My parents divorced two years ago, and I and my younger sister still live with my family members from my father’s side (grandma, aunt, uncle). Last year, my father stopped following Islam.
When he got free from my mother, he started going out late at night and has begun to lose interest in praying.
For a year, he was meeting a Christian woman whom he finally married a few months ago. My whole family is against what he has been doing with his life and continuously tries to call him back to Islam, but he doesn’t listen.
I also took him to an imam two years ago who does counseling, but he wasn’t really good as it seemed he encouraged my father to keep on doing what he was doing. He didn't tell my father to fear Allah; he just told me to leave him alone and concentrate on doing good deeds.
Also, my father kept bringing his new wife to our home, but soon my family stopped him doing that.
Now, my father lives with her somewhere and doesn't tell anything about him. He has a good job, thus, he is the only one supporting us. He visits us or calls us on the phone only once a week. Alhamdulillah, I like living with my family, but everyone is very upset with my dad.
When he shows up, we try to remind him how he has been ruining his life, but he gets angry.
I sometimes feel I want to look for a husband who would take care of me, but the only problem is that I am still at college.
What shall I do with my father? And shall I really get married?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Recognize that each individual has his/her own journey with God.
• It is important not to give up in regards to calling him back to the path of Islam using wisdom. If we are to be judgmental and critical, this will only be used by satanic energies to fuel his distaste towards Islam.
• Although getting married comes with a different kind of masculine energy in your husband, being aware of the need for a healthy masculine presence can help you to not make a bad decision.
As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
Firstly, it is important to recognize that each individual has his/her own journey with God (swt).
Each and every individual is responsible before Allah (swt), and our parents are humans as well with their own flaws and growing edges.
You must recognize that your father makes his own choices and will be accountable for his actions just as much as you.
If your father chooses not to practice Islam, it is ultimately his choice, as we know:
“There shall be no compulsion in [acceptance of] the religion. The right course has become clear from the wrong. So whoever disbelieves in Taghut and believes in Allah has grasped the most trustworthy handhold with no break in it. And Allah is Hearing and Knowing.” (Qur’an 2:256)
Your father is married to this new woman, thus, he does not commit sin in regards to illicit relations.
However, I do understand you and your family’s concern for his spiritual well-being. It is important not to give up in regards to calling him back to the path of Islam using wisdom.
If we are to be judgmental and critical, this will only be used by satanic energies to fuel his distaste towards Islam.
One of the biggest turn-offs people feel around religious folk is the attitude of being self-righteous.
Secondly, it is natural to feel that getting married might help your situation. The father represents the masculine energy in one’s life, so if that energy is distant or unhealthy in one’s life, we look to compensate it somehow.
As a female, you may feel that getting married is the solution or best way to cope with the unfulfilled feeling that your father (masculine energy) is not fully present.
Although getting married comes with a different kind of masculine energy in your husband, being aware of the need for a healthy masculine presence can help you to not make a bad decision.
Sometimes, we choose to marry someone who represents similar traits as the parent we feel a lack of connection to.
This is one of the ways our psyche’s try to compensate for the lack of that parent in our lives.
If your father and you do not get along, you feel bad and may look for someone like him to fill the void and try to feel good again.
Check out this video counseling:
Alhamdulillah, you have a family with you who can support you during this transition.
I encourage you to focus on your school, make good friendships, and, of course, stay firm in your relationship with Allah (swt).
All rough phases in life get better with time and staying productive in addition to being grateful.
Although there may be a hundred things bothering us, there is always a thousand things that are great and we should have gratitude to the Divine (swt).
“And He gave you from all you asked of Him. And if you should count the favor of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, mankind is [generally] most unjust and ungrateful.” (Qur’an 14:34)
Things could always be worse, sister, and a divorce, although difficult indeed, is still a lightweight experience compared to some of our brothers and sisters in the ummah. May God (swt) give us all ease and patience during our hardships, Amin.
Salam,
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