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Ask about Partnering – Counseling Session

Aisha Mohammad
09 February, 2020

Salaam `Alaikum dears brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answer will be online very soon

Feel free to send your questions to [email protected]

Monday, Feb. 10, 2020 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.

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Q :

As-salmu aleikom, My daughter is behaving wild and seeks bad behavior. I live in Canada. My daughter came here when she was 8, and we enrolled her in Sunday Muslim school until she was driven away since the school dramatically changed their attitude to girls once they hit puberty.

I stayed close to her and she was doing well at school, was motivated and volunteered a lot, but she did not have luck with her friends. In grade 10 her best friends abandoned her and she befriended an odd group of girls. In grade 11 she showed signs of depression and her grades deteriorated, she stopped going to school or went late, and we started seeking professional help from psychiatrists to therapists, in grade 12 things did not change and she dropped out after being accepted to 6 reputable university programs.

I showed lots of empathy and wanted to get closer to her, at the same time I noticed that her messages with her friends used profanity, many of them are bisexual and sexually active. Her replies show that she had sexual experiences but not sure if this is true or is it me in denial. Alcohol and drugs like marijuana and others are also in the picture. She went with her friends to a gay party without telling me and when I asked her she said she wants to support her friends.

When I brought up homosexuality she called me a homophobe. She watches YouTubers who say god knows what and Netflix shows that make me sick to my stomach. Now I saw her message to her bisexual friend telling her that she likes a girl and needs some tips.

Help me I am losing my daughter to the devil. Every time I start speaking bout spirituality or prayers she laughs and when I ask her you are a Muslim she says yes. she seldom prays and only with me. The other serious point that she turned 18 last September, so an adult!

I believe in miracles and repentance but how do I help my daughter go back on the right path? I am emphasizing on the fact that she finds it intriguing and exciting to think of herself as a lesbian. pls help asap, I am literally dying each second I cannot imagine my beloved daughter committing such kabira Thanks,

A:

As salamu alaikum,

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sad to hear about what you are going through with your daughter. May Allah swt grant ease and mercy. As you have described your daughter’s behavior, is not the best right now as she is acting wild and doing haram things.

A Look into Past

You live in Canada and your daughter came there when she was 8. She attended Sunday Muslim School however, the school changed when the girls hit puberty. You said you stayed

close to her and at first she was doing well at school, was motivated, and volunteered a lot. She then began having issues such as losing her friends. She eventually made new friends, but you found them odd. Around 11th grade she started showing signs of depression. Her grades went down. At this point she stopped going to school or went late. You then sought professional help from psychiatrists and a therapist.

Despite getting therapy, she appears to have been depressed still as you stated in grade 12 things did not changed and she dropped out of school despite being accepted to six reputable University programs. Now she is 18, possibly smoking weed, drinks alcohol, possibly Bi or Lesbian, and has seemed to have left Islam.

Childhood Changes

Your daughter may have had a somewhat insecure start in life as she moved at an early age and then had to go through changes once in Canada. You stated that when she was eight she moved to Canada to live with you. I am not sure where she came from, or what the culture was like when she was there.

Perhaps the move to Canada was a big change for her as an 8-year-old. With that said, it may have taken her a while to adjust to her new country, being with you and your family and trying to make these changes. Then there is the issue with the Muslim Sunday School changing-that may have felt secure to her then when they changed perhaps she felt abandoned or scared.

That is a lot of changes for an eight-year-old child. I am not sure if she left siblings behind in the country that she came from and missed them when she moved, or if there were other stressors or problems in her life as a child. Alhamdulillah she moved in with you and you gave her a wonderful and stable life with a solid Islamic grounding.

Timelines

You completed a very good timeline of events. It really details how your daughter’s development has proceeded. It seems that you have great insight into the flow of her growth and changes. Unfortunately, her choices the past few years have not been ultimate for her wellbeing or deen.

Looking at what you wrote and how the events unfolded, perhaps these poor choices were due to your daughter’s depression. Depression can cause problems and poor decision making. If she was seeing a psychiatrist and getting therapy, she should have improved. If she did, not another consultation should have been sought.

It may be that she is still suffering from depression. In this case, the best that moving forward would be to first resolve her mental health issues.

Mental Health

I would kindly advise insha’Allah that you suggest she try counseling if she is willing. As she is 18 years old and now and adult, she can make her own decisions as to whether or not she wants to get counseling. I would kindly suggest you sit down with her and discuss the possibility of her engaging in counseling again. Nothing else can truly be addressed unless your daughter’s mental health needs are taken care of.

Parent and Friend

As she is 18, according to Islam, this stage of her life requires that you be more of a friend to her than a parent. Parenting roles are specific within Islam pertaining to the growth and the development of a child. This is not to say that you are not her parent, of course not- you will always be her parent, but it is to say that perhaps a different approach may be better.

Insha’Allah, try approaching your daughter as a friend. This would mean instead of getting upset (and rightfully), you would exhibit a curiosity and empathy, as well as concern regarding her choices. I kindly suggest insha’Allah that when you speak with her, you may wish to ask her about how she’s doing, how was her day and so forth.

When you build up a conversation, ask if she has any plans on returning to school and getting her college degree, as well as discuss the issue counseling, offer to go with her. If she refuses, don’t push her or get upset, just leave the door (option) open.

Share Feelings and Experiences

When conversing with her, you may want to discuss with her some of your experiences when you were her age. This may include indecisiveness about college, experience with losing a friend, experiences of feeling alone, and so on. Sharing experiences may help to create a strong bond between you and your daughter.

A Loving and concerned Parent

When you remove yourself from the platform of being in judgement as a loving and concerned parent, and offer support instead, you may see a positive change in her choices going forward.

Upsetting Choices

It’s understandable that her choices are upsetting to you as a lot of them are Haram. However, she is 18. This is between her and Allah. We do not want to see any of our children stray from the straight path. It hurts us deeply. However, we must always remember that Allah is most merciful, and this life is filled with tests and trials.

Teens and young adults (and older!) often try on new identities, make mistakes, fall short. Often that is how people learn to make good decisions, by making poor choices first and learning from them. To complicate matters, your daughter has a mental illness-depression which may be affecting her self-image, choices, and ability to see clearly. She appears to want to fit in somewhere, somehow.

Daughter may be Lesbian

Your daughter may feel that she is a lesbian. She may be seeking acceptance and camaraderie with those whom she is befriended. She may be experimenting. On the other hand, she may truly feel that she is Gay, and has felt this way for a long time.

Perhaps this is the cause for her depression, and adjustment problems in high school. If this is the case, it is between her and Allah. The best thing you can do is to support her emotionally while providing her with sound moral guidance while she tries to figure out who and what she is in this life, and what she truly wants.

Daughter Identifies as Muslim

She does state that she is Muslim, and she does pray with you. These two factors are a blessing. It shows that she does love Allah and she does consider herself a Muslim. Insha’Allah, try to get closer to her by building a supportive bridge no matter what.

Share with her some of your feelings and experiences when you were her age. Try not to focus on the negative behaviors and choices right now. Rather focus on getting close to her and getting her to go in for treatment for depression.

Insha’Allah, if she gets treatment you may see a big change in her choices. It sounds like she is trying to find herself in the midst of sadness (depression). Often times people will try to mask pain with drugs or alcohol-the goal is to resolve the depression and start to live a happy life with good decision making skills. Insha’Allah, she will.

We wish you the best.

Q:

I am 26 years-old Muslim girl from Bangladesh. I am searching for a good husband for me. Is there anything I can do for getting married as soon as possible? What is the supplication I should do to get a marriage proposal from my better half? How to find a good Muslim man who will be ready to start a family? Please advise!

A:

As salamu alaikum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session. You are 26 years old, from Bangladesh and you wish to get married. Alhamdulillah. Marriage is one of the greatest blessings Allah has provided for us. It is truly a union between two people-one of love, mercy, and kindness.

Prior to Seeking a Spouse

I would kindly suggest sister that prior to seeking a spouse, you make a list of the qualities that you seek in a spouse. What are you looking for in a husband? Are you looking for someone who is kind, considerate has great Islamic knowledge, has a big family or a small family?  Are you looking for a husband who wants a lot of children or do you want a small family? These are just hypothetical questions.

But it is illustrative of some of the things you be you should be thinking about. What you desire in a spouse should reflect what you yourself would like. By making a list of what you would like in a spouse, it will help you sort through the many thoughts you may have on your mind. Also, make a list of the things you can offer a potential husband.

Self Examination

Examine the things that are important to you. For instance, do you want to go to university to study? If that has been a lifelong dream and goal, you may want to choose somebody who is supportive of that. Again, this is just an example.

Please do think about the things in your life that mean a lot to you and try insha’Allah to chose one who will respect your interests and goals. Marriages partners need to have things in common with each other to ensure compatibility.

In a Hurry to Marry

Sister, you said you needed to get in married in a hurry. I’m not really sure why. Please do not rush marriage. Please take your time. Get to know yourself in terms of what you expect from marriage and what kind of husband you want. This will help you to make good choices when you do meet a potential husband.

Finding a Spouse

I am unsure of your living situation sister. If you have parents, family members, or friends who can help you meet someone nice that would be optimal. If you do, please let them know that you would like to get married. By then you should have a list that you have created of qualities you are seeking in a husband.

Please let them know what you are seeking in a husband, so they do not contact men that you would not be interested in. If there is no one where you live who you can assist you, inform the imam and sisters at your Masjid you are seeking a husband. There are always online options.

There are Muslim Matrimonial websites, however, if you take this option, please do ensure that the site is valid, reputable, and safe. There are also groups single Muslims have created online as well. If they are moderated well, they too can be a safe place to meet someone. However, you must ensure that any contact is kept halal.

Preparing for marriage Insha’Allah

Sister, I also kindly recommended insha’Allah that if there is a Masjid or Islamic Center in your area who offers premarital counseling please do take the classes.

Premarital counseling classes are an excellent way to learn more about your rights as a wife, your duties to a husband, expectations of marriage, Islamic foundations of a marriage, as well as how to communicate, compromise, and other nice classes that teach various things and skills.

Ask Allah for a Spouse

Sister, I do encourage you to make duaa to Allah regarding your desire for a husband. AboutIslam(1) says to recite: “Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min kharyin faqeer. (My Lord, I am ever needful of any favor that You may send my way.)Allahumma, rahmataka arju fala takilni ila nafsi tarafata `aynin wa aslih li sha’ni kullahu. (O Allah, I beseech Your mercy, so do not abandon me to my own devices even for an instant; and straighten all of my affairs for me.) Allahumma aghnini bi halalika `an haramika wa bi ta`atika `an ma`siyatika wa bi fadlika `amman siwaka (O Allah, make me self-sufficient with what You have declared as halal for me so that I am not compelled to resort to that which is haram; and make me self-sufficient with Your obedience so that I am not compelled to disobey You; and make me self-sufficient with Your favor so that I do not need to look to others for favor.)

While you may read any of the above with the purpose you have in mind at all times; however, you are best advised to do so following two rak`ahs of Salat al-Hajah (Prayer for a need)- Sheikh Ahmad Kutty”

We wish you the best sister.

  1. https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/dhikr-supplication/duaa-find-good-husband/

Q: 

As-salamu `alaykum, I want to know what are the responsibilities of parents in Islam (or in other words the rights of children). What is the Islamic opinion about the parents who do not fulfill their responsibilities? I was not provided a home environment all my life, as my parents stayed mostly abroad and left us to stay with our uncle and grandmother. They did provide good food, shelter, and clothing but no real parent-daughter relationship.

I found backbiting, fighting between parents, and lack of understanding common in my family. It had a very negative effect on my personality. I looked for emotional support outside my “house”.

I finally got married (my choice). My husband is a religious and God-fearing man and we try to obtain guidance from our religion in every aspect of our lives. It has been six years, but my parents have not accepted my husband. His family is socially not compatible with my parent’s family.

My father wants to reconcile, but he is helpless in front of my mother’s ego. I have tried to ask their forgiveness always and try to be as nice to them as possible.

But recently I had an emotional breakdown and I told my mother that she needs to find the reasons for not building a good family life instead of blaming everything on me, making me feel guilty and throwing me out of the family circle for so long. She got very angry with me. I am extremely disturbed.

My question is: Am I to be blamed solely for this whole situation and to be treated as a filthy sinner always by my parents? Is it wrong to speak out my heart and mind in front of my mother?

I have even got wrong advice from my mother in respect of obeying my husband and observing purdah, as she herself doesn’t follow the Islamic rules about these issues. Is it wrong to try to make her realize her mistakes somehow and convince her to move towards better?

A:

A-salaam alaikum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am sorry to hear about your situation with your family. Alhamdulillah you grew up in a safe, comfortable home despite your parents not being there. Perhaps this was the best for you. Only Allah knows. You are currently trying to reconcile with your parents, but your mom is making it difficult.

Differing Values

It seems that your parents have different Islamic values than you have. I would kindly suggest Insha’Allah that you accept this. You are unlikely to change your parent’s sister. I will kindly suggest you make duua for them that Allah touches their hearts. As your father is trying to reach out that is a good thing. However, as he is trying to please your mother too, he is unable to take the lead and connect with you fully.

Continue Love, Support, Respect of Mother

Your mom has her own reasons, history, and issues as to why she is the way she is. I will kindly suggest you show her loving support. However, knowing that she does not have the same Islamic values that you do, I would not seek her advice. If she says or does things that are against Islamic values, try not to be upset as you already know this about her. Just continue to be the loving, warm, patient person Allah created.

Refocusing

Sister you are married to a wonderful man and you appear to be very happy. Alhamdulillah. Please do focus on you and your husband, and your life together. I know you desire to reconcile with your parents and would like if they accepted your husband, however their values  and expectations lie elsewhere. They do love you sister; they just have issues-as most humans. The solution is turning to Allah.

Desire to be Accepted  by Parents

Insha’Allah, Allah will make a way for you and your family to be strengthened and to be cordial to one another and eventually close. It is sad that your mom and perhaps your father do not accept your husband. However, as long as he Islamically correct for you, and you are happy, then that is all that matters. It is nice to have parents’ blessings when one is married. But it is not required.

Sister, you speak of asking your parents for forgiveness. Though I am not sure what you desire to be forgiven for? You have not described anything that you have done wrong, but If you are referring to getting upset with your mother, yes, that is haram. However, if you have apologized and repented to Allah, that should suffice sister.

We are all human. We all make mistakes. Our goal is to become better Muslims by realizing our mistakes, apologizing to who we offended, repenting to Allah, and moving on. It is up to the person whether or not they are going to hang on to whatever has happened.

However, regarding you- as you have apologized and repented you are free to move on. There’s nothing more for you to do or say or think about, regarding it.

Thoughts for Future Interactions

In the future I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that if being around your parents is likely to upset you and set you off that you either avoid situations that may get you upset, or practice patience, kindness, love, and self-control so that you do not get angry and upset and say things you don’t mean, or say things that are hurtful. When we lash out in anger, it’s usually because we are the ones who are hurt.

Overcoming Hurt and Anger

I understand that the situation is hurtful for you. However, you were raised in a loving safe secure home. You had the things that you needed growing up, and you did meet and marry a wonderful husband. Nothing is perfect in life, and in your situation, there is a drama with your parents.

Please do continue to show them respect, try to restrain your anger and hurt. You may want to analyze why you are angry and hurt and try to resolve it so that you may continue to show patience, love, and mercy, as Allah would want you to.

Some things you will not be able to fix or change sister, and that is okay, give it to Allah and focus on you and your husband and other nice things in your life.

We wish you the best.

Q:

I am back to my country now and will have a baby in few weeks. The father of the child is a Tunisian Muslim. Now we don’t have any communication anymore. My question is, what will be my stand to this? What name should I give my daughter, and deep inside, I really wanted to fix the relationship of my daughter and her father.

What should I do? Or what action should I take? I understand that the religion of my child will be Islam and I don’t really have a problem with that because even though I am a Christian, I have little knowledge about Islam.

The majority of my friends are Muslims and they have the most genuine hearts. Please send me some advice. Thank you and hope to hear from you soon.

A:

As-salaam alaikum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand, you were out of the country for a while, and now you were back home. You are going to have a baby soon.

The father of your baby is Muslim. As you did not indicate the nature of your relationship with him, nor did you indicate why he is not involved despite not being together, I will do my best insha’Allah to address your concerns Allah willing.

Absent Father

Depending on the circumstances, your child’s father does have the right to be in his child’s life unless he is a threat or harm to the child.  I am not sure what your situation with him is- if he said he would not be in your daughter’s life, or if he wanted to be but was unsure due to other factors?  If he said he would not be, this is not Islamic. He supposed to take care of his child.

A father is to help his child to grow emotionally, mentally, financially as well as Islamic ally. If it is that he does want to be in her life and distance is a problem, perhaps he can visit, skype her, talk to her on the phone and so forth.

Cannot Force Father to be in Childs Life

If your daughter’s father does not want to be in her life that is sad, but there is no way to make him be a part of her life. That choice will be between him and Allah, and he will likely regret it as he realizes the great blessing he missed out on watching her grow up.

Sister, if he has chosen to not be in her life, there is no way that you can really push the issue and force him to be. If you were to do so, it may cause more harm for your child (and you emotionally) than if you just left the situation alone.

Child Support

Also, depending on what country he is in, it may be very difficult to get child support for your baby. You would have to check out the laws in that country and this country regarding child support if you chose. I know this is not what you asked but every child deserves to be financially supported by their parents (both) if they are able. He may refuse.

Not all Muslims will follow Islam fully, and some may avoid financial responsibilities concerning their children. This is because as Muslims we are human and prone to the same sins and mistakes as everyone else.

Raising your Child as Muslim

Your decision to raise your child as a Muslim is admirable as you yourself are Christian. May Allah bless and guide you sister.  Insha’Allah I kindly suggest that you do to learn more about Islam so you can help guide your child as your child grows.

If you raise your child as Muslim, that would mean your child would go to the Masjid for prayers, learn about Islam, and follow Islamic ways. As you already have friends who are Muslim they may be able to assist you with this, but it is best that you learn more about Islam so you will have a deeper knowledge of Islam and be able to help guide your child.

You may wish to go to the Masjid with your friends, learn the fundamentals of Islam, like how to pray, what the beliefs are and so forth. You will be most welcomed.

Naming of Child

In regard to naming your child, you may name your child anything you would like! It is your choice. There are Muslims who have reverted to Islam and kept their birth names. Having an Islamic name it is not required. The only instance when it may be required to change a name is if the name means something that is Haram (bad). Please do give your child a wonderful name that will reflect the attributes and nice qualities you wish for your child whether it be Arab, African, European, or other. The point is, Islam is a universal religion worldwide and Arab names are not required.

Admiring your Openness

Sister, I admire your insight, concern, and openness regarding your child and Islam. Please do seek to encourage your child’s father to be a part of her life one more time, if he refuses, let it go and give it to Allah. If you desire and are able, seek child support for your child.

Please gain in-depth Islamic knowledge if you plan to raise your child as a Muslim. Attend Islamic events, go to the Masjid to learn and ask your friends for guidance as the need comes up. As you are Christian, please do pray to Allah as well for guidance. Congratulations on your baby.

We wish you the best.