17 June, 2020
Q
Assalamu alaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
I am writing with a strong hope of guidance to save my marriage. I am married for less than 2 years now and I have a 10-month-old baby girl. My husband and I are going through a lot of disputes. They are mostly caused because of misunderstandings due to some unpleasant situations and people. I am trying to talk to my husband and solve it, but he doesn’t want to talk.
Because of his past experiences, he never trusted me and was scared that I would leave him. I have always tried to comfort him with transparency. We love each other a lot. He has always been good to me and has always tried his best to gain my trust with his actions.
At the same time, he tests me always and I have to prove myself to him again and again. His insecurities made me argue with him when I was unable to convince him. He always sticks to his arguments and never accepts his mistakes.
I am now living at my parents' house and he doesn't want to talk to me. The situation has now gone worse and he doesn’t want to solve our problem. I am in India for 4 months and he's in UK. During this time, his mother has said many things against me. It has taken him further away from me. I don't even know what has been said to him, but, he mentioned some things that are enough to break a relationship.
He thinks I have mistreated his mother and his family that is not true. In fact, I was treated differently by his mother, but I never mentioned it to him. I always thought it wouldn't matter and once I get back to him and he will trust me. Unfortunately, he still doesn’t trust me and believed everything what was spoken to him and left me.
He now says that he doesn't love or trust me anymore. He doesn't consider me his wife emotionally. He also wants me to stay with his family until I gain his trust back. Afterward, he will reconsider whether to live with me or not.
I am really confused. I love him a lot and want to do anything to go back to him, but I want someone to guide me in practical terms. Should I stay with a person with whom I need to prove myself again and again even if am not wrong? Should I think of spending my life with someone who believes in everyone but me?
His negative thinking has always caused disputes between us. He builds things out of nothing and starts arguing. He loses his temper when he's angry. When I am unable to convince him, I also shout back. I am seeking forgiveness for my every wrong behavior. I don't want my baby to get affected because of all these fights and arguments.
Please advise me on what should I do next. Should I go back to him? Please guide me in the light of Quran and Sunnah and also fom the social and practical aspects.
I am writing with a strong hope of guidance to save my marriage. I am married for less than 2 years now and I have a 10-month-old baby girl. My husband and I are going through a lot of disputes. They are mostly caused because of misunderstandings due to some unpleasant situations and people. I am trying to talk to my husband and solve it, but he doesn’t want to talk.
Because of his past experiences, he never trusted me and was scared that I would leave him. I have always tried to comfort him with transparency. We love each other a lot. He has always been good to me and has always tried his best to gain my trust with his actions.
At the same time, he tests me always and I have to prove myself to him again and again. His insecurities made me argue with him when I was unable to convince him. He always sticks to his arguments and never accepts his mistakes.
I am now living at my parents' house and he doesn't want to talk to me. The situation has now gone worse and he doesn’t want to solve our problem. I am in India for 4 months and he's in UK. During this time, his mother has said many things against me. It has taken him further away from me. I don't even know what has been said to him, but, he mentioned some things that are enough to break a relationship.
He thinks I have mistreated his mother and his family that is not true. In fact, I was treated differently by his mother, but I never mentioned it to him. I always thought it wouldn't matter and once I get back to him and he will trust me. Unfortunately, he still doesn’t trust me and believed everything what was spoken to him and left me.
He now says that he doesn't love or trust me anymore. He doesn't consider me his wife emotionally. He also wants me to stay with his family until I gain his trust back. Afterward, he will reconsider whether to live with me or not.
I am really confused. I love him a lot and want to do anything to go back to him, but I want someone to guide me in practical terms. Should I stay with a person with whom I need to prove myself again and again even if am not wrong? Should I think of spending my life with someone who believes in everyone but me?
His negative thinking has always caused disputes between us. He builds things out of nothing and starts arguing. He loses his temper when he's angry. When I am unable to convince him, I also shout back. I am seeking forgiveness for my every wrong behavior. I don't want my baby to get affected because of all these fights and arguments.
Please advise me on what should I do next. Should I go back to him? Please guide me in the light of Quran and Sunnah and also fom the social and practical aspects.
Answer
Salam Alaikum,
In this counseling video, you will learn:
It is not your job to change your behavior to comfort his own insecurity problems. If you do so, by time, you would be less and less of your self.
Instead, what I would invite you to do is accepting that he is an insecure person. Someone violated his trust in the past and he continues to live with these traumas.
Don’t defend or explain behavior; simply just tell him “I know you are worried that I would leave you, but I am here. I married you and want to live with you.” You have the opportunity to be the healing force to him.