Years before this one, I told myself I would never ever date due to the way I was brought up. But unfortunately this boy has allowed me to do things I would never see myself doing such as kissing.
It now seems that he wants to do more not just kissing but “grind on” me.
I know this already has gone far and my family would be disappointed if they found out but I don’t know what to do?
I want to do things with him but at the same time I know it’s haram.
I know that god is watching me. I want to be with him but also know I can’t.
Please guide me, peace and blessing upon you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Sister, it is important to understand that growing up encompasses all these phases- and wanting to be sexual comes to us naturally as human beings.
Islam puts a great deal of emphasis on the Believers to control their sexual urges,and the only appropriate way of fulfilling these desires is after marriage.
Understand Your Physical and Emotional Self
Avoid Things That Will Cause Guilt And Regret Later on
Assalam alaykum,
I understand that you are going through a tough phase where you are torn between exploring your sexuality, forming a romantic relationship and at the same time, being aware of your moral values in Islam.
This is definitely a tough phase to be in – not just for you but Muslims (men and women) all across the globe.
Sister, it is important to understand that growing up encompasses all these phases – and wanting to be sexual comes to us naturally as human beings; it’s instinctive and built in us.
Yet, as believers we have to follow through the boundaries set for us by Allah Subhanahu Wa ta’ala.
In the Quran Allah Subhanahu Wata’ala says,
“Do not go near adultery, surely it is an indecency, and an evil way [of fulfilling sexual urge].” (17:32)
Islam puts a great deal of emphasis on the Believers to control their sexual urges,and the only appropriate way of fulfilling these desires is after marriage.
Understand Your Physical and Emotional Self
Being in your early teens, you may be going through a lot of transitions – not just physically but also emotionally.
You may have heightened fears, anxieties and other emotions about the changes that are new to you.
During this phase, individuals are also forming and shaping their identity.
So you may be trying to explore the sense of “Who am I?”
“What do I want in life?” Or on the other hand – if you are not very comfortable about exploring who you are; you may want to understand yourself through others, and the relationships you make with other people.
As a teenager, you are eager to explore the new sensations, feelings and desires that you feel in your body.
However, it is also essential to understand the implications of what you are feeling, and how it will impact you.
Communicate Your Feelings Openly to The Guy
While, in your brief post, I do not know what the situation is.
However, according to my understanding it is possible that you may also feel pressured into crossing the boundaries.
Because of the boy you are in relationship with – it is possible that the guy you are in relationship with, cares little for what you want but is imposing things on you which you are too young for.
From your post, it is apparent that he is the one who actually wants to get involved in sexual things whereas you feel compelled to follow what he wants from you.
As you have mentioned – you are only 14 years old – and I feel it is a very young age to be in any kind of a sexual relationship as it will hinder your ability to focus on who you are and what you want in life.
Communicate these feelings to him. Be open and transparent about your boundaries that you do not want to have any physical relations because it makes you uncomfortable and also, because it is not permissible in Islam.
Check out this counseling video:
Maintain Physical Distance
It is essential that you maintain a physical distance from the guy, as it is difficult to control urges when there is physical proximity.
Avoid going with him alone on any occasion, as it is stated in Hadith – the prophet Muhammad Sallahu Alayhi Wasallam said,
“No man is alone with a woman but the shaytaan is the third one present.”
[Narrated by Ahmad, al-Tirmidhi and al-Haakim; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ ]
Avoid Things That Will Cause Guilt And Regret Later on
Sister, as human beings – Allah SWT has granted us with abilities which He has not granted to other creations.He has given us the power to think and decide. He has given us the power to rule out right from wrong.
So it is essential to decide for yourself the things that are right and better for you over those that might lead to guilt, regret and shame later on.
Having self control and self discipline is important to be able to be successful in this world and in the Hereafter.
Understand Your Desire And Your Fitrah
Sister, we are all born on the Fitrah of Deen.
And as we grow older we get entwined with worldly desires.
This is basically our Nafs, which leads us away from the fitrah of our Deen, which we are inherently born with.
As we grow older and get exposed to the world, our desires start to take over.
It is essential that you are aware of the desires and nafs, so that you are able to keep them in check.
This Life is A Test For Believers
Sister, it is important to understand that life is a test for the Believers.
Allah SWT has sent us in this world as His Creation, to praise and worship Him. We have been prescribed limits and ways to spend our time here in this world. And Allah SWT tests each of us in various ways. In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
“To each of you We have ordained a code of law and a way of life. If Allah had willed, He would have made you one community, but His Will is to test you with what He has given you.
So compete with one another in doing good. To Allah you will all return” [5:48]
In another place He says,
“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?” [29:2]
Allah SWT tests each of His believers in various ways, some with relationships, some with health, and some with financial issues –but the important thing is to have faith and perseverance.
Indeed, Allah SWT rewards His believers in this world and in the Hereafter.
Have Faith in Allah SWT
Allah Subhanahu Wata’ala listens to and sees everyone. He knows and understands the struggles which you are going through in life, no matter how small or how big they may seem to you.
Ask Allah SWT for help and guidance regarding your matters.
Repent to Allah SWT, because He loves His Believers to ask from Him so that He can bestow them and forgive them.
salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read More:
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/youth-q-a/relationship-4/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/5-things-feel-husband-bossy/
