13 December, 2017
Q
As-salamu `alaikum. Last Ramadan, I was chatting with a man from Bosnia. He was very kind, talkative, religious; he was the man I’ve always wanted. We had conversations regularly; I immediately fell in love with him. I have never felt this sort of feeling before. He first said that he liked me, and I was so happy knowing he had the same feeling like me. He said I was very kind and religious, and he said he would not ask me to be his girlfriend because we lived in different countries. As time went by, he seemed more distant with me. We had fewer conversations. I was so sad. When asked him why he stayed away from me, he answered that he did not want that the love towards me increases. He said he kept making du'a to Allah for us. "We don't know what destiny would bring to us" - he said. The problem now is that I still can't forget him. It's been a month, and I have never thought I would still remember him like this. I blame myself for being so stupid! Why did I have to fall in love with a "stranger”? I keep making du'a for me and him. I am often sad if I am thinking about him. I always cry in the middle of my prayer about him. I don't know what it is. I might probably be insane and I don't make any sense at all, but it's true! I feel it. My questions are 1. Is it a sin to keep making du'a for him who hurt my heart? 2. May I still make du'a to Allah (swt) that someday I and he will meet somewhere and that he will be my husband? 3. Do you have any advice for me to heal my broken heart and clear everything that happened in my life? I think he has blinded me for other men. Every time I meet a new man, I always compare that man to him, and my heart is still glued to him. I hope you can reply and help me. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
“What really happened is that you have unmet emotional needs. These emotional longings and needs are real, and everyone has them. This person gave you hope that these needs were going to be met. You attached yourself on a subconscious level to the person that represented the fulfillment of these emotional needs. Yet, in reality, you only knew this person in a limited way.”
As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,
I believe I understand how you feel. This sense of having a broken heart and the relentless infatuation with a man whom you are not in a relationship with is more common than many people might think. Although you are obsessed with what your mind has created to be an image of an “ideal” man, you do not share a real love. The feelings you have for the man are not actual “love feelings”, but rather you are experiencing a type of obsession.
What really happened is that you have unmet emotional needs. These emotional longings and needs are real, and everyone has them. This person gave you hope that these needs were going to be met. You attached yourself on a subconscious level to the person that represented the fulfillment of these emotional needs. Yet, in reality, you only knew this person in a limited way. It is probable that, indeed, this person has been a friend to you. He also seems to be honorable and he does not want to hurt you. You have not connected with him on a level beyond that; however, and he is clear that he does not feel that level of connection.
With that said, he did not break your heart. You are disappointed that your friend did not turn into something deeper. Once you are able to see that you were disappointed, but now you are more aware of what qualities you would like to see in a man before you consent to consider marriage with him, you will begin your road to recovery.
This individual made you feel good about yourself. Your emotions were also triggered because you were getting attention. Everyone needs attention, so understand that I am trying to help you understand yourself.
To truly make progress, you will want to learn to nurture yourself, identify your emotional needs, and learn to love yourself. Learn to connect with same-sex friends who will be positive about you, support your goals, and recognize your talents and all of the wonderful aspects of you. Work on this before you make yourself available to any man. Give yourself some time to learn about who you are, what you need, and how to become strong from the inside out. Get yourself involved in some positive activities with other people such as work, school, or volunteer charity work and develop your social skills, your character, and your talents.
You will find that as you move forward in life and learn to make a habit of continuously working to become a better person and of growing and developing yourself, your self-esteem will increase. You will make friends and a lot of your emotional needs will also be met in the process. This will make you less vulnerable to becoming infatuated with someone who is not available to you or who cannot meet your needs. You will be able to position yourself so that you can meet someone who is ready, willing and able to meet your emotional needs, and you will also have a lot to offer that person as well.
When the time is right, and you are truly ready in the way that I described; when you are also becoming the person who can meet the emotional needs of a man as a result of developing yourself, the man will likely appear, and he will peruse you in a natural and healthy manner.
To answer your questions specifically:
1. I cannot say that it is a sin to make du’aa’ and persistently ask Allah to bring a man to you who already told you that he was not interested in being with you. But I can say that is certainly isn’t healthy or good for you. If it was the will of Allah to bring this man to you, then this man would peruse you and ask you to marry him.
2. It would be better to pray to Allah for healthy and gentle correction and guidance. Pray for help that you become the ideal woman for a man who is ready and wants marriage, who also has the desire and ability to meet your needs, and who has the qualities that you admired in the man whom you have been infatuated with.
Remember, you have been given a gift of awareness of what qualities you would like in a man from this experience, so you can thank Allah for this awareness. Ask Allah to bring you to the husband that He would want you to have. If you are seeking union, pray for that; if you are seeking friendship and comfort, and good conversation, then ask for that. Pray for what you really need, and pray that what you will become more aware of exactly what that is. Don’t settle for anything less.
3. You will heal in time. To accelerate that healing, follow the above advice and shift your focus to self-improvement, finding your spirituality, and connecting with Allah through action, prayer, and faith. After a few more months, the intensity of your infatuation will decrease. When the correct man who is Allah’s choice for you appears, you will not have any difficulty feeling an authentic connection and love for him.
Take things slow and one day at a time. Work on becoming the women that this husband deserves as he will also have spiritual and emotional needs that he hopes a wife will fulfill.
I pray you have found some help, and or comfort in my response.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
