I never ever want to do this, but I feel like this is out of my control and I hate myself for it. I feel that I have become even more grumpy and I don’t know what to do as I know how important the status of a mother is. I am so scared of this; I have repented and made duaa but nothing seems to work. I want to change, and I don’t know what I should do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
•Be confident that Allah is hearing you and He will answer you du’aas.
•Keep track of your emotions and try to identify any triggers to your angry outbursts.
•Avoid topics that make you angry.
•Do something nice for your mother to show her your appreciation, likewise with your husband.
•Don’t be shy to openly apologize to your mother and seek her forgiveness as well as Allah’s.
Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,
Masha Allah, you have taken the best first step in overcoming this difficulty with anger that you are currently facing.
Admitting that you have a problem and stepping up for help is a good sign that you are ready and willing to try to make the necessary changes to improve. This puts you on the right path towards success in overcoming this issue, inshAllah.
As much as it seems like nothing seems to work, be confident that Allah is hearing you and He will answer you du’aas at the best of times when it is right for you. Never give up on this and continue to turn to Allah every day and He will see you through this successfully.
Aside from du’aa, there are things you can do yourself both psychologically and physically to help yourself.
Keep Track of Your Emotions
You mention that you feel it is out of your control and this is the kind of mindset that allows it to take over you and control you. Instead, you need to take that control back by not allowing these feelings of anger
to overcome you. A good way to begin is to keep track of your emotions and try to identify any triggers to your angry outbursts.
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You can do so by keeping a diary, or a written record of the days and times that you feel angry. Also note what was happening at the time and how you responded to the situation.
After a week or so, look back through these notes and try to identify if there is any particular thing or time that brings out such negative emotions in you. This will help you find ways to manage this recurring situation when it arises.
How Can You Respond in a Better Way?
After you have identified exactly what it is that sets off your outbursts, think about alternative ways you could have handled each situation. Try these alternative options out when you experience your triggers again.
It may take a bit of time as some techniques may not work for you, or for certain situations, but eventually, with patience, you will find something that works. Since it has been something that has been going on for some time, this will likely take some time to change, bit with patience is possible, inshAllah.
For example, if you notice yourself feeling like you will say a bad word to your mother, try walking away and taking some space for a few minutes before going back to her calmly.
You could follow the Sunnah at this point and make ablution or sit/lie down. Taking a deep breath is often a good way to take a quick pause and avoid saying words that come to the tongue in the moment.
Avoid Topics That Make You Angry
These things also help to restore the body’s natural physiological valance and reduces the level of arousal that is associated with the negative behaviors exhibited when feeling angry.
Or, if a certain topic of conversation makes you feel angry, then avoid this topic and change it as soon as the topic begins to arise before you get deep into a conversation on it.
These types of techniques could help you deal with your husband when he is having an angry outburst too. For him, being around
someone who is calm may help to reduce his level is anger too. However, if his anger becomes a problem you should encourage him to seek help for this.
Work On Your Relationships
Additionally, aside from working on your angry responses try to work on your relationships too. Do something nice for or with your mother to show her your appreciation, likewise with your husband.
Also, don’t be shy to openly apologize to your mother and seek her forgiveness as well as Allah’s.
This way she will not take your comments as hard when she comes to understand that you didn’t mean them. Let her know that you are trying to change and she will be better placed to support you.
May Allah forgive you and guide you in overcoming your difficulties. May He reward your desire to overcome this negative habit and recover.
Amen,
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