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Disputes, Feelings of Guilt & Abusive Husband (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
13 February, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Thursday, Feb. 14, 2019 | 13:00 - 14:00 GMT

Session is over.

Salam. My husband and I married for almost 5 years already. Ever since I know him I knew that he had a bad temper. I know my personality; I am straight forward but I am very careful when I speak.

I don't like that every time we had a quarrel he picks up his gun and points in it on me threatening to kill me until we got children. He also tells me that if I don't stop crying or complaining he will kill us all. He is always complaining about my parents not supporting me financially w/c I think may parent don't need to support us.

I am very afraid every day that I might do something that one day he will really kill us.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

SubhanAllah, this is a dangerous situation that you are in and it might even be said constitutes a form of emotional abuse as he is controlling you through vernal aggression expressed in the form of a physical threat as extreme as killing you. This is completely unacceptable.

 

Whilst in the face of marital difficulties it is always recommended to try and work on the issue and seek counseling if necessary, in the case of abuse where yours and your children’s life is at risk, this is a less viable option and your safety and security becomes the primary concern over saving a marriage where such abuse rules your behavior as a rule of your fear of him and the death that he is threatening on you and your children.

 

Of course, ultimately it is your choice and one you will need to consider very carefully as the consequences, either way, will be significant, even if you chose to continue in this relationship as it is. However, if you do choose to stay, your husband clearly needs some support in overcoming the issue he has with a bad temper and if you support him through this it would be best for all.

 

However, as mentioned, you are in a dangerous situation where lives at risk. Even aside from the experience, you are having, remember that your children are vulnerable and less experienced and will not have the capacity to manage the emotional turmoil that they face. Also, remember that even if they don’t seem overly affected now, they may be affected internally and/or even go on to behave in the same way as your husband believing this kind of aggression is normal and ok. Even if he doesn’t mean it, the threat is there and the physical means are there to do it as he actually holds a gun to you. It may be that one day he is not able to control that last bit of self-control he does have and he takes action.

 

If you feel leaving for good is too extreme an option at this point you might begin with something more temporary. Go with your children and stay with a close family member. This way you can feel safe during this time. You can relax and be yourself. This will give you the space to think carefully about the next step without being clouded by the fear of what your husband will do. If you chose to leave,  at least you are in a safe place where you can make plans for a more permanent abode. It will also give him the space to consider his own actions too. Without someone around to take his temper out on, he will have to find alternative ways to manage himself. This may a positive thing that leads him to make changes.

 

If this happens and you chose to go back and try and work things out you might try setting a condition that he seeks professional help for his temper issue. Then you might meet with him to see if he has truly changed before taking any big steps back. If you have any ounce of doubt that things haven’t changed or you still feel fearful then continue with plans towards yours and your children future insecurity. If this is the case then make sure to surround yourself with loved ones as you will need both emotional and physical support in taking these next big steps in your life. Seek counseling for yourself too as a means to deal with the emotional difficulties that you have had to go through in the face of this abuse.

 

Amongst all this, remember that what has happened is not your fault and it is your choice as to what steps you take next.

 

May Allah ease your burden and guide you to a path of happiness and success in both this life and the next.

8 years ago, my mum without my dad's acknowledge took money from his locker worth millions. Afterward he noticed the reduction in his capital which leads him to a great bankruptcy and then found out the reason behind it.

Even after a number of consultants, she did not return the money. I realized this fact after a few years and by then I had grown up. Now and then, this incident keeps popping up from my dad's mouth and I am in a dilemma of how to handle this.

My dad tolerates everything and lives with her for the sake of us. Yet we know it is unfair to him as he struggles every day. What can I do? Please advise me something right and good in the eyes of Allah. Jazakallah.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is very difficult for children to see their parents have difficult relations with one another and often children will feel like they are to blame somehow and end up baring more emotional burden than the parents do. The parents are often unaware of this and the children continue to suffer for it. So, the first thing to remember is that whilst it is clearly placing a toll on you to see that you gather has been treated like this, do try to separate yourself from feeling responsible. Remember that the issue is between them.

 

Despite your mum’s unacceptable behavior towards your dad, he has chosen to remain and not walk away from the marriage. Whilst you should not interfere with his choice, or even try and convince him to do something else about the situation, you can be there to support him through whatever difficulties he is facing as a result. Providing this support will make it easier for him to move on successfully and make rational decisions knowing he has the support of those around him. You may not be able to provide any financial support, but you can provide emotional support. Just be there for him to talk to. He may not open up to you fully about his struggles and feelings, but simply knowing that someone is there to talk to if he ever chooses to can mean a lot and make moving on a lot more comfortable.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. How do you like to be comforted during difficulties? Knowing someone is there for you come what may make a world of difference even if they say or do nothing but be at your side.

 

It’s not necessary to talk about the situation with your mum, talk to him about daily life, ask him how his day has been  what his plans are, make him dinner, go out with him, make him feel special and appreciated, that even though he may have been stripped of his finances you still love him as your father. You don’t even need to say it, but your actions will make your caring feelings towards him very clear.

 

This is the way that we should be with our parents anyway if we act in accordance with Islam, but it is just to make sure that it is done in such a way that will not cause further discord between him and your mum or highlight and make a big deal out of an issue that may cause it to get worse if it is continually raised,  especially if you have no part in it. If he knows he has your love and support perhaps he will stop talking about it and move on in the knowledge that he still had a comfortable home environment anyway, or if he chooses to take action, then he knows he has the support of those who mean the most to him.

 

May Allah reward your concern for your father and guide your mum aright. May He bring happiness and contentment in Tony our family in this life and the next.

 

Assalam Alaikum. My parents are old and dad is sick and I have siblings who are not helping me financially. They live abroad. I’ve decided to travel abroad to make a living, but I have a divorced sister at home who's going to take care of my parents whilst I'm gone. I'm the only man in the house. Now I seek your advice. I must go because of the money, but I cannot leave my sister alone.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh brother,

 

May Allah reward your concern for looking out for your parents in their old age. Alhamdulillah, you have a sister who will be at home to take care of your parents whilst you go out to earn a living.

 

For now, before you start work abroad and the finances are low it is important to be cautious with the money that you spend until you are able to provide them with more financial assistance once you start work. This is where careful planning will be important. Make a plan and budget spending each week to ensure that even if you are living on minimal supplies for now, at least there will be food in the house.

 

As much as you are probably fine with hoping them without the support of anyone else, whilst times are tough you might consider talking to your siblings about the financial situation. It may be that because they are abroad they are not fully aware of the current difficulties. Since there are several of you, perhaps you might ask if they can help out and contribute small amounts to your parents just for the basics for now until you are in a more stable situation.

 

Whilst you are still at home and before you travel abroad you now have a good opportunity to make sure things are in order in your parents’ house before you go, that there are no major issues with their house..etc.. that need to be fixed up before you go. This will leave you in a comfortable state of mind before you leave so you will be able to go and commit yourself to your work without worrying so much about their security. Furthermore, with your sister at home, you know they will have someone present to take care of their support needs.

 

During this time, whilst visas and travel arrangements are being made, you might see if there is a job you can do locally to make ends meet in the meantime. Even if it is a job that you are overqualified for, just a temporary measure to provide some support for a short time.

 

May Allah bring you to ease during this testing time and reward your desire and concern for making sure your parents are well looked after and secure at this time in their life when they need it the most.

Assaamuailakum. I have a weird problem. Alhamdulilah I have been very blessed in life, Allah has answered my prayers and I feel content. However, each time I read bad news happening to my brothers and sister (Yemen, Palestine etc...) I feel hopeless.

I feel guilty asking Allah for things, and feel like he won't answer my prayers as I am ungrateful asking for more while others have less than me. I would really appreciate any input as this is impacting my life, I feel aimless and depressed after seeing people in bad situations.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Alhamdulilah that you live a comfortable and blessed life, but unfortunately as you talk about here, there are still many of our brothers and sisters who were not blessed in the same way and this can lead to feelings of deep sadness and helplessness towards them.

 

Remember that being blessed with certain things is also as much a test as not being blessed. However, the test is different. The test lies in being grateful and using the things you have been blessed with wisely. To ask Allah for things is letting Him know that you know that He is the only one who can provide this for you. It shows your reliance on Him and your need for Him. If He wants to give it to you, He will and He will see how you use that blessing, and if it is not for you then He won’t grant it to you, but you will not know unless you ask.

 

The feeling of helplessness comes from the fact that you can’t directly help those who are suffering or take it away from them, but there is so much you can do indirectly. Firstly, the easiest and the best thing you can do is pray for them. Ask Allah to make things easier for them. Also, remember that for all the suffering they are enduring the reward for them will be magnificent, more so than for those who have been blessed with a comfortable life in this world. Remembering that alone can help provide some psychological comfort when we remember the turmoil that they face each day.

 

Aside from praying for them, there are practical things you can do also; donating money to the charities that support them, or if you are in the position to, you could even enquire if there are opportunities to go out there and be with these people yourself. Or, you may volunteer for the organization or organize your own fundraisers.

 

So, as you can see, whilst our heart aches for those who are suffering there is so much that we can still do to help through prayer at the very least and the confidence and trust that Allah will answer these prayers and that they will be rewarded abundantly for their struggles. In addition to this, there is much you can do to provide practical support too through donating or volunteering.

 

May Allah ease the suffering of our brothers and sisters. May He reward your concern and answer every prayer that we ask to help people in need.