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Ask the Psychologist (Counseling Session)

Aisha Mohammad
16 January, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Thursday, Jan. 17, 2019 | 06:00 - 07:00 GMT

Session is over.

Salam dear counselor. What to do when my husband has the core belief of “I am incompetent” and interprets everything I say or do in this way. I ended up not feeling like talking to him because anything we start discussing ends in argument. Due to feeling inferior that he has not achieved his stuff for years, he works at a place he hates, seeing me working in a place I love and feel motivated to do things, makes him try to control me, give orders. We too often have different opinion about something, and while I like such discussions when it is kept in a respectful way (he often belittles my opinion), he tend to close it saying iam argumentative, why I cannot be more simple…

He also gets the worst out of me when he says things that I interpret as judging my acts or opinion, or questions my ability to make decisions for myself (like meeting my friend without necessarily asking permission from him rather informing him about it..) Whats wrong with that? Say “ make the breakfast” without please, react in an angry way quickly to my words and I am just stending there looking at him why this harshness, for which he says I am wrong, and he must act in such a way so that I understand….usually these occasions are related to islam, for example, I shared an article or post for example about the bad condition of women sections in mosques, and he right away attacked me why I share these things, I do not understand the full picture, talking about something without knowledge is very bad in Islam and I hardly know anything ( he studied about Islam in the university).

He dislikes that I wear modest trousers with tunika (much much wider than his jeans pants), dislikes that I am on Instagram, dislikes that I am emphatic with sisters who for any reason chose not to wear the hijab, …lots of things he dislikes I say or do and judges me that I am wrong he doesn’t like the idea of me giving tour about islam to non muslims in the mosque cuz” I dunno enough for this”….he has a bit of black and white way of thinking, while iam more the liberal, more emphatic, and understanding type…he things iam getting astray from islam…

In such cases it is really hard for me to control myself and not react back in a harsh way that why he cannot be more nice with me, even if iam wrong, this is not the way to talk to me and convince me. Actually harsh way will just make me defensive –which I hate but no idea how to deal with it in a healthy manner. The worst is that his words makes me feel guilty, as if a Muslim wife should not do more than serving his husband. He often says that home stuff are my duties, why would he bring the trash outside. And of course, such behavior, or that he basically cannot do anything else just focus on himself and his achievements, sitting on his laptop, every minute on his mobile, saying always that he is busy, he will “ see whether on the weekend he is free to do something with me…”

How to del with a husband who feels inferior, is very moody, always misinterprets my words and takes it as criticism, makes me feel everything is about him and I am just his servant basically, that I should help his ideas, work with him in his peojects, take care of his home…he, he, he…and if has some free time, then me…This attitude makes me feel I am also going to give less time, not going to try to be nice when I gwet rejection, so I got busy with work and my stuff, which bothers him and makes him more defensive….and we are in the vicious circle. My only hope to save this marriage is marriage counseling, but he is not opened of course to it..so we are not silent for a week with each other, and I feel much more relaxed this way.

I am not sure how he imagines me to look up to him with such bossy, unemphatic, egoist, arrogant attitude…please, tell me what do I wrong, because when he is not defensive, (when everything goes the way he imagines it), then he is a lovely person…



as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran sister for writing to our live session.  I’m so sorry to hear about the issues that you and your husband are having with communication. I’m not sure how long you been married, but sometimes during the first couple of years, couples must get used to different communication methods between each other. People express themselves in different ways as you know. It’s important in a marriage to get to know how your spouse communicates. It is also good to know how you communicate, be aware of your body language, a tone of voice, and the way you project the things you are saying. Often when couples are not aware of their communication styles and the way it affects the recipient, it can cause a lot of problems as you see. Sadly, it appears that neither you nor your husband are communicating effectively.  He is coming across as short-tempered, and bossy sounding and you react defensively possibly getting angry. Yet, sadly, neither of you hear what the other is saying.

 

You stated that your husband has the core belief that you are you are incompetent, and that he feels this way because he feels inferior. You stated that he has not achieved much for his years and that he does not enjoy the place that he works. You feel that he may resent you because you enjoy your job, and you are motivated to do things. You also feel that because of this, he tries to control you and give you orders. When you and your husband are talking you feel that he brings “the worst” out of you because you feel he is judging you.

 

Sister, it seems that there is a lot of miscommunication going on. For instance, did he say that he feels inferior? Or do you just assume that? Sometimes we can project thoughts and feelings into a conversation sister that aren’t how a person feels.  That is why it is important to have an understanding between a married couple.

 

Perhaps he is happy for you. Perhaps he is proud of you, but other issues in the marriage get in the way of him saying this. It could also be, that he does feel inferior. This may cause him to try to exert what little power and control he feels he does have in the marriage. I could see where this would result in clashes.

 

Sister, you cannot control the way he feels; however, you can contribute to building up a healthy marital relationship with positive reinforcement and encouragement. If he does feel inferior, you can help by giving him positive statements, say nice things about him, or his accomplishments.

 

When he says things that are not nice, condescending, or mean, you can control your reaction. Again, you can’t control what he says, but you can control how you react. Instead of debating a topic with him knowing that it gets him upset and it will continue, just end the conversation on a pleasant note. You might want to say “oh honey, I see your point…” Or you may want to just listen. This is not necessarily agreeing with him, but it is showing respect, listening and preventing an argument. I know this is hard to do, but if we just listened sometimes- the person who is making their point will finish their point and that will be it. There will be no response, no feedback, no arguing. In other words, he can’t get the “worst out of you” unless you let him.

 

From what you have written it appears that he dislikes a lot of things that you do. He does not like what you wear, he doesn’t like what you post, he does not like that you empathize with some sisters, he does not like you on social media, he does not like you giving dawah, etc. Sister, I’m wondering how well did you know each other before you married? Did you have a chance to sit down in halal way and discuss your lifestyles, personalities, likes, and dislikes? It appears that both of you are not very compatible at this moment. Harsh words are not healthy for a marriage. Your husband should not be harsh with you. Your husband should not be judgmental. Your husband should be loving, kind, show mercy and guide you in a gentle way. As your husband seems to know about Islam, then he should know how the prophet Mohammad pbuh treated his wives. He was never harsh with them. He didn’t treat them as slaves. Our beloved prophet (pbuh) even sewed his own socks and helped clean the home.

 

On the other hand, as his wife, there are certain expectations of you as well. As wives, we must respect our husbands, consult them and respect their decisions on matters unless they are oppressive or go against Allah.  At the end of your question, you stated: “he is a lovely person”.  I kindly ask you to make a list of his “lovely” qualities and reflect on what attracted you to him.  You may wish to share this with him at some point.  I am sure it will be beneficial.

 

Sister, I kindly encourage you to see if there is marriage counseling at an Islamic center or Masjid near you.  I know you already asked him and he said no, but if it is Islamically based perhaps he will agree.  If he still won’t go, I suggest that you go for ongoing counseling to help deal with the situation.  If there are Islamic marriage or even pre-marriage classes near you, please enroll insha’Allah. These are great classes and can give you a wealth of information, skills and create a deeper understanding of an Islamic marriage.  Content usually includes “rights of each spouse, communication skills, what to do in difficulties, how to grow together in Islam”, etc.  Insha’Allah it will be beneficial. Please see our “marriage” folder (1) for some great articles!

 

It seems that the two of you are coming from not only different perspectives but personality.  You are more outgoing and verbal it seems, wherein he seems more inclusive and keeps conversations to a minimum.  Nothing is wrong with either, however, when clashes begin over differences in expression, an intervention must occur. It may be that he comes from a totally different background than you.  Perhaps his background is very conservative and yours was not.  Perhaps you are used to being independent.  Again, there is nothing wrong with either-but at some point, you both need to find a middle ground to make your marriage work.  It may even take some compromising on both parts.

 

Insha’Allah sister, you both will go for marriage counseling as it is needed.  Perhaps initially he will not go, but maybe after seeing you go, it will encourage him to join you.  Make duaa to Allah, that Allah touches his heart to move in the right direction for the healing of your marriage.  It seems you are willing, insha’llah he will too. We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

Since I was young I really don't know why or how but whenever something bad had to happen in my family or with me,some time before I feel pressure on my heart and then my heart sinks.It stopped happening in between but I felt it again a few days back and I am really restless and worried.Can you suggest me a dua which I can recite continually to ease my fear and to not let anything bad happen. thank you.



as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing into our live session with your question. What you are experiencing may be quite common. Is very possible that you are experiencing anxiety or panic disorder. You describe that when something bad happens in your family, you feel pressure in your heart and it starts to feel like it is sinking. This feeling can happen when we get anxious, overstressed, or have an emotional worry. I cannot diagnose you but that is my feeling. As it has been happening since you were a child, it just may be your body’s way of expressing stress or anxiety.

 

I kindly suggest, however, that you go to your family doctor to rule out anything physical.  It is important to ensure that there’s nothing going on with your heart. I doubt that there is, however, we must always rule out physical health-related issues first. You may also wish to request a referral to a counselor. A counselor can correctly diagnose what is going on and provide treatment, which is usually very successful.  I would kindly suggest insha’Allah that you also learn some relaxation and de-stressing tips (1).  This will help you cope with future situations that may arise.  These can be as simple as deep breathing exercises or progressive muscle relaxation to a whole lifestyle change including diet (eating healthy), exercise, adjusting sleep patterns and so forth.

 

Dzhkir is also a good way to reduce stress and promote relaxation.  Personally, I find it helps me in times when I feel anxious as well as at other times in the day.  There are many blessings in the remembrance of Allah swt. Also, remember that in the Qu’an it states, “So he invoked his Lord, Indeed, I am overpowered, so help”. (Quran, 54:10) and “So seek refuge in Allah. Indeed, it is He who is the Hearing, the Seeing.”(Qur’an, 40:56).  When we call upon Allah, He does help us and our hearts find rest.  A very helpful duaa which the Prophet (PBUH) use to say after every prayer, and after saying ““astaghfirullah” three times is “O Allah, You are Al-Salaam and from You is all peace, blessed are You, O Possessor of Majesty and Honor.’‏ (Muslim) (2).

 

Insha’Allah these tips help you overcome these feelings.  Please do consider seeing your family physician to rule out any physical issue as well as a counselor.  We wish you the best.  You are in our prayers.

Assalamualaikum. I am a 23 year old girl.My family has shown me probably over 20 boys and I turned down most of them because I felt that I wouldn’t be compatible.Am I ungrateful for doing so?This also has strained my relationship with my parents.My parents are extremely loving but lately my relationship with them have gone for a toss because they are angry with me for having rejected many boys.They are anxious because I am nearing my cultural expiration date.



as salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand, your parents have presented to you about 20 boys and you do not feel that any of them are compatible with you.  I do not think you are being ungrateful.  It is your choice who you marry, and compatibility is an essential factor when choosing a marriage mate which insha’Allah is for life.  I think you are being wise in knowing what will not work in terms of a marriage.

 

I would kindly suggest however, that insha’Allah you do make a list of the traits and qualities that you are seeking in a marriage partner.  This may help you as you and your parents contemplate potential husbands.  By knowing what it is you are looking for, as opposed to what you do not desire-it will insha’Allah make the search easier. Perhaps by focusing on what it is you are looking for, you will insha’Allah find a compatible spouse.  If you find someone with more qualities that are compatible than not, it may be worth examining further.  Please do remember though sister, no one can be a perfect match.  There is always something we may feel is not a good or compatible point.  If a person has most of the points but is lacking in a few, that may okay if they are not huge ones.  For instance, you meet a boy who you feel has most of the compatible points you are seeking.

 

However, if he does not pray regularly or he doesn’t feel family is that important and you do, then there may be problems.  However, if they are smaller points like choice of food preferences, the way he dresses or a career choice (within reasonable limits) these can be adapted to.  The goal is sister is to choose a few main points from your list that a potential spouse should have.  No one can fulfill any one person’s compatibility needs 100%, but indeed being compatible does require certain commonalities.

 

I would kindly suggest you share your list insha’Allah with your parents.  Also, seek out other venues which are halal for meeting someone. It may be through a mutual friend who knows someone, or someone at an Islamic event catches your eye.  Let your parents know. By being an active seeker in your own marriage choice, you may find you have more successful matches.

 

Insha’Allah once your parents know that you do want to get married and are putting together ideas of how to successfully find a compatible potential spouse insha’Allah, they may not feel so much anxiety.  While I understand the cultural implications dear sister, please do try to focus on the Islamic ones, these are the ones that truly count. Trust in Allah, and make duaa to Allah to guide you to your future spouse.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

As Salaam Alaikum.

Respected team, all the articles, queries and fatwas are focused on couples or about parenting. Doesn't Islam emphasise on the importance of siblings? Can siblings mistreat each other or be biased? Isn't a brother responsible for his sister or are his duties and respect limited to parents and wife? There are brothers that are good sons or husbands but do not love and value their sisters and consider them as only father's responsibility.

Please share an Islamic perspective or fatwa on the relationship between siblings. Especially brother and sister.

Jazakillah khair.



as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I am not an Islamic scholar, I cannot advise you on fatwas.  Please do submit your question to our “Ask the Scholar” section for a complete answer.

 

I can advise you that as Muslims, we are to treat each other with love, kindness, and mercy.  This is especially so for family and siblings.

 

AboutIslam states “Adil Salahi, editor of Arab News writes, “A person’s relatives are collectively called in Arabic his Rahim. Linguistically, this word means “womb.” When it is used to indicate a person’s relatives, it includes all his relatives whether close or distant, heirs or not […] The Arabic root from which the word rahim is derived indicates mercy and compassion […] The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:  “Allah says: I am Ar-Rahman (the Most Merciful) and I have created kinship (that is rahim) and given it a name which is derived from My name. He who fosters it I will bless, and he who severs it I will sever.” (At-Tidmidhi)”.  I feel that this clearly sums up how a relationship should be between siblings and how siblings should treat each other.  We are to foster good, loving relationships with our “rahim” or siblings.  We are to show mercy and compassion.

 

Brothers who do not value their sisters and look at them as only their father’s responsibility are not fulfilling love and mercy.  As above-Allah says of this “He who fosters it I will bless, and he who severs it I will sever”.  If we examine your question from a general adab perspective, the least of this (but very important) is giving the greetings of “as salamu alaykum”.  As Muslims we volunteer to help others in need, we give donations to charities, we seek to alleviate the sufferings of others.  If we see a sister (or brother) in need are we not supposed to help them?  Especially if that one is from our own mother’s womb?  If we cannot even do that, then something is gravely wrong.

 

May Allah grant mercy upon us all and lead us down the right path.

I had a traumatizing experience last night; I couldn't really sleep until 5 o'clock. I had this feeling in my heart I don't know if it was anxiety, distress, or doubt which I hope its not or something else I would get this feeling when I say the name of Allah or bismillah or something like that and I would grab something tight around me because it makes me panic.

I rarely feel it good to say the names of Allah. I have lots of waswasa. I hope shaytan has not beaten me because I've done everything I can do to stop this. I just don't know what caused this feeling. My tears are gone I do not know why. I hope my fear doesn't go away like my tears. I just need an answer.

If someone had gone through trauma with a guy, and she overthinks that it was because of her being thin, should she just become overweight or take therapy and then start exercising and be healthy according to her religion in Islam.



As salamu alaykum,

 

Thank you for writing to our live session.  You stated that you had a traumatizing experience last night. You described that you had feelings in your heart and you could not identify what is was, but it kept you up all night. I can imagine it was very distressing.  You also stated you felt something tight, grabbing around you. I’m not sure if you meant that you felt something was tight around your chest grabbing you, or you would hold yourself to calm yourself down. In any event, it sounds like you could be having anxiety or panic attacks which can be truly frightening.  However, I cannot diagnose you, only a doctor or therapist who does an assessment can tell you what it may be.

 

During these feelings of panic or anxiety, you found relief by saying bismillah or Allah, but you had a hard time staying focused it seems.  This is not uncommon as we tend to have a hard time to stay focus when we are in fear.  It triggers a “fight or flight” response biologically.

 

I would kindly suggest that you do make an appointment with your doctor to rule out anything physical. I am sure your doctor’s appointment will turn out fine insha’Allah, and it is always a good place to start.  Insha’Allah, please make an appointment with a counselor who can assess your situation and make a correct diagnosis. It is my feeling, however, that you may be suffering from panic attacks. Oftentimes people with panic or anxiety disorder do experience them at night time. Sometimes it becomes so severe that one becomes very afraid. In your case, you stated that these feelings make you panic but not as much as before, so I am wondering if you were diagnosed with anxiety or panic disorder in the past. If it is coming back, please do seek treatment. You also stated that along with these feelings of panic or anxiety, that you fear that you will lose your connection with Allah (basically). You stated that your tears went away (unable to cry?) and you hope that your fear of Allah doesn’t go away either. From what you have said, it sounds like you feel numb.  I may be wrong, but often after an intense anxiety or panic attack, the person can feel drained or numb.  This may be due to all the emotional and mental energy used up trying to fight off the anxiety/panic. The mind needs a “rest time” afterward to regroup.

 

These symptoms and feelings are quite common with anxiety and panic disorder as previously stated. Please do make an appointment with a counselor so you can get an evaluation and ongoing treatment if it is recommended.  I would also kindly suggest that you engage in some relaxation exercises such as deep breathing and dhzikr, so you can gain control over what you are feeling and come to a feeling of peace. Stress reduction helps a lot. Also, regular exercising, eating healthy, as well as other positive lifestyle changes, can be very useful.

 

Concerning your question about someone going through trauma due to a guy, first of all, there should not have been a relationship with a guy.  It is haram.  Insha’Allah this girl has repented, knowing Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive.

 

Additionally, if one feels that the guy was traumatizing because she looked too thin, it may have been an emotionally abusive relationship.  In this case, the girl should seek counseling to prevent a possible eating disorder from starting, as well as to increase her self-esteem and self-worth.  She should strive to be healthy, eat good foods, exercise and take care of her body as Allah swt created (gifted) her with that body.  She should not harm or despise it.

 

Regarding the possible anxiety/panic-do dhzikr, make duaa and stay close to Allah. Read Qur’an daily. You will find many comforting ayats in the Qur’an that will give you comfort, peace, and blessings.

 

I know this must have been a scary experience.  Please do make an appointment with your doctor, and a counselor.  Please let us know how you are doing. we wish you the best.