Answer
In this counseling answer:
“While it may not be easy, please do approach him, tell him in sha’ Allah that you know of his marriage and you look forward to meeting his wife and welcoming her into the family. This will lead to a better relationship with your son, the families, as well as securing you and your husband’s future as far as good relations and financial security, in sha’ Allah.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
I am sorry to hear about your issues with your son. Often times, children want one thing for their lives, and a parent wants another as they are older and wiser and may have more insight. However, in the end, dear sister, it is the grown child’s choice whom they will marry, what career they will pursue and so on. While you and your husband had a nice girl picked out for your son, it is important to keep in mind that according to About Islam’s scholar: “What is important to note is that according to the laws of Islam, just like a young son or daughter is not allowed to disobey their parents in ma’ruf matters, so too, in the same way, a Muslim parent is not allowed to force their adult son or daughter into a marriage against their will, or to decide their marriage without consulting them/garnering their consent first”.
As your son probably knew that you would never approve of his choice as she is older than him and possibly as she is Filipino (as you mentioned this), he had married in secret, which is haram as one of the conditions of marriage is the public announcement. However, as we do not know if it was a public nikkah in her country or somewhere else, we do not know if it is public knowledge or if it is a secret only to you and your husband. His behavior may have changed due to the stress of keeping this from you, his fear of how you will react and how he will now manage his life if you disapprove.
While you mentioned her age, her ethnicity and that she is a revert, please dear sister, I ask you to in sha’ Allah looks at these things as a positive. As a revert, she chose Islam, which is a very wonderful thing. May Allah bless and reward her for her for choice. Our beloved Prophet’s wife (Khadijah) was 15 years older than him. He loved her dearly and they had a wonderful marriage until she died. So, my dear sister, I ask that in sha’ Allah you try to see her good points and respect her as the wife your son has chosen.
While it may not be easy, please do approach him, tell him in sha’ Allah that you know of his marriage and you look forward to meeting his wife and welcoming her into the family. This will lead to a better relationship with your son, the families, as well as securing you and your husband’s future as far as good relations and financial security, in sha’ Allah. You may even find your new daughter in law to be a much-needed help and blessing within the family.
With your and your husband’s acceptance and blessing of this marriage, you will be following Islamic guidelines as noted above as well as helping to create a more conducive home for your son and his wife. He is already married dear sister, you cannot change that, but you can change how you treat him and her to turn this into a happy occasion thus relieving some of the stress and fear your son may be feeling.
While I feel your disappointment, please dear sister, look at it from an Islamic viewpoint. He has married a Muslim woman whom obviously means a lot to him, and she has the potential to make your son happy. As you also mentioned that she was not beautiful to you, perhaps she is to your son, and more importantly, possibly he married her for her piety.
Please sister, welcome her to your family and get to know her with loving hearts.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
