03 May, 2020
Q
Salam alaykum.
I have been suffering from depression for many years now coupled with anxiety. Six years ago, my anxiety heightened, and suddenly I started having bad thoughts about God.
Feeling my prayers were not accepted, feeling guilty, repeating ghusl up until today, avoiding touching some surfaces for the fear that it would leave me impure or worse, handles such as door handles.
After my OCD started, Ramadan has been a really tough month for me. While others may find joy in its approach (like I used to before), I get anxiety, terrible terrible anxiety.
The thing is, it gets a lot worse during Ramadan. I try so hard to read more of the Quran, do adhkar, wake up for night prayers, try so hard but it's hard.
I want to make use of this month, but with the constant fear of being impure and making ghusl and the thoughts that plague me during worship and so much more, I can't.
Sometimes I feel unworthy of getting close to Allah, because I feel like He's pushing me away.
I really want to get close to Him, I really want Him to heal me, but how can I do that when I'm drowned in my head? I worry so much about whether my prayers are accepted.
My hair won't even grow from the constant almost everyday ghusl I take. Sometimes I make ghusl five times a week or more. You see I try, but I don't know how or what to do.
I tried therapy, medications, nothing. Does this mean God is angry with me? Does this mean He doesn't want me close to Him?
I love my religion, I love it and losing it is the worst thing that can happen to me. Sometimes I get this thoughts about killing myself to save myself i.e to die as a Muslim.
I try sometimes to ignore these thoughts, but severe anxious thoughts come to me like, what if on the day of Qiyamah I find out my whole fasting was not accepted and my prayers were not even accepted because I refused to make ghusl? Or to re-perform ablution? So I have to do it.
Ghusl is hell in itself. Repeating it over and over again because somehow I've managed not to do it perfectly or I get thoughts like touching this or that just made you a junub.
I sometimes just sit on the toilet floor, shower running, hold my pounding head and just cry my eyes out because it's so hard. I can't say it all, because it's quite a lot.
I want to ignore it, but I really want God to accept my prayers. I really just want to be close to Him if He'll allow me. I just don't know how or what to do anymore.
I have been suffering from depression for many years now coupled with anxiety. Six years ago, my anxiety heightened, and suddenly I started having bad thoughts about God.
Feeling my prayers were not accepted, feeling guilty, repeating ghusl up until today, avoiding touching some surfaces for the fear that it would leave me impure or worse, handles such as door handles.
After my OCD started, Ramadan has been a really tough month for me. While others may find joy in its approach (like I used to before), I get anxiety, terrible terrible anxiety.
The thing is, it gets a lot worse during Ramadan. I try so hard to read more of the Quran, do adhkar, wake up for night prayers, try so hard but it's hard.
I want to make use of this month, but with the constant fear of being impure and making ghusl and the thoughts that plague me during worship and so much more, I can't.
Sometimes I feel unworthy of getting close to Allah, because I feel like He's pushing me away.
I really want to get close to Him, I really want Him to heal me, but how can I do that when I'm drowned in my head? I worry so much about whether my prayers are accepted.
My hair won't even grow from the constant almost everyday ghusl I take. Sometimes I make ghusl five times a week or more. You see I try, but I don't know how or what to do.
I tried therapy, medications, nothing. Does this mean God is angry with me? Does this mean He doesn't want me close to Him?
I love my religion, I love it and losing it is the worst thing that can happen to me. Sometimes I get this thoughts about killing myself to save myself i.e to die as a Muslim.
I try sometimes to ignore these thoughts, but severe anxious thoughts come to me like, what if on the day of Qiyamah I find out my whole fasting was not accepted and my prayers were not even accepted because I refused to make ghusl? Or to re-perform ablution? So I have to do it.
Ghusl is hell in itself. Repeating it over and over again because somehow I've managed not to do it perfectly or I get thoughts like touching this or that just made you a junub.
I sometimes just sit on the toilet floor, shower running, hold my pounding head and just cry my eyes out because it's so hard. I can't say it all, because it's quite a lot.
I want to ignore it, but I really want God to accept my prayers. I really just want to be close to Him if He'll allow me. I just don't know how or what to do anymore.
Answer
Assalam alikum,
In this counseling video you will learn:
Know that Allah loves you.
What is causing you distress is a sign of your faith.
What you are experiencing is called waswas.
Allah looks at your intentions.
Seek refuge with Allah in all your acts.
Try to reduce your anxiety by reading the Quran.
Seek counseling.
Watch more:
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.