I have a serious concern that has been bothering me.
I have a Muslim friend who chats with boys (in a dating kind of way). I warned her at the beginning but she fell into that temptation then I just let her do whatever she wants.
Sometimes I would use a neutral tone, other times a positive one but I feel really guilty because I am afraid that me smiling and being positive about the issue encouraged her. But then my best friend started to change.
Her mom found out about it but she still went back to him ever since she lies as if it is halal. She concerns herself with him too much to the point she is claiming her parents are toxic.
She is willing to admit she was doing wrong and would improve herself to be an amazing wife (the prophet once said,excuse me if I am wrong,that the most beautiful love is that which ends with marriage.) That is true but she is justifying dating by that!
She never admits that she is wrong with her parents. Like she once called me crying, I told her have you tried to apologize and ask why they treat you that way. She simply said I am never wrong they’re toxic.
I know her parents. They are our family's best friends, her mom is sharp but extremely loving. She encourages them to defend themselves and although she doesn’t take mental health seriously, when she saw her daughter really down, she went to ask her if she would like to see a doctor
She has great parents but she chooses to put them in a bad spot so she can justify why she goes to that boy. The boy and her have a strained relationship.
She loves him too much and he doesn’t really invest much so she keeps chasing him. They broke up because he was thinking about another girl.
She jumped to 2 other boys, then her “first'' love came back and she started “dating” both.
I tried to convince her that this is haram. She replied, "now you wanna rub it in I have had enough of people saying that to me."
She asked me for money twice because she wanted to buy him a gift in Valentine's day. Then she asked for more. I blame my weak self and her manipulative one because I gave her...twice. She wanted me to lie to my mother which I did. When she asked how I finished the money the second time I gave a smaller amount.
After that she kept urging me to ask for more but I always just changed the topic ( I am mad I couldn’t say no).
In a nutshell she became hypocritical and deceiving as a sin drags another. She judges others then does the same.
Blames a girl causing the breakup and when she wants information from the girl says well she didn’t know he was with me.
She claims I don’t know love (I don’t date or even like the idea) then comes asking me what to do.
She lied to the last boy about being with the first and blames men for being unfaithful. She became too toxic to me: she never asks how I'm doing.
I told her I had a big exam that I was really worried about, all she could do is like the message then talk about how depressed she is because he isn’t replying.
When she wants to do an activity I encourage her. But when I tell her she says, “wow”or“bravo,” and it doesn’t even sound genuine.
She always wants to seem like a kind person. I honestly started to feel she is the opposite because I see her when she judges and blames and my blood boils when she does that.
When she was asking for money and mom said I couldn’t have more she said I love your mother but she is ruining everything. These are small things but they happen often.
At first I was really extremely influenced by her toxicity and would feel drained whenever I talk with he r(till now I feel nervous and drained but a bit better).
When I am with her (face-to-face) I try to always be cheerful and joke and dance and be silly so she is distracted from the boy and talks less about him.
She took me for granted and I blame myself for that. She is not a totally bad person but her effect on me is a bad and toxic one.
She thinks she is a good person that gives chances,understanding and sees the good in others and considers it before judging but she does that with him only and for the rest of the people she is not that understanding.
What she calls love is destroying and draining her. She is draining me.
I want advice on what to do and how I can help her and if I should try to help. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
We all know how extremely hard it is to choose the correct words and actions when we see a beloved friend or family member doing something that feels bad or illogical to us.
We cannot do more than advising others in the best and more suitable way. It is not our task to save them and change their life.
Instead of her surface behavior, try talking about the relationship with her family.
Try figuring out what she lacks and encourage her with tips on how to fill these needs of her.
Try changing your communication style, be more emphatic, talk to her mother and encourage your friend to seek help from a professional for her depression and negative feelings.
Salam Aleikom dear sister,
We are glad to receive your email. Sending an email to us means you are really concerned about helping your friend. May Allah reward you for your intention and efforts.
We all know how extremely hard it is to choose the correct words and actions when you see a beloved friend or family member doing something that feels bad or illogical to you.
You want to save them, care for them, draw their attention to a possible danger. Yet, they often do not appreciate this. They often ignore what you say or even get offended.
Understanding Human Nature Helps Communicating Better
You need to consider sister, some basic rules of human nature before thinking of advising others.
1, “Every person has their own individual map of the world. “ Everyone sees the world through certain filters and lenses that they have created unconsciously throughout the years. They learned them from their parents, their friends, the society, films, religion…etc.
So it might happen that you see or hear the same thing and you have a completely different understanding of that thing. (Ex. You see your friends parents as caring parents, yet she sees them in a different way based on her years of experience with them.)
This is the reason we cannot really push people to do what we feel logic, or what we believe to be right. Because they might believe or feel otherwise. They might even know that what you say is right, yet they are unable to do so for certain barriers.
(This might happen with Muslims who know premarital relationship is haram, yet due to their feelings, their lack of needs and weak faith, they become part of one.)
I am not talking about right or wrong here: I am talking about the fact that everyone’s reality is different. If we consider this, if we are able to really “ put ourselves in the other’s shoes”, we can communicate more effectively with them.
2, Separate actions from self. Actions do not necessarily represent the characteristic of a person. Your friend might be flirting with men, but it does not mean she is a “bad, dirty girl.” It means there is something that pushes her to do these actions. Most likely she lacks something, maybe self-confidence, maybe loving words from her parents or friends, maybe attention from her father, joy from her sibling and family.
Again, these emotions do not justify her actions, but helps us be more emphatic in our communication, which is more supportive for your friend than criticism and harsh words.
3, At some level all behavior is (or at one time was) “positively intended”.
Someone who hurt you has a reason for that. He might have been wrong or even guilty for the action, but what he or she REALLY intended was good. When the mother shouts at the child because he did something dangerous. Or when you might angrily talk to your friend, but you only do this because you want the good for her- you just communicate it the wrong way.
Check out this counseling video:
How to advise others the correct way
Considering all of these above, let’s analyze your friend’s behavior a bit. You said she
Behaves badly with her parents when they are good.
“She has great parents but she chooses to put them in a bad spot so she can justify why she goes to that boy.”
What do you think as a friend, what does she need in her heart that makes her behave in this way? You see her parents as good ones, but does she really feel happy at home and see her parents through the same lenses as you?
You wrote that her mother is sharp but loving. Also you wrote that your friend was (or still is) depressed. She must have some negative feelings, experiences with her parents. They might not give her enough attention, or not love her the way she wishes to receive love.
(Read more about the 5 languages of love.) She might get too much criticism from them compared to the good, peaceful family times. Consider these possibilities.
She criticizes others a lot.
These people often have a lack of self-esteem, so they compensate. They put down others to feel confident. Here you find a list of the 30 most common reasons people criticize others.
Flirts with other men, has boyfriends.
This might indicate a lack of love as well. A father plays an especially important role in his daughter’s self-esteem and feelings of femininity.
I believe now you got a good picture of what might have been going in your friend’s life. What things might affect her behavior.
This knowledge can help you be more emphatic with her, and change your way of communication with her that you might find more effective with her, inshallah. You might find that if you change your way of advising, you show more empathy, she will hear you and listen to you more.
Empathy
Instead of her surface behavior, try talking about the relationship with her family. Try figuring out what she lacks and encourage her with tips on how to fill these needs of her.
For example, you said your family and her family are good friends. Maybe encourage more family gatherings, or encourage her to engage more with her mother, invite her out to a mother-daughter outing.
It is hard to give advice without knowing what is going on with her exactly, but I believe now you got a good guideline on what else you can try with her.
Judging, being harsh and continuously just reminding her that she has been doing haram will just deepen the gap between you and her.
We can learn a lot from our Prophet (saw) how he talked to other people, his family and friends – according to the person’s characteristics and the situation.
You said her mother is supportive of her going to a psychologist. It would save time and energy if she really did that and sought help from a professional face to face. We have our online counselors as well who can help her figure out what is behind her “toxic behavior” as you described and help her process these negative feelings and experiences in a healthy way.
Don’t Play the Savior’s Role
We need to do our best to help our family, our friends and Muslims brothers and sisters be a good human being, a good Muslim.
However, just as the Prophet (saw)’s role was to deliver the message of Islam, we also cannot do more than advising others in the best and more suitable form. It is not our task to save them and change their life.
But if they turn away – then We have not sent you, [O Muhammad], over them as a guardian; upon you is only [the duty of] notification. And indeed, when We let man taste mercy from us, he rejoices in it; but if evil afflicts him for what his hands have put forth, then indeed, man is ungrateful. (Quran 42:48)
So, consider all I said above. Try changing your communication style, be more emphatic, talk to her mother and encourage your friend to seek help from a professional for her depression and negative feelings.
However, that is all as a friend you can do. If she keeps being toxic to you, save yourself. Sometimes people come to our life for only a period of time to teach something, then we need to leave them and continue growing.
Don’t drain yourself
For the safety of your own mental and spiritual health, sister, please take care of yourself. Surround yourself even starting from now with friends and people who are positive, who remind you of Allah and the beauty of life. Do not scarify yourself for this friend.
Help her, but put yourself and your health as priority. And if leaving her is after all the best choice you feel, do so. Continue praying to her, ask about her from time to time but you might not want to keep a very close relationship with her – and it is totally Ok. Allah will reward you for your efforts and feel peace that you did your part.
May Allah reward you and help you help your friend in a way that does not cause harm to you.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/family-life/youth-4-the-future/the-importance-of-muslim-friends-in-our-lives/
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/islam-not-isolation-seek-good-friends/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/youth-q-a/am-i-too-harsh-if-i-cut-ties-with-bad-friends/