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Ask the Counselor Live Session

Aisha Mohammad
24 January, 2019

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

Thursday, Jan. 24, 2019 | 09:30 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.

How do I handle a narcissist husband who never takes the blame for his mistakes and never feels sorry when he hurts me intentionally or unintentionally. I have tried to use Islam to correct him...he prays and looks into halal haram and is very genuine when it comes to money...but everything boils down to him...and he is very clear he will not take a bullet to save his daughter (but he is a very good father). I want to live with him because of my daughter, but his ego is so difficult to handle...I can't even talk in an argument and when I cry he is not even bothered...so I try not to cry in front of him but only in front of Allah...pls help



as salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulties you are experiencing with your husband.  If he is indeed diagnosed by a professional with NPD it can be a very challenging marriage indeed.  As a spouse, you will be without many emotional supports which marriage is supposed to provide. It can be very difficult as you know.  On the other hand, you described him as a good father, he prays and is willing to examine the differences between halal and haram.  He also is “genuine” when it comes to money.  So, he does have a lot of good points going for him.   Nonetheless, the lack of empathy, the need to be the center of attention as well as other features may be overbearing.

 

I am wondering if your husband is in counseling sister? If he isn’t I would kindly suggest that he gets treatment in order to insha’Allah improve your marriage as well as help him to develop empathy towards others.  NPD is hard to treat.  However according to Psychology Today (1), “mentalization-based therapy, transference-focused psychotherapy, and schema-focused psychotherapy have all been suggested as effective ways of treating narcissistic personality disorder.”

 

If he refuses to get counseling, I kindly suggest dear sister that you get counseling to help with the stress and emotions that you go through because of him.  Counseling can be a good platform to vent, get feedback, learn helpful coping skills and techniques.  Increase your social interactions.  If you know your husband has NPD, look to others who are close such as family or a close friend, to try to fill that void.  While it is not the same support and empathy you would get from a spouse, it is a support.  Understand that his limitations do not have to become yours.  As you decided to stay in the marriage there are ways to work around his disorder as long as it is not severe.  Psychology Today offers some great tips (2).

 

You may also wish to join a support group for spouses of people with NPD.  You will be able to share your thoughts and obstacles with others who are in similar situations.  Support groups can provide a safe platform to learn, grow and share experiences.  By sharing with others who are going through the same situations as you, you can be confident that insha’Allah they understand what you are feeling and going through. Insha’Allah this may also be of benefit.  Lastly, make duaa to Allah for healing, ease and mercy sister.  Try to do Islamic things together as a family such as praying together, reading Qur’an, going to the Masjid and attending Islamic events and functions.  The closer we are to Allah as individuals and as a family unit, the more tolerable things become.  We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

1.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

2.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201711/in-love-narcissist-6-ways-make-it-work

 

 

I want to divorce my husband ..with a reason at the moment he not helping my finally and today he told me that he doesn't love me even he told Me to be for we get merry he didn't love with Me the thing is I live in Australia and he living still overseas. He even told me to pay for hem sponsorship while he knows I do have money I just finishing my uni and looking for job he was promised me that he will help me but after we get merry thinks are changing so I told hem to divorce Me but he says no what should I do I really get out off from this hardship



as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session with your most important question and concerns.  As I understand your situation, you married a man who lives overseas in another country.  At first, he promised he would help financially once you were married, but after you got married everything changed.  According to you, he now wants you to pay sponsorship for his family to come to Australia (I imagine his too?) and he states he does not love you.  Sister, may Allah forgive me if I am wrong, but it seems he married you for citizenship.  What I am wondering, however, is why did you go through with the marriage when you saw the red flags (his saying before marriage he didn’t love you)?  While love does not always come before marriage as Allah does put love between two peoples hearts, usually one does not say “I don’t love you” before marriage either.

 

I would normally advise you to try to work out your marriage sister but given the facts you stated, I am not.

 

He does not support you nor contribute to the household. He still states he does not love you. He is pressuring you to sponsor his parents.  This is not a marriage but seems more like a visa ticket.  It appears to have nothing to do with making a life together nor building an Islamic home.  It is devoid of mercy, kindness, and yes-love.  I would advise you speak with an imam and a lawyer.  You do have the right to divorce him regardless of what he says.  I advise you to start the process as soon as possible as his sponsorship is probably underway in the legal system.  Please do consult with an attorney as soon as you can.  Sister, I am so sorry you have to go through this, I imagine it hurts very much.  You deserve someone who will treat you with love and kindness, one who desires an Islamic marriage and home.  One who is willing to support you in all ways. Insha’Allah, if you do choose divorce, it will be fast and you can heal and move on with your life.  Stay close to Allah as He is our comforter.   We wish you the best, you are in our prayers.

I have a female friend. She met a male guy on social media and started chatting with him and accidentally send him some of her pictures. The guy was a mental patient and an extremist as well. His texts reflected his blackmailing techniques. My female friend was scared of him because he was having her pictures and she feared that he might use them for evil needs though they were the pictures of her face simple pictures. In such a situation she just kept on doing whatever that guy asked her to do. He came to her home and she unwillingly had to go meet him because she was scared of him as he was having her pictures.

That guy first hug her and then tried to french kiss her but my female friend did not respond to his kiss so he stopped( I mean she didn’t kiss him back he was the one who tried to kiss ) but his lips touched the lips of my female friend. After that, he just forced her against the wall and my female friend was unaware of what he was going to do! That guy forced her against the wall and took off her pants. My female friend was unarmed because that guy was holding her against the wall so forcefully that she was unable to move and she was scared as well. That guy then took his penis out of his pant and was about to force it inside my female friends vagina but when the tip of his penis just touched my female friend’s vagina she moved and it didn’t go inside her vagina because when his penis touched it She just moved aside and that guy was unsuccessful!

What I want to ask is that is it Zina ( prohibited sex ) as my female friend was not aware of what that guy was going to do to her. And did she commit a sin by letting him kiss and hug her although she was scared of him? And is there any kafara to be paid by my female friend for letting him kiss and hug her as she did everything in a situation of being scared? Secondly, my female friend is just too much worried and tensed and she is constantly seeking forgiveness from Allah but is she a part of that sin (Zina) because she was unaware that he would do such thing.

Although the penis did not go inside her vagina! The penis just touched her vagina and she moved aside so being unsuccessful is my female friend required to pay any kafara or anything please guide me!



as salamu alaykum brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand the situation, your friend who is female met a guy on social media and started chatting with him.  She “accidentally” sent him some pictures of herself.  It turns out this guy is a mental patient and an extremist.  She fears he will blackmail her with the pictures. She also met with this guy (out of fear again) at her home and again she went out to meet him.  He did try to kiss her and force himself upon her sexually.  He even took off her pants, and I imagine she was scared and let him to avoid the possibility of him showing others the pictures of her face.

 

Brother, honestly I am wondering what is wrong with this picture.  First of all, one doesn’t accidentally send pictures of themselves.  It takes a conscious decision to chose a picture and click “send”.  Additionally, if one is in fear, one does not invite a mental patient, who is an extremist to her home.  Usually, one calls the police or notifies someone if she feels the danger is that great.

 

An Attempted Rape?

 

Brother, you asked about “kafara to be paid” however the real issue here is whether or not this girl was sexually assaulted.  Either she met him because she wanted to and was attracted to him and now feels guilty, or she was truly the victim of online stalking, harassment and attempted rape.  If this is the case it is a very serious matter and should be reported to the authorities.  As he is a mental patient, an extremist and dangerous, someone needs to protect your friend from a further attack and harassment.  This is a very serious issue.  Her life could be at stake. He knows where she lives.  Please do talk to her again and notify the authorities regarding an attempted rape.

 

Poor Decisions-Bad Outcomes

 

On the other hand, if part of the issue is that she got involved with someone and went a little bit too far and is now feeling guilty, please advise her that it is haram to get involved with men, it is haram to be alone with a man and it is haram to be intimate with a man.  While she did not commit the sin of intercourse, she commits other sins and put her life in danger.  Insha’Allah your friend has learned from this experience has asked for forgiveness from Allah; repented and has cut the person off totally.

 

Please encourage your friend accordingly.  If this was truly an attempted rape, notify the authorities and advise your friend to get counseling for the trauma.  Please do ensure she has protection until the guy is caught.  If it was not as she says, advise her on adhering to our Islamic morals and foundations of Islam.  Encourage her to repent and seek forgiveness from Allah swt.  Insha’Allah, your friend will be safe, will realize the wisdom in not talking to strange men and will seek out the mercy and forgiveness of Allah as she moves forward in life.  We wish her the best.

 

I am the adult child of a man and woman who won’t accept my conversion to Islam at 22, accusing me of “mislabeling just for attention”. For a year and a half I lied and told them that I abandoned it. That’s over. I am a committed Quranist who receives bullying from parents and one of my siblings. I am not married, mostly because of this lack of acceptance. I’m not asking society as a whole, but I thought my family loved me. And I’m not trying to convert them; they can be “agnostic Christians” if they want, I have tolerance.



As salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear the difficulties you are going through with your parents and sibling due to your reverting to Islam.  It is a common issue many reverts face.  Often times, a family needs time to accept that their child has reverted to Islam especially if that family is practicing a religion. It is not an easy process in some situations.  Sister, the best example you can offer of your dedication to Islam (opposed to it being anattention-gettingg change) is to live our Islamic principles in your every day life.  Along with our duties to Allah, our moral values and convictions, this includes kindness, patience, and tolerance. You should be kind to your family sister and patient with their misplaced anger and confusion.  After all, this was probably a big shock to them and they do not know how to deal with it.  Additionally, they have probably heard many false lies and horrible things about Islam on the news, in other media, and maybe even from their friends and religious place of worship.

 

You state you are not trying to “convert” them, however you can educate them on what a Muslim is by being a good example in your conduct and treatment of them.  Insha’Allah, they will see the changes in you for the positive and may one day come into an acceptance. Sister,m your parents do love you, they are just confused, angry and probably scared.  As far as being bullied by them, as I do not know to what extent this is happening but if it is such a condition that harms you, please do look into other living arrangements.

 

You state you are not married due to not being accepted as a Muslim, if I am understanding you correctly.  Sister, please forgive me, but this does not make sense to me. As a Muslim woman, a Muslim man would be your choice as a marriage partner.  I kindly suggest dear sister that you if you have not already, seek out Muslim friendships in your community, go to the Masjid, and engage in Islamic events and activities.  By building up an Islamic foundation socially and educationally, it will insha’Allah, provide you with solid supports.  Our sisters are a great source of strength and comfort. Your friendships with other Muslim sisters will prove to be most treasured in your journey in Islam.

 

Insha’Allah, as you incorporate more of your Islamic attributes at home dealing with your family, you will come from a position of security and peace as opposed to a position of defense.  Insha’Allah, your family will also “fall back” and adopt a more accepting and peaceful approach.

 

Stay close to Allah sister, and seek His mercy, guidance and protection throughout your journey in Islam.  We wish you the best.

Dear Counselor,

Assalam o Alaikum! Hope you are fine. I have two questions. First, I have a problem at home. Everything was going on well but all of a sudden in 2017 i became mentally disturbed. It was due to misunderstanding (my wife and brother -in law). I saw him and my wife signalling each other. It maybe true or wrong but i started being suspicious. It went to the extend that there was a very big incident at home almost breaking my marriage. Now my condition is that i suspect everything from phone calls to anything. She doesn`t know it`s still in my mind. What is the solution to this?

Secondly, my father is an Alim and has done a lot of work. He has also a business ( rent and a factory). The thing is my younger brother and brother in law are in charge. The way they are handling the business has spoilt everything. If i point a finger i become bad. There are rumors of my in-law doing wrong things. The question is want we be asked day of Qiyamah and wont all bring it in front of them?



as salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through emotionally.  From what you have described, in 2017 you felt something or suspected that something transpired between your wife and brother in law.  When you raised concerns, it almost ruined your marriage.  You currently suspect phone calls and other interactions and appear to keep thinking about it.  You also feel that your brother and brother in law are not running the family business correctly and are “ruining everything”.  Lastly, you say there are rumors of your in-laws doing wrong things.

 

I may be wrong, please forgive me, but you seem consumed with the idea of other people doing bad things (your wife, brother, brother-in-law, your in-laws).  As you know, it is not good to be always pondering on bad things we think people may be doing, especially with no proofs).  In fact, in the Qur’an it states ‘O ye who believe! Shun much suspicion; for lo! some suspicion is a crime” (49:12).  While there may be some proofs such as bad business decisions or other factors, indeed more is needed to substantiate your deep concerns and mental anguish.  It appears to be harming you as well as your family relations.  I understand brother, that you want the best for your family and you are concerned.  However, we can oftentimes go overboard with concern and thoughts of other peoples actions.

 

I kindly ask that you review how you are feeling in other regards.  Are you anxious, are you under a lot of stress, do you have unfounded fears depression or other mental health symptoms?  You state that everything was going well until you became mentally ill in 2017.  You feel your mental health has been triggered by a possible event between your wife and brother in law.

 

Brother, I kindly ask you to find some time when the home is peaceful and you can relax and sort out your thoughts.  Examine each separate issue starting with your wife and brother in law.  Make a list of the actions or words which made you think something transpired.  Please make sure it is concrete proof and not just a suspicion.  Insha’Allah, please do this with the other issues.  Insha’Allah this may help you to rationalize if these suspicious thoughts have a solid basis or not.  It may be that these suspicious thoughts are a by-product of your mental health status, including the initial one with your wife. If this is the case then it is not your fault.  You may be suffering from anxiety or another mental health issue which is causing you to feel suspicious and possibly paranoid.

 

I kindly suggest dear brother that you seek out a counselor who can evaluate you, and determine if indeed there is a disorder present.  If there is, I encourage you to follow the treatment plan as it can insha’Allah, restore your mental health.   Please let us know how you are doing, you are in our prayers.

asalama Alaikum, I am a boy from a syed family and i was always taught by my father to respect my teachers and elders and i always did and still i do but with a change in my behavior. last year one of my ex-teacher approached me for a help and i said yes to him in regards and he became a friend of mine in this time and forced me to have alcohol with him, i told him i am a Muslim and this is haram and i am syed as well so how can i he forced and put some alcohol in my soft drink that day, he drinks me time to time after that and i just carried away with that lesson my father taught me that to respect my teachers and elders,.

One day he took me to a hotel room and started touching me and made me ao drunk that i lost my self and he made me to have sex with him as he wanted me to be his man and he became a women to me and i remember i entered my private part into his ass, when i came out of my hangover i regretted and cried and even my tone changed to him. I didn't talk to him for weeks he came asking for me then one day he met me again and did same drinking thing and again made me do the same act and 2 times repeatedly which i can recall of.

I have did Tuba to Allah many times i repent on it now and i will for my whole life, i never ever did zina before or after that even i am not married yet but i never did zina ever except of this incident, kindly someone tell me how can i do sorry for this act i was drunk at that time and he made me into this against my will and in that he told in my ears things and parts of women and of his own wife and made me keept on doing that shameful act, kindly anyone who reads my msg reply me how can i do tuba how to get away from this regret and of this act that i can't forgive my self of, i had few minor accidents and i thought Allah is punishing me, i am so ashamed, i haven't met that person till date she is searching me i left my friends who can give him my contact. i changed my home my contact numbers everything.

Please help me out of this guilt and regret. any dua any sorry anything i can say to Allah that my heart can come back to peace, i always said sorry to Allah and never ever did any such act in my life but my heart is not ok please tell me any dua any forgiving act please i will be thankful to you till my last breath.



As salamu alaykum brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  From your question, I hear great pain, regret and remorse dear brother. It appears that someone whom you trusted very much has not only betrayed that trust but did acts with you that made you feel violated.  As I understand what happened, your ex-teacher needed help one time and asked you, and as a result, you became friends. During the course of this friendship, you stated he forced you to drink and made you perform sexual acts with him.

 

First of all dear brother, I understand how you feel may feel coerced, however when we do wrong we must take responsibility for our actions.  This is especially important when we seek forgiveness and repentance.  We are to be honest in our prayers.  We are to acknowledge our part in the sin.  You stated “he forced me to have alcohol with him, I told him I am a Muslim and this is haram” thus you knew it was alcohol, you knew it was wrong.  Additionally, after that incident of drinking alcohol and having sex, you felt horrible.  You cried and felt very bad and remorseful.  You stayed away from him for a while, however, within a few weeks you met him again, and did drink and have sex knowing full well what meeting him would lead to.

 

Brother, while it was, of course, sinful and haram what took place, it would not have happened if you had just left, walked away.  Often time we do this-we think we are strong enough to overcome temptations but we often fail. Sometimes we feel we must always respect elders, teachers, and others.  That is a good trait yes. However, we must never go beyond that which is permissible in our respect.  We cannot turn our backs on our Islamic principles for “man”.

 

While indeed he may have put something in your drink when he first mentioned alcohol you should have known nothing good would come of this.  However, like most of us, you felt you would not follow him in his haram ways, that you were strong enough. As you can see, it is dangerous thinking. Allah may test us and the shaitan is always happy when we fail. As you can see, it is best if we keep far from situations and people who may compromise our morals and deen.

 

Brother, we all have tests and trials in this life.  We all fail at times and we as humans, as Muslims, we sin.  That is why we have Allah to turn to.  I kindly suggest dear brother that you repent to Allah for these atrocious sins.  Fully repent and ask Allah swt to forgive you and to erase this from your mind.   Once we repent, we should try as hard as we can to put the sin behind us and not dwell on it.  Insha’Allah this experience will bring you closer to Allah as you can now see the dangers in drifting away.  Remember that Allah is most merciful and loves to forgive brother.   Once you have repented, forgive yourself.  If we trust in Allah and we trust in His “word” that He forgives our sins if we sincerely repent, then we have to let go of it and not keep rehashing it.  If we keep worrying and thinking about it, it only serves to cast doubt in our hearts as well as cause other emotional and spiritual struggles.  Give it to Allah, and move on in the right direction. AboutIslam (1) states “The most superior way of asking for forgiveness from Allah is: “O Allah! You are my Lord. None has the right to be worshiped except You. You created me and I am your servant and I abide by your covenant and promise as best I can. I seek refuge in you from the evil, which I have committed. I acknowledge your favor upon me and I know my sins, so forgive me, for verily none can forgive sin except you.”

 

 

If somebody recites this invocation during the night, and if he should die then, he will go to Paradise (or he will be from the people of Paradise). And if he recites it in the morning, and if he should die on the same day, he will have the same fate.” (Al-Bukhari)”

 

Trust in Allah’s mercy and forgiveness brother.  We wish you the best.