I feel that I am ready for marriage and would like to get married. However, I am not sure who is the right person.
I want to marry young, and I have seen many people getting married early and succeed, both career-wise and in personal lives.
I have seen someone on campus who I "think" would be good. He is interested in also pursuing medicine, is involved in Muslim activities on campus and clubs on campus. I am also part of the exact same things.
However, I have never spoken to him. I do not even know if he is right for me. I have been seeing him on campus since 2013, in classes, clubs, etc. I have never seen him doing things wrong or whatsoever. I know he has taken Tajweed lessons, Tafsir lessons, etc.
However, somewhere in my heart, I feel as though he has seen me, and perhaps has the same feelings? Believe me, I have never, ever spoken to him concerning anything, not been around him, except for a class of 300 people, and have never ever been in a same group of people as him.
But for some reason, I have a feeling that he may be right. I do not know if I should tell my parents about it.
My parents are very conservative and might think bad of me if I say this. I do not know how to proceed. I do not want to be rejected. I want to get married early. M
y parents want me to get married as well, but they are looking for people who are not in the community. I feel that if people are in the community, others can give us a good detailed overview of them rather than finding husbands from overseas, or from a different country. Please, let me know what I should do.
I do know that his sisters, who are friends with my friends, got married at age 28-30. So I think that he may be thinking of getting married around the same age. I do not want to wait that long.
Please, let me know what to do. I am very conservative myself. I have never spoken to guys regarding any matter other than school-related. I give local halaqas and listen to Islamic lectures on a regular basis.
I also observe the hijab very carefully and wear clothing that mimic an abaya. I have seen his mother once, and she wears an abaya as well and attends many islamic lectures.
Because my parents are wanting me to get married, I have started thinking more about him and what I should be doing.
For the past three years, I thought that I was committing a sin by even looking at him and thinking as such, but I have seen other women who proposed to their husbands and lead a religious and a career wise successful lives. Please help me and guide me. May Allah bless you immensely.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• You need to choose to do something beyond fantasying and assuming what could be in your mind. If you can interact with this brother on campus in appropriate settings, this can give you a better sense of who he actually is and give him a chance to know you.
• Turn to your parents for advice, guidance, and support on this matter as they are your guardians.
As-Salaam ‘Alaikum sister,
May Allah guide you towards what is best and help you manifest your intentions to get married, amin. May the following points of feedback offer you insightful clarity and steps to take.
Firstly, I want to point out that you must come to the self-awareness that most of what you shared about this brother is based on your own mind. However, you have no actual evidence or data outside of your assumptions and fantasy of what he may be like.
While I think your feelings about him are valid, you can never truly know unless you take action and have some interaction. I have worked with couples for many years, and I can tell you that one of the biggest contributing factors to future marital issues is when the couple did not have adequate time to know one another.
We always have choices and our choices are opportunities to act or not to act. You need to choose to do something beyond fantasying and assuming what could be in your mind. If you can interact with this brother on campus in appropriate settings, this can give you a better sense of who he actually is and give him a chance to know you. You know he takes classes on religion but that is not equal to someone having good character or a personality that you can realistically spend the rest of your life with.
Being over-conservative, in my opinion, can be unhealthy if we ignore what the Quran guides us with on gender interaction. The rules are simple (1) don’t be alone (2) keep subject and discussions pure and professional (3) protect your private parts. If you observe these three simple rules, you will unlikely fall into any sin.
Check out this counseling video:
There is nothing wrong with you thinking about marriage, sister, and visualizing prospects. It is natural and normal for everyone to consider this major life milestone. I certainly don’t think it should be an issue to turn to your parents for advice, guidance, and support on this matter as they are your guardians. If you can’t turn to them and discuss these prospects openly, then who else can you turn to?
While I understand that each family’s culture is different and, depending on the degree of conservatism, different methods will be applied, I can tell you that more often than not when marriages are rushed because parents don’t let the partners get to know each other enough, it can cause issues down the road.
Secondly, don’t get attached to any particular idea of what age you should be married by. This will only open the door for sadness and let-downs if you don’t meet these specified goals. What you should do is to make the intention, take reasonable action, and trust in God for the best to occur when it is meant to.
May Allah help you,
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