationship and had meaningful conversations, it is strange that now this has changed.

Your daughter is newly married, living in a different country, and you do not know her husband very well. I’m wondering if your daughter knows her husband. Sometimes people get married and they do not know the person they are married to, that is not always good.

Seeking out Contact with Family

 If there are family members such as your son-in-law’s family who you are close to, or who you know, please do contact them.

Assuring Daughter

 In sha Allah please do continue to try to be in touch with your daughter. Assure her that you love her and you will always be there for her. Assure her that if anything is wrong or she needs anything that you will be there for her.

Family in Islam

 As you know, in Islam relationships with family especially parents, are highly encouraged and valued, therefore it is strange that she is suddenly withdrawing from the family especially from you. Her new husband should be encouraging her to keep in touch with you as she can. The fact that he isn’t is a red flag.

A future Visit

I’m not sure of your situation sister however perhaps there is a possibility that you may be able to go visit your daughter and her new husband just to ensure that everything is okay and that she is happy and not being restricted or harmed in any way.

Inshallah this is not the case and she is just a busy new bride. However, as the situation seems that she has changed drastically with her relationship to you, I would advise that you continue to try to make contact as well as plan a future visit. We wish you the best..

***

Question 6

I grew up in a household where people tend to leave from a young age so growing up I craved closeness from friends and being physically appreciated e.g being hugged by friends. In my household, my mother is constantly irritated by us all and it is very hard to make her happy.

A disagreement of not wanting to apply perfume/deodorant on my clothes will anger her and I will be insulted. I ask my mum to help her around the house but when she is anger at me she says ‘your not touching it’ so I’m stopped from helping her.

And then later on my mum will say that no one helps her around the house. I have to admit I could do more around the house which I am implanting now. Also, my mum is totally against the idea of young marriage and I feel getting married will not only help me complete my deen but ease me in my day to day affairs when practicing the religion.

Also, my mum is totally against the idea of young marriage and I feel getting married will not only help me complete my deen but ease me in my day to day affairs when practicing the religion.

I have this constant cloud of over thinking in my head and I have this constant fear of losing my sanity.

Also in public I have a feeling everyone is staring at me so I avoid walking around in my area. Outside my area, I feel more at ease.

I think I have anxiety but I don’t want to go to a doctor and talk about it. I have also lost all motivation to complete small tasks and often spend hours procrastinating and I have been crazily over eating and I have gained so much weight over the past year.

As salamu alaykum, shokran for writing to our live session.

It seems as if you are a very good daughter. You seek to help your mom around the house, and to make her happy.

It appears that possibly your mom has some issues of her own possibly surrounding anger and or depression. Perhaps your mom even has anxiety. This may explain why she reacts the way she does when you ask her how to help her around the house.

Feeling Like A Dark Cloud is Above

You state that you feel like  you have a constant cloud hanging over your head and that you will you are losing your sanity. You also feel that people are staring at you in public. You did say that you think you have anxiety but you do not want to go to a doctor.

Counseling

I would kindly suggest in sha Allah that you do go for counseling. You may not want to talk about I how you feel, however if you don’t it will only continue to get worse and your life will not get  any better.

Anxiety has a high rate of successful treatment. While you may have anxiety, you may have other issues going on as well.  It is best to go to a qualified counselor and get an assessment for a diagnosis.

If you do choose to get treatment it will help you greatly in your life insha’Allah. Oftentimes anxiety can be horrendous and completely take over one’s life.

This is sad because there are options available for treatment and healing. I do encourage you in sha Allah to take advantage of the blessings of healing and moving on with your life.

Marriage

 As far as getting married, you stated your mom is against the idea of a young marriage.  Marriage, however, is your right. It is nice to get parents blessings but you do not need permissions.  If you feel that you are ready, I encourage you to get married.

If you are of legal age and you are getting married for the sake of Allah, alhumdulilah. Please know however, that getting married to get out of your house away from your mom and the stress is not a good idea. You may be going from one bad situation into another.

If you are thinking of getting married please do ensure that you are getting married to someone who you are compatible with, who is a good person, who is a righteous Muslim, and has the qualities to make a good husband.

Please do seek counseling first before thinking about getting married. Getting married is a serious commitment as you know and insha’Allah you want to start a marriage with good mental health. We wish you the best.

***

Question 7

Assalamualaikum,

My wife and I are married for 4years and we have 3 year old son. Everything was perfect until one night my wife told me about her past( i didnot ask her about her past and i never doubdted her) that she had done zina with her school teacher 10-15times in 2years in the age of 16-18 years.

Now she confess to me that neither she had  knowledge about that was zina nor does she had any sexual desire. She had done with the teacher that she believes that he is a good man and he will not do anything wrong to her.

During her school days he use to molest,sexaully assault and touch her inappropriately daily and she always cry when he do that and she did not tell anyone out of fear because her teacher told her not to tell anyone regarding this matter and he told her its fine and there is nothing wrong ,and she was under his spell and she believes that.

Before completion of school he gave his contact number to call him and he tricked her by saying i cannot live without and i like you and i would have married you if i had govt job even though he is married and have 2kids.

After so many months she called him,he took her outside of town and did what he was planning and she doesnot know anything about sex or marriage or any sexual desire.

She do not know her private part as well and she do not know about virginity as well and she cried when the blood came and she thought something cut from inside. she pray daily 5times,read quran and ask Allah(SWT) for answer whether she is doing the right thing or not.

She do the samething everytime what she knows that the teacher is good man, he will not do no harm and have to do whatever he says and she did like 10times and later she found that he is not a good man why should i listen to him.

He threatened her and she escape from him and then she realize what she had done in major sin and she regret her actions even in innocence and make lots of tawbah and repent to Allah(SWT). I dont know whether it is zina or child sexual abuse.

I know her since child she was very innocent and she doesnot know what is right and what is wrong. Now she repent to Allah(SWT) and she feels very guilty about her past and her innocence. At that time she had no idea about sex, the only matter to her is teacher cannot do wrong to her. My whole life shatter now. I dont know what to do.

I love her very much. she loves me alot. I cannot able to forget that since she told me. she try to convince me so many times. Every time i listen to her and i convince myself that she did not do it on purpose it was her innocence. Please give me solution. I dont want to end my marriage and i want to forget everything.

As salamu alaykum, shokran for writing to our live session.

I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to your wife when she was a teenager. It is true that yes she was the victim of child molestation as she was a child.

On the other hand, as a child who was between the ages of 16 and 18 at some point she may have realized that it was Haram and she should not be engaging in it and she should have told someone.

Reporting Abuse

A lot of times it is very difficult to tell someone you are being sexually molested especially when that person represented an authority figure like a teacher or parent. I would kindly suggest in sha Allah that your wife seeks out counseling for this assault.

Abuse and Mental Health

Abuse can lead to a lot of mental health anguish, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. It needs to be addressed professionally if she is willing.

As far as you stating that you do not want to end your marriage, why would you end it? Your wife told you something and confided in you because she trusted you and loved you. Please insha’Allah, have her engaging counseling.

Make Dua to Allah to help soften your heart and help you to better assist her with this issue, pray together as husband and wife so that you both may overcome this.

Time Factor

As it has been many years since this happened and I’m not sure where you live, I am not clear about the legalities of pressing charges against this teacher. Please do discuss with her what she would like to do in this regard.

Moving Forward

Moving forward, once there is repentance to Allah for anything that we knowingly or unknowingly have done, we are to leave at the past. We are to trust in Allah and his Mercy and move forward.

These horrific, horrendous, and vile behaviors from adult men cannot continue. As an ummah it is something that must be aggressively addressed and dealt with.

Support

Brother please do be very supportive of your wife courage her in her choices as well as ensure that she gets counseling.  this was an action against your wife, so please try not to think of her in a negative way, you do not know the full story.

Insha’Allah give her the benefit of the doubt and encourage her in her healing we wish you the best.