Imagine being a brand new college student. You’re excited to be away from home and looking forward to getting involved in college life. You turn up to class, make new friends, and then you meet someone special. This person is warm, kind and intelligent – you are intrigued and attracted. This person is also not Muslim. What do you do?

Acknowledgement

Acknowledge that you’re feeling attracted to your non-Muslim friend. Even though you knew better, everyone makes mistakes. Treat this an opportunity to grow, and reorient yourself to what is pleasing to Allah. 

Acceptance

Accept that you are struggling with feelings with attraction to your non-Muslim friend. Make space for these feelings. Don’t try to deny them or suppress them. Please don’t act on your feelings of attraction, but bring awareness to them. Denial and suppression don’t work in the long-run. Acceptance does. 

A Conscious Decision

Make a conscious decision to choose the path that is pleasing to Allah. As tempting as it may feel, there is no barakah in a pre-marital relationship with a non-Muslim. This path will only lead you to heartbreak and distance from Allah. Nobody is worth that kind of alienation from your Creator. 

Taqwa of Allah, and good character.” Abu Hurairah narrated that when the Messenger of Allah was asked about that for which people are admitted into Paradise the most, this is what he said. And he was asked about that for which people are admitted into the Fire the most, and he said: ” The mouth and the private parts.” (Tirmidhi)

Shared Values

Think about the values that matter most to you. Does living by Islam matter to you? Do you want your future children to be raised as Muslims? Do you want a spouse with whom you can connect with on a physical, emotional and spiritual level? If living by Islam is a priority to you, then it’s important that you are honest with yourself. Think of the long-term plan for your life, as well as your afterlife. 

O you who believe, save yourselves and your families from a fire, the fuel of which is human beings and stones, appointed on which are angels, stern and severe, who do not disobey Allah in what He orders them, and do whatever they are ordered to do.” (At-Tahrim 66:6)

Converting for marriage

Many people have entered Islam through getting married. There is tremendous reward in helping to facilitate a person coming to Islam. Countless converts have made good on their Islam, and have proven, over and over, to be so sincere in their journey to Allah. 

Sahl bin Sa’d (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to ‘Ali (May Allah be pleased with him), “By Allah, if a single person is guided by Allah through you, it will be better for you than a whole lot of red camels.” [Bukhari and Muslim].

Muslim families who understand this would warmly welcome a new convert. Unfortunately, Muslim families who have a racial preference for their future daughter and/or son-in-law may find it difficult at first. 

Going separate ways

Please remember that guidance can only come from Allah. There is no way you can force belief into a person’s heart. Even the beloved uncle of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) himself did not die on Islam. 

If the person you are attracted to has no interest in embracing Islam, then your relationship does not have a future. It is better for you to go separate ways sooner rather than later. The longer you hold on, then the harder it will be for you to let go. 

Role of mother

If you’re a young man reading this, then I encourage you to reflect about what kind of mother you want for your children. Most of the time, fathers are the ones who work and mothers are the ones who stay home and nurture their children. Their values and understanding of the deen directly impact upon the hearts of their impressionable young children. A mother who is not Muslim will be unable to nurture the hearts and souls of her children in a way that pleases Allah. 

Role of father

If you’re a young woman reading this, then I encourage you to think about the kind of father you’d like for your children. Children absorb so much simply from watching how we are. Seeing a father who establishes prayer, goes to the masjid, gives in charity, and so on, speaks far louder than a father who is not Muslim. Seeing a father who is kind and supportive of their mother, as is the Prophetic way, sets a standard for children. A father who is not Muslim, no matter how well-intentioned, cannot offer the spiritual leadership so needed in a Muslim family. 

Prevention is better than cure

It’s not always easy, but try your best to speak to your parents about marriage long before you actually meet someone in college. It helps to understand what your parents hope for. Every family is different. Some parents make it clear that they’ll be the ones to choose their child’s spouse. Other parents have a list of requirements, like a preference for a certain profession, racial background, socioeconomic class, and so on.  Some parents keep it very simple – just marry someone who a kind Muslim. Every family has different expectations, and it is up to you to figure it out, and reach a compromise. 

Preparing for marriage

Before college starts, make a commitment to actually learn the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage. It takes more than love for a marriage to work. It takes wisdom, patience, a willingness to grow, and most of all, a commitment to choose the path that pleases Allah.