Remove Reminders

If you have anything that reminds you of him, get rid of it or at least hide it, because each time you see it, you’ll be reminded of the time when you had hope and it will be more difficult to control your sadness at the loss. If you have him on any type of a contact list, remove him.

The relationship has ended, you have no reason to contact him again, or he you. Allah permitted you to be in contact with a non-Mahram man and discuss personal matters, because you were considering the possibility of marriage. Once that intention is no longer mutual, you have no reason to talk to him again in that way.

Check Your Thoughts

Many sisters act as if their emotions are independent of them and out of their control, so they don’t look for ways to control them. Yes, sisters generally do have softer natures than brothers and they are more emotional, but sometimes that is used as excuse for them not to try to control their emotions and to give into them.

Not only do some sisters let the emotion control them, but they also stoke the fire of the emotion, by consciously bringing up thoughts and memories of the one they have lost, dwelling on the memories and even consciously searching for a forgotten bit of memory to retain their full picture.

No wonder they have difficulty letting go and moving on; they are deliberately holding onto the memories, re-cycling them and re-distressing themselves. If that rings a bell with you, what can you do instead? You need to actively take steps to break these cycles.

If you catch yourself thinking about him, stop the thought, don’t let it develop. Distract yourself by thinking of something else. Challenge the reality of your thoughts in the way a wise auntie would.

Your thoughts can be in your control! Once you’ve got through the first couple of days and realized that it really is over, stop yourself from thinking about him. And don’t let Satan’s waswasa tempt you back to it.

Express Your Feelings and Then Dispose of Them

If you find it difficult to manage your thoughts, because you still feel that you have some unresolved issues, take out a piece of paper and write down all your thoughts and feelings down. And then dispose of them.

Yes, burn them, bury them, tear them up, and throw them in the trash bin! Or, if you prefer, find a quiet place on your own and pretend that he is sitting there in front of you and tell him exactly what you’re feeling and thinking. Get it all out! And when you’ve finished walk away from that spot and never return. You are in control.

Do the Supplication of Umm Salamah

Islam gives a maximum mourning period of only 3 days for anyone who is not a husband, and that is following bereavement. So when you’re approaching this 3-day limit it’s time to take control of yourself.

If you’re still feeling weepy, down or flattened emotionally due about your loss, it’s time to make all the efforts you can to shake yourself out of that stage and start moving on. You need to start looking forward to the life that Allah has planned for you; the one that is going to be better for you than the one you had imagined with him.

One of the best ways to do this is to follow the example of Umm Salamah, who after losing her beloved husband Abu Salamah in the Battle of Uhud, did this supplicationthat was taught to her by Prophet Muhammad and she ended up marrying the Prophet!

Verily to Allah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allah, reward me for my calamity and compensate me with something better than it.

Then start planning your future. Take your time with this, you don’t have to do it in a hurry, but you do need to start thinking of how you can best live the precious life that Allah has granted to you, in the way that will please Him as the SuperMuslimah that you are!

First published: February 2012

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