My family and I are very concerned about my younger brother who is 21 years old. He has been anti-social since he was little. He has no friends and very little human contact other than what little interaction he has with us at home.
In elementary school, again he had very few friends; he was in a special education class because he was a bit slower, and he lacked confidence so much that he had suicidal thoughts when he was 10 years old.
Now, he is in his 3rd year of university in a business program. We recently found out he has been put on academic probation for 1 year because of his unsatisfactory marks.
He lied to us for 6 months pretending to go to school because he took very difficult biology and chemistry courses which I had advised him not to take as they aren't part of his program anyway.
For the last 2 years, he has confined himself in his room with his laptop. He doesn't go to school, he doesn't have a part-time job; he doesn't leave his room at all unless it is to go to the washroom or eat.
He doesn't eat with us anymore, he doesn't pray or read Quran anymore; he gets irritated when we try to talk to him or ask him what is going on in his life.
He has become very rude and disrespectful, even with our mother. He has always been very conscious of his health, always eating healthy and exercising. But recently, I had to take him for a colonoscopy because he has not been eating properly for 6 months.
The only reason he told us about the colonoscopy was that the doctor ordered someone be there with him after the procedure, otherwise he wouldn't have told us.
After his colonoscopy, he revealed to me that he has anxiety and frequently experiences anxiety attacks and is taking medication for it. I feel like he is drifting away from Islam more and more as well.
He hates taking advice from his family or hearing any opinions from us. I've recommended talking to a counselor, but he doesn't even consider it.
We try to be as patient as possible with him so that he opens up, but it is extremely difficult given his rude and disrespectful behavior with us. I don't know what else to do besides pray.
Our entire family is worried and frustrated at the same time. Whatever advice you have would be greatly appreciated.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• He appears to have the features of Avoidant Personality Disorder. This includes symptoms such as extreme reactions to criticism, self-imposed isolation, emotional distancing, social anxiety, among other features.
• Begin to look at the family dynamics when he was growing up. Examine if there were any traumatic events or severe criticism from either of your parents which may have occurred while he was young.
• What he needs now is unconditional love and to know he is accepted. In sha’ Allah, after a while, perhaps he will begin to trust the family, but we cannot say this for sure.
• I highly recommend a psychiatric intervention.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear of the problems your silent brother has been experiencing. While I cannot diagnose him, he appears to have the features of Avoidant Personality Disorder. It includes symptoms such as extreme reactions to criticism, self-imposed isolation, emotional distancing, social anxiety, among other features.
People with Avoidant Personality Disorder do not trust others, have a deep sense of self-loathing/hate, and feel inadequate. It can happen due to childhood emotional neglect, an inherited disposition as well as rejection by classmates or peers.
As you indicated, it has been a long-standing issue since childhood. As his problems did start in childhood, with suicidal ideation at age 10, I am wondering if you took him to a specialist or doctor when he was young to find out what was wrong. If so, do you have any of his medical records? Did he receive a diagnosis or did anyone state he had a disorder?
Get a Diagnosis
These things would be important to know to prevent a progression of any psychological disorder. As he is now grown and in a university taking biology and chemistry, he does not seem to have an intellectual deficit. He fails his classes because of his lack of social skills and being uncomfortable around other people, as it was when he was younger.
I would suggest that you begin to look at the family dynamics when he was growing up. Examine if there were any traumatic events or severe criticism from either of your parents which may have occurred while he was young.
These may have caused such a deep depression and withdrawal in a child. We may not be able to go back in time and change things. However, it may in sha’ Allah help understand why he was isolated and depressed as a child, and now as an adult.
Look at what has been going on since he was a child. Think back to when he was young.
Suicidal Ideation
Children who have suicidal ideation is more common than once thought. It is more common in male children. These children were very intelligent, socially isolated, aggressive, suspicious, physically precocious, and highly vulnerable to criticism. In addition, child suicide completers displayed antisocial behavior and problems in school.
Mothers of these children tended to have psychiatric problems themselves. Risk factors include previous suicide attempts, the presence of psychiatric disorders and psychopathology, preoccupation with death, and family history of psychopathology and suicidal behavior. Environmental/contextual and demographic factors also play a role in childhood suicidality.
Other factors such as bullying at school, abuse, attachment to a parent who is psychologically unstable and internalization may contribute to the problem. As a result, the child becomes depressed and expresses suicidal ideation.
I chose to cover this briefly as his current issues appear to stem from childhood. Possibly, to no one’s fault, they were not addressed.
His adult behaviors are just an extension of his childhood behaviors, only now you may feel the urgency to help him as you see an increase in odd behaviors. He is now an adult and certain things are expected from adults, which he is not capable of fulfilling.
As he is still isolating himself, he still has no friends. Additionally, he is now rude and disrespectful. I highly recommend a psychiatric intervention as he appears to be “the silent one, ready to explode”.
He seems to have great anger towards the family for some reason. He rejects any interaction and gets angry when you try to help him or offer the conversation.
Additionally, as he took classes he was interested in (biology and chemistry). This illustrates his desire to succeed at something he was interested in. Sadly, due to his long history of isolation and probable lack of social skills, he was unable to cope with the environment and failed.
Social Anxiety
This only served to reinforce his feelings of self-loathing. He feels like a failure, and fear of criticism from family and others. Hence, his lies about his educational status and his current retreat to almost total isolation.
Your brother is silent probably because he has been holding in hurt and anger since a child. His further isolation and anger are troubling, as is his history of suicidal ideation.
While you stated he refuses therapy or any counseling, he may be getting it secretly as you also stated you recently found out he was on medication for an anxiety disorder.
While he may have generalized when he stated he has social anxiety, I feel there is something much deeper going on with him. As he will not confide in you, his family, there is no way to know if there is a deeper psychosis going.
I highly suggest going to family therapy as he will not engage at this point. A therapist can help you develop skills as a family and learn how to help your silent brother.
Check out this counseling video:
Additionally, once the therapist has knowledge of all your brother’s silent behaviors, he/she can determine if your brother is a risk to himself or others. Then he/she can take the appropriate needed steps to intervene.
Mental Illness
In the meantime, try not to be critical of him, nor pressure him. Be kind and understanding of his situation and his fragile sense of self. Offer to engage with him (i.e. dinner, a movie, prayer, family outings etc.), but do not pressure him.
What he needs now is unconditional love and to know he is accepted. In sha’ Allah, after a while, perhaps he will begin to trust the family, but we cannot say this for sure.
As far as his drifting away from Islam, our scholar states that: “Those who sufferers from mental illness should not fall prey to the pangs of conscience or suffer self-reproach.
They should fully believe that it is Almighty Allah (swt) who afflicted them with such a disease. It is He (swt) who can remove such harm and lift such adversity. Allah (swt) will not hold them accountable during their sickness for the same as that which He (swt) will hold the healthy people accountable for.
Please seek clinical family intervention as soon as possible. Keep in prayer, make du’aa’ for your silent brother and know that Allah (swt) is Most Merciful and does hear our prayers.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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