I was in a haram relationship for around 3 years, and now my partner has left me. It’s been 4 months, but I still feel the same amount of pain I felt since he left. A good thing that came out of this is that I turned towards Allah.
I have given my all in Ramadan and continued to do so with a lot of hope. I was constantly indulged in Quran and Islamic videos as my heart found peace in them. However then, everything I feared and prayed not to happen came true, and my duaa’s were not accepted.
I know I should have patience and that I shouldn’t say things like this, but I feel myself losing hope. I barely feel like raising my hands to supplicate anymore. Nothing in my life seems to be working out, whereas he’s having the time of his life with new friends and a new girl.
The worst part is that after everything he’s done, I can’t seem to hate him or let him go. The memories of him are haunting me so much that I have this constant pain in my stomach. There were times when I finally found some happiness, but even then, it didn’t last.
I feel stuck in this empty pit of darkness and I don’t even have that religious motivation that I had at the beginning of the breakup. I tried to keep myself busy with work, but I didn’t get permission from home. So, now I’m stuck at home all day with nothing to do.
What should I do? Also, how is a person allowed to be so happy when he hurt another so much?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• You mustn’t let your past define your future.
• To reach happiness, you need to pursue things that make you happy. Happiness is an internal state; therefore, I advise you to try doing something that brings about happiness and joy from within you.
• I encourage you to find something which you are passionate about and strengthen your relationship with that activity.
• You need to try getting close to Allah through a constant recitation of the Quran and spending time learning about the religion through books and religious videos and channels.
• You need to make new friends, as a new group of people will help you forget about the past.
• Try connecting with people at your local mosque.
Assalaamu Alaikum dear sister.
From your question, you seem to be having a skewed definition of what it means to be happy. From your question, you seem to be the happier one. What goes on in someone’s life is not important for us, especially when it was part of a bad past.
We need to learn to move on. Allah SWT will only remove something for our betterment. Allah SWT wanted to guide you.
Dear sister, there is no happiness in what is not allowed, and what is forbidden will always bring about pain unless we seek forgiveness and take steps to turn towards a more guided future.
The Prophet PBUH said, “The dunya is a prison for the believer and Paradise for the kafir (disbeliever),” [Sahih Muslim, vol.4, #7058]
The Prophet SAW also said, “Be in this world as if you were a stranger or a traveler” (Bukhari)
Therefore, you must try diverting your mind by finding the positive in what happened and leave behind what is gone.
I am truly sorry to hear about the troubles that you are facing in life right now. I am certain that things will change for the better in shaa’ Allah. I know you must have heard this before, but you mustn’t let your past define your future.
You need to control your mind, because it seems from your question that your mind is the one controlling you.
What Is Happiness?
True happiness is found in the remembrance of Allah, in the acknowledgment of His presence, and in the realization of His commands.
You seem to have been doing all of these. Dear sister, the haram and forbidden acts only seem to bring about happiness and pleasure for a little while and then leave us haunted.
However, when we realize the insignificance of the sin and the greatness of Allah, then Allah is the Oft-forgiving.
Realize the Benefit of Your Pain
Dear sister, the pain you are feeling is because your heart is in need of revival. It is yearning for Allah’s pleasure and for Allah’s remembrance. Busy your heart with Allah’s names and read about them all.
When you need to cry, cry to Allah. Dear sister, do not hold your tears in. I can understand the pain you are feeling, but the pain is a blessing as it is directing you away from what is wrong and towards a better place.
To reach happiness, you need to pursue things that make you happy. Happiness is an internal state; therefore, I advise you to try doing something that brings about happiness and joy from within you.
It is often true that when the times are hardest, the work is the most productive and more effort stems with sincerity.
Not only will this activity distract you from focusing on what is going in other people’s lives, it will also help you feel good.
You need to ensure that the activity you are doing is something which you truly like to do. It does NOT have to be productive, but it can be as simple as drawing, reading, watching something entertaining, or anything which helps you sincerely deter your thoughts.
Check out this counseling video:
Contrary to popular belief, you do not need to constantly indulge in studying to achieve great heights.
If you look at great doctors or great lawyers, you will see that what they occupy their spare time with, is something completely on the other side of their work spectrum.
They are either writers, artists, public speakers, teachers, or so on. I encourage you to find something which you are passionate about and strengthen your relationship with that activity.
When you read his book, you will see that it shines light on the most basic human feelings such as sadness, desperation, hopelessness, and failure. If you have time, I advise you to read it.
Find Peace Through Prayer
Allah SWT says in the Quran:
“Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (Quran 13:28)
You need to try getting close to Allah through a constant recitation of the Quran and spending time learning about the religion through books and religious videos and channels.
The Prophet PBUH said:
“I am near to the thought of My servant as he thinks about Me, and I am with him as he remembers Me. And if he remembers Me in his heart, I also remember him in My heart, and if he remembers Me in assembly I remember him in assembly, better than his (remembrance), and if he draws near Me by the span of a palm, I draw near him by the cubit, and if he draws near me by the cubit I draw near him by the space (covered by) two hands. And if he walks towards Me, I rush towards him.” (Sahih Muslim)
Dear sister, please do not find solace in activities which you know are not the best for you. Hard times will come, but that does not mean we have to do what others do to feel happiness.
Allah SWT says in the Quran,
“So, do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.” (Quran 3:139)
Never in the Quran or in the sayings of the Prophet Muhammed PBUH will you find that you are asked to despair, fall into hopelessness, and isolate yourself while constantly thinking about your troubles. Instead, you are asked to see every situation from a positive angle and see growth.
Reach out to Friends
Dear sister, you need to connect with good friends. You need to make new friends, as a new group of people will help you forget about the past.
In addition to your old group of friends, you need to visit a mosque at the time of the prayer or during events and connect with people. Making new connections will free your mind of the old events that are holding you down.
Salam,
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