My Bad Relationship with Mom

05 December, 2016
Q As-Salamu Alaykum, I need some advice on the problems I'm facing right now. Currently, I'm having a bad relationship with my mother. To be honest, I'm not an obedient daughter. My mother says that I always hurt her feelings by the things I say. Sometimes, I just don't realize what comes out of my mouth, and then suddenly she starts shouting at me saying that she is tired of tolerating me. I have to admit that I have a big ego. When she becomes mad at me, I usually keep quiet and not shout back, but I rebel silently. I don't know why this happens to me. She said that I'm annoying her and I should speak more softly. After every fight, I hate her more and more. Even though I know that it is my fault that I can't be more tolerant with her, I'm also tired of hearing her nag. I'm mad at Allah as well; why can't I please her better? Why am I created if the only thing I hear every day is my mum saying how she can't handle me anymore, how useless I am and how I am the cause of her stress. I admit that she tries tolerating me, tries to be nice with me, but this ego I have prevents me from being nice to her, so I answer her questions rudely. Since I was little, I'm not so close to my mother. I don't share my problems with her, and we don't have that mother-daughter relationship like others have. She said that she feels like she's a maid when I don't put my mug in the sink or I don't clean my room, and that I purposely annoy her, when I actually don't. At that time, I'm just lazy. Whatever she says is not helping me; it doesn't soften my heart at all. Another problem of mine is that when I'm stressed, I don't pray. I don't know why, but after praying and asking for Allah's forgiveness, a few days later, I repeat the same mistakes. Therefore, I want to ask: can a rude, disobedient, and annoying daughter like me, who makes her mother cry, be forgiven by Allah? Do I even have the slightest chance to be forgiven?

Answer

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,

Firstly, let me reassure you that Allah (saw) is the all Forgiving and loves to forgive so these is certainly hope. You must ensure, however, that you repent to Allah (saw) and repent sincerely. Simply asking for forgiveness is not enough and it is not necessarily done with sincerity. To truly desire Allah’s (swt) forgiveness, after asking for His forgiveness, you also need to do all you can to prevent the same from happening again. It certainly seems that you realise your behaviour towards your mother is not ok and that is a good sign that you want to change. But you now need to do all you can to try and tame your disobedience and rudeness towards her.

You say that a problem you have is that after asking forgiveness within a few days, you’re doing the same again. One way to avoid this is to increase your acts of worship in order that you keep Allah (swt) in mind all the time. Letting Allah (swt) slip from your mind gives space for Shaytan and bad ways. Certainly, you could increase the amount of voluntary prayers you offer, study Islam, read Qur’an, fast and make dhikr. But you can do even smaller things like memorising and saying the correct du’aa’ before everything you do in your day, or even saying bismillah before you eat.

This will serve to ensure that you are always conscious of Allah (swt). The more conscious you are of Allah (swt), the less likely you are to say bad things to your mother. This is in remembering that Allah (swt) has obliged us to be kind and respectful to our parents, obeying them unless they tell us to do something haram. Remember, all the pains your mother has gone through right from carrying you in her womb for 9 months to raising you and enduring your rude comments to her, yet she still stands by your side and supports you.

It may be that the weak mother-daughter relationship between the two of you is why you are finding it so easy to disrespect your mother. If the mother-daughter relationship has never been that strong, then this will make overcoming these difficulties even more difficult. But it is still possible to build this relationship, even at this stage.

Organise time together, work on something together, even if it’s just something as simple as cooking a meal together. Working towards the same goal will encourage collaborative working and strengthen ties. It may feel awkward at first, but you need to push through this and persevere and, in sha’ Allah, the relationship will soon begin to blossom. As the relationship grows you will come to have more respect for her. In this specific case, for example, if you cook together and clean up after, you will come to have an appreciation for the hard work that she does on a daily basis that you will never appreciate if you don’t do it for yourself and realise what a challenge it really is. This, for example, will help you to understand and see from her perspective why she gets mad at you for some seemingly small reason like putting a dirty cup in the sink. Appreciating her role will grow your own respect for her, but also let her know that you care and support her, too. Therefore, she might be less inclined to get frustrated with you too.

May Allah (swt) bring love and respect between you and your mother and bring happiness into your household.

Salam,

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)