I’m currently working a very mundane job. It is nothing fancy and I am being paid just above the minimum wage. Therefore, my future does not look too bright and I expect to struggle later in life.
My parents are also very disappointed in me because they expected me to graduate and get a high salary job.
I always feel regret for not trying harder and I know my life is a mess because of my mistakes.
From what I understand, people tend to look for education, wealth, looks and imaan when they are trying to find a partner. I clearly do not have the first two and I am not exactly the best looking guy out there. However, I do consider myself a relatively good Muslim: praying regularly and avoiding haram.
Honestly, I do not see any reason as to why a woman would want to marry me.
I would not be able to give a woman (and potentially children) the life that they deserve because of my economic situation. They would be much better off with someone who can afford to give them that life.
I would be filled with guilt if I could not afford to buy a dress that my wife wanted or a holiday etc. These are common expectations today and I fear that I cannot live up to it.
For these reasons, I am ready to accept that I will probably not end up getting married. I know I will be judged by everyone but I guess it is something I will have to deal with.
Would it be ok to live the rest of my life alone? Of course, not many people want to live this way but I do not see any other outcome.
I just hope it would not be considered a sin on my part because I gave up on marriage.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
If you can’t believe in your own worth, how can you expect someone else to?
Decide on a career path that fits your skills and passions.
Have you ever considered that you studied the wrong major and that is why you dropped out? It is okay to pick a 2-year degree program or a 6-month certification program. You do not need to go to college.
Work on your self-esteem: have a small notebook you keep with you, every time you do something which makes you feel good and was a good action, write it down.
As-Salamu Alaikum Brother,
Thank you for taking the step to write into us.
You believe a woman will not want to marry you because you have low income and dropped out of college.
My dear brother, one thing stands out strongly to me from your question. You keep putting yourself down almost as if you are marketing yourself as unworthy of love. THAT will push a potential wife away faster than your income.
If you can’t believe in your own worth, how can you expect someone else to?
The good news is that you are very young and all of this can be turned around, in sha Allah. If you feel ready to make a commitment and invest in yourself today, not only can you marry, but your parents will be proud and you can wipe away that regret, in sha Allah.
Islam and Marriage
Islam places emphasis on the importance of marriage. It is a halal way to satisfy biological desires and protect you from falling into sin regarding those desires.
Marriage is also a way to grow our families, have companionship and a partner with us to help in life’s struggles. In sha Allah, marriage can also help us in our faith.
There are some who don’t feel they are ready for marriage and prefer to be alone, but that is very different from feeling that a woman would not want you.
You must ask yourself if you want a wife and children one day. What do you want?
School
Let’s assume you would like the possibility of marriage. Even if you are unsure right now it doesn’t hurt to keep that door open. You stated, “I always feel regret for not trying harder and I know my life is a mess because of my mistakes.” When I hear the word regret that tells me you want to make it right.
Have you ever considered that you studied the wrong major and that is why you dropped out?
Many students go into degree programs their parents want, such as engineering and medicine. While those are great programs, you will enjoy school more and be more successful if you study something that interests you.
If you are open to the idea of going back to school, ask yourself a few questions to determine the best degree path. Think carefully on these questions and write down your answers.
What am I passionate about?
What skills and experience do I have?
What would I enjoy doing every day?
Once you have written down your responses, go to the internet and start looking up career fields related to your answers. Write down the careers you see which align with your answers. For example, if you wrote down you are passionate about working with your hands and would enjoy doing every day, then you might consider construction or welding.
Check out this counseling video:
Once you have done your research and written these down, ask yourself another question: How much time am I willing to devote to school?
Not what degree level does mom want me to get. How much time do YOU want to invest?
Once you decide that answer, start looking at the education requirements for the jobs you wrote down. If you don’t want to go beyond 2 years, then cross off any job that requires more than 2 years in school.
You don’t have to get a doctorate or even a 4-year degree. It is okay to pick a 2-year degree program or a 6-month certification program.
Once you are done with this, you should have some jobs listed that fit your preferred timeline and actual interests. Now you can investigate schools offering your preferred program! Once you find a school that fits your needs, enroll! Tell your parents about your decision, they will in sha Allah support and help you.
I promise you many people have dropped out then went back. I personally know someone who dropped out of high school, but they also had regret just as you do. They are now a Vice President of Operations for a large company with two college degrees.
Self-Esteem
We must talk about your self-esteem. You put down your education, your work ethic, and even your looks. You stated, “I do not see any reason as to why a woman would want to marry me”. How about your character, brother?
The fact you are so concerned with being able to provide a comfortable lifestyle for a wife shows me that you have a good heart and care about your wife’s rights. You work right now, that shows you are not lazy. You just had a small issue with college.
You also stated you pray regularly and avoid haram. Mashallah, good job, brother. We like to think all Muslims pray regularly, but it is not the reality. See, you have more qualities than you realize, and I was able to deduce that from a few paragraphs.
Here is a simple and easy self-acknowledgment exercise you can start doing today. in sha Allah, it can help boost your self-esteem.
Have a small notebook you keep with you, every time you do something which makes you feel good and was a good action, write it down.
For example, if you held the door for an elderly woman, helped your mom cook food, cleaned out a dirty area of your home or prayed all 5 prayers on time then write them down.
At the end of the day, read over your notebook and let yourself smile at the good things you did. It is okay to feel good about yourself; it is healthy and you should love yourself.
In school, teachers give us gold stars or smiley faces on good exams. Think of this notebook as your gold star for the day. You can even put gold stars next to the actions you are happiest about!
Du’aa’
Don’t forget to make du’aa’ and reach out to Allah (most revered, most honored) for help and guidance. You are never truly alone and Allah (swt) knows every struggle you are facing.
“And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]”. [Quran 3:159]
Final Thoughts
To summarize, brother, begin with asking yourself if you want to consider marriage one day.
If you want to have that possibility, then decide on a career path that fits your skills and passions.
Once you make that decision, take action to enroll and get your parents involved.
Utilize a self-acknowledgment journal to grow your self-esteem. It will not only help you personally, but it can also make you a more confident and secure husband in sha Allah if you go that route.
If you decide you truly do not want to get married, then I encourage you to still work on everything listed above.
May Allah help you, brother.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.