My Regrets Make Me Fear My Future

24 May, 2020
Q Assalamualaikum I hope you are well.

Alhamdulillah I have been praying regularly since last year and also trying to fulfill other religious obligations.

Before that, I never prayed regularly but my struggle with OCD made me search for the truth.

As a result, now I pray 5 times a day and have started to keep a beard. However, sometimes I feel like I have wasted time on useless things.

As a result I compare myself with others who are materially successful.

I think they are the real successful people both in this world and the hereafter. I don’t know but I feel like I could have achieved a lot of things in my life.

This feeling of regret makes me think that I will not have a good life in future.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

If you compare, compare to those who are beneath you.

The majority of people who are successful have actually a long history of failures.

I would advise you to write a list of all the moments in your life when you felt you have achieved something.


Salam Aleikom dear brother,

Thank you for writing to us with your concern.

Mashallah, I was really amazed by your story with OCD and how it has made you become closer to Allah and Islam. May Allah keep you on this path, amen. I hope you share this story with other Muslims as well, because it is inspiring: instead of turning away from Allah due to your difficulty, you have actually come closer to Him!

In your shoes, many many Muslims chose the first way. So brother, although you do not always feel you are successful, you are indeed one of the most successful people on this Earth / you are a faithful Muslim, mashallah who makes efforts to be close to Allah. 

But let me give you some practical tips on how you can get rid of the troubling thoughts you have in regard to feeling successful.

My Regrets Make Me Fear My Future - About Islam

Comparing Ourselves to Others

By nature, we humans compare ourselves to others. This phenomenon even has a name in psychology called the social comparison theory. 

PsychologyToday says “The idea is that individuals determine their own social and personal worth based on how they stack up against others.”

In today’s time when we get access to the  life of millions of peoples through social media, we compare even more. This can be a good thing, or a bad one. 

PsychologyToday states: “People who regularly compare themselves to others may find motivation to improve, but may also experience feelings of deep dissatisfaction, guilt, or remorse.” As you experience it as well. 

Why or when does this comparison make us feel bad?

“When we make the error of only comparing ourselves to paragons of certain traits. For example, many people believe they have a less active social life than others. But when making such comparisons, people tend to compare themselves only to the most social people they know. Understanding this bias can help us make more realistic and motivating comparisons.”

With this knowledge on social comparison theory, look at your life. Do you make the same mistake? What makes you compare yourself to only a few specific people and not compare to others? Can you find people around you who are less successful than you? 

I hope with this deeper understanding in comparison, now you can look at your and others’ success in a more objective and realistic way. 


Check out this counseling video:


Young Adulthood, the time to find your life mission

Brother, you said you feel you wasted your time. You must know that you are not alone with these thoughts. 

I understand it is frustrating, especially as a man. However, what you have been going through is completely normal. 

Young people search for who they are, their values, what they want in life until their mid 20s. The world is open with many opportunities, unlike in the past, so while it is liberating to be able to choose among many things, it can also be frustrating: what to choose? Is this really what I want? Will I be successful in this path? 

You need some self knowledge to know which way is yours and what you really want in your life.

Little who know from young age what they want. The majority of people try something, then switch. They start a collage, then drop out and start something else. Or build up a business, then get bankrupt and start something new. I am sure if you look around yourself, you will find successful people who felt as helpless as you feel now – before they “succeeded.”

If you do not know any, look at the life of some successful people. Google something like “successful people with a tough past”. You will find many great stories. 

Here is one Muslim man whose story is really inspiring. You will love it. 

He also has a great video on success. Watch it!

So, you are not late brother. You are going on your own space. 

If you want to make things faster, you should learn some self-knowledge. It will help you clear things up in regards to thoughts and feelings – which will give you confidence and help you make better life decisions. Inshallah.  

What’s Success Anyway?

Social media makes us believe people are super successful. When in fact they are not. They just try selling this image about themselves. Because who would post about how bad a day they had, how they had a fight, or messed up something. 

The majority of people who are successful have actually a long history of failures.  

There is the following quote from Thomas Edison, America’s greatest inventor. It always helps to remind me when I get the same feelings you described in your message. 

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison 

Be sure brother, there is not a single successful person who hasn’t failed many times – and who does not feel thankful for these failures. Because these failures have made them at the end successful. ☺ 

Success in Islam

Success in Islam is slightly different from what we are used to today. For us as Muslims, our real success is entering Jannah. How do we enter? By doing good deeds – no matter how big or little. While in modern society people appreciate and respect you for “what you have put on the table”, what you have successfully completed.

Allah appreciates your efforts themselves, the process through which you are working towards an end result. He also appreciates that you study, not that you actually pass an exam. Allah appreciates that you work, you are actively helping others, – without caring about whether you have actually finished the project, or achieved something big. 

This fact can really inspire us.

Remember this when these thoughts about not being successful enough comes. Tackle them by telling yourself: “but I am already earning rewards with Allah as I am doing what I can do. That Allah is pleased with me is the ultimate success.”

How else to fight your thoughts of inferiority

If you compare, compare to those who are beneath you.

Allah knows our nature and that we always compare ourselves to others. Therefore He taught us through His prophet how we can protect ourselves:

““Look at those who are beneath you and do not look at those who are above you, for it is more suitable that you should not consider as less the blessing of Allah.” Sunan ibn Majah  https://sunnah.com/urn/1292440

2, Brother, I am sure you have many great successes in life. We just tend to forget them and focus on the negative. (It is also natural, you can read about this, it is called negative bias

I would advise you to write a list of all the moments in your life when you felt you have achieved something. It can be passing an exam, earning your first dollar, doing something that brought a smile on your mother’s face…anything you feel as success.

Do not forget writing down “praying five times a day” and all the other great things you mentioned in your message. I am sure you will have a long list inshallah with all the great success. Just think out of the box. Success is not only in materialistic things.  

I hope this was helpful,

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/muslim-issues/n-america/10-inspiring-muslim-success-stories-2017/

https://aboutislam.net/muslim-issues/n-america/from-struggle-to-success-addressing-mental-health-of-our-muslim-youth/

https://aboutislam.net/muslim-issues/n-america/muslim-student-wins-100000-mechatronics-scholarship/

About Timea Aya Csányi
Timea Aya Csányi is a personal trainer who is specialized in the spine and functional training. She is advocates for gaining self-love and confidence through exercise.She also pursues her BSc. degree in Psychology at Islamic Online University and is one of our counselors at the "Ask the Counselor" section. If you are a Muslimah who seeks spine-friendly online training with a PT, you can reach out to Timea at [email protected]