Until recently, I always thought I would live home with my parents until they find a husband for me. Since I began college, I've been finding it harder and harder to live at home. My parents are always fighting.
I have to endure the fighting that comes from both my older siblings. I am not happy at home anymore.
I wake up and just wait until I can go back to bed. But I can't talk to my parents about any of that because then I'm an "ungrateful" child.
My parents don't yell at me. They don't hit me, but I know I can't be myself to them or do what I want because it's either their way or no way.
I wanted to ask whether or not it would be acceptable to respectfully leave home and live on my own once I can support myself. Thank you!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
At present, you need to complete your studies with full concentration, get excellent grades and hope and pray to ensure that you can get good job offers right after graduation.
You need to let go of what is bothersome and focus on something much bigger.
Build a relationship with them by discussing your life with them. Perhaps they are overly stressed given the house circumstances and do not see what it is that you are lacking.
Supplicate to your heart’s content regarding what it is that you want to achieve in life.
There is nothing better than exercise to promote productivity, positivity, creativity, and happiness.
Assalaamu Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation. I am sorry to hear about the issues that you are currently facing with your parents, and the negative impact it is having on you.
I am truly saddened by the condition of a relationship between you and your family. It truly hurts me to see all the emotional pain that you are suffering from.
You’ll be surprised to know that every other person you meet is going through issues with families. However, when they step outside, they must put on a happy face for the world.
This is the sad reality, dear sister, and unfortunately, even little children as young as thirteen and fourteen are victims of unhappy homes.
By no means are you an ungrateful child. Every single person yearns for happiness and acceptance. This is exactly why each human being wants to strive for hard work and money.
They believe that these are the doors to happiness. However, when other factors are at play, simply working hard and earning money will not render anyone happy.
Live in the moment
Dear sister, thinking about the future and planning to move away will distract you from the present moment. Regarding if it’s permissible or not can be answered by me, as I am not a scholar, but you can consult the Ask the Scholar section.
However, regarding your thought process about the future, I can see that it may not be the best approach.
At present, you need to complete your studies with full concentration, get excellent grades and hope and pray to ensure that you can get good job offers right after graduation. This is a long process and will require careful planning and execution.
Stressing over the distractions and the future move will not help you focus on your grades and networking for securing a good job position.
In addition, it is possible that in the future, you may get married if the right time comes, or the condition of your home may improve. Either way, you cannot guarantee that things will not change for the better. Often, things will change for the better when we least expect it.
I understand that being in an unhappy home is making you feel hopeless and hence you are planning a life away. But you need to shift your focus from what is disturbing you to what will benefit you.
I sincerely advise you to stop focusing too much on the negativity you feel because of your family’s unhappy condition and focus on developing as a stronger Muslim and a more focused career driven individual.
Allah says in the Quran,
“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (Ar-Rad, 13:28)
True sadness and despair tend to deviate us from believing in the power of Allah. So, remember Allah often. Your degree of happiness depends on your level of connection with Allah, and your knowledge of Him. How can you love a stranger? That love will only grow once you learn more and more about Allah.
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Dear sister, once that love grows, everything else will fall into place. Perhaps you are feeling unhappy with the treatment that you are receiving from your parents and your siblings. Because you are giving them too much priority. Where, in fact, they do not deserve that much priority and that much of your mental and emotional devotion.
You need to let go of what is bothersome and focus on something much bigger. Remember that Allah will never ever place you in a situation which He does not think you can handle. Therefore, use this opportunity and the lack of connection with your family to connect deeply and strongly with Allah.
Allah says in the Quran,
“So, do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.” (Quran 3:139)
Never in the Quran, or in the sayings of the Prophet Muhammed, will you find that you are asked to despair, fall into hopelessness, and isolate yourself constantly thinking about your troubles. Instead, you are asked to see every situation from a positive angle and see growth.
Therefore, supplicate to your heart’s content regarding what it is that you want to achieve in life.
Allah says in the Quran:
”And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided”(2:186).
What will be your career’s focus?
Decide what you want in life. To get what you want, you must first decide what you want.
Be willing to dream big dreams. When you consider what you want to be and are willing to dream big, you will see how little family problems become meaningless because your mind is set on something even bigger.
Set goals that will stretch you, that will make you work harder and see the benefits in improving yourself to be of service to others.
Start a success/personal development/goal journal and write your goals down. Writing down your goals makes you feel as though you can plan and achieve them rather than letting them be abstract and simply part of your imagination.
In addition, when you write down your goals, you feel lively, less bothered and happy.
Exercise
I highly suggest that every student invest at least 20 min/day getting active. There is nothing better than exercise to promote productivity, positivity, creativity, and happiness. In research, it is found that people who are regular at exercising are hardly victims of depression, anxiety, sadness or even hopelessness.
It also shows that after simply going for a 30-minute walk, individuals are more creative than before they had gone for the walk. Walking outside with a happy friend or a family member also makes you forget things that once bothered you.
Hope for goodness from Allah
Although it may seem that your unhappiness is eternal, it will soon end. Crises are time limited. I am sure that you have heard the phrase that there is “light at the end of the tunnel.” Solutions are found, feelings change, unexpected positive events occur.
Communicate with your parents
Lastly, you mentioned that you cannot be yourself around your parents. What do you mean by this? Is there a reason behind this? Are they overly strict? Overly stressed?
Build a relationship with them by discussing your life with them. Perhaps they are overly stressed given the house circumstances and do not see what it is that you are lacking.
I am certain that if you approach them maturely, and start by simple talk related to your university, and gradually talking about the stress you feel at home, you will be surprised that they can potentially open up.
salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.