Q Assalam alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh, I have faced every type of violence in my current marriage and no imam or sheikh wants to either help me or grant me divorce or khula when I have clearly stated I'm unable to give my husband his rights. I can't forgive him for the physical and mental violence he has been using. He almost killed me and my family is okay with the violence (they're non-Muslims).

I rarely had any sexual desires even before reverting to Islam and my question is that this is my second marriage and is it okay if I'll never get married again as keeping myself chaste is not a difficult thing for me to do? Also, I don't know anymore whether I was raped or not, it's as if my mind is playing tricks with me and I'm tired of telling brothers I'd meet with the intention of getting married about my life and what happened to me in my childhood, adulthood and why I'm divorced for the second time, and both the rape and my current marriage has affected me a lot. I seek professional help but it didn't help me at all and I'm not comfortable about discussing my life and thoughts with professionals as they will write everything down and make it visible for those working in the medical field to see, including doctors, nurses, and psychiatrists.

I no longer look forward to remarrying although I'm in my twenties, I will forever be unconsciously ready for the next possible husband to use violence. I don't want to seek professional help.

I also have anger management issues because of the rape and my childhood. Sometimes I would astaghfirullah like to beat my husband severely. I am disgusted by the idea of pregnancy and deserving to have kids or a husband. I've also been suicidal and I made a promise to myself that I'd kill myself when I'd be 25, I know suicide is never an option and that the person will go to jahannam and will be killing himself there the same way he killed himself in this dunya.

I made a dua that I'll never get attached to anything other than Allah subhaana wa ta'alaa in this dunya and I'm starting to doubt if I really love Allah azza wa jal or prophet Mohammad sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam. I believe my dua was answered as I can't connect with my family. I feel that they hate me for being Muslim and see me as a failure. I'm unable to do indirect dawah to them as I feel so disconnected from my family, and it's also really hard for me to have feelings for someone and if I do, they end really fast and I always feel like I should be forever single.

I'm also aware of the hadith that says that prophet Mohammad sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam told the three men that he sleeps at nights, breaks his fast and is married and whoever doesn't get married is not from his ummah and that Muslims should have kids every year so that the prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam will be pleased with us on the Qiyaama. Can I use wanting to gain knowledge and the love for Allah azza wa jal and the prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam I hope to have sincerely in my heart as an excuse for staying single for the rest of my life? I know Islam doesn't root for celebrating, but I seriously have no sexual desires whatsoever.