Answer
In this counseling answer:
“I recommend that you sit down and talk to her about the whole situation. Tell her how you feel about it all. Tell her that you are hurt and disappointed by what she has done. I think it is lack of communication between you both. It is important that you talk to her and ask her why she did what she did.”
As Salaam ‘Aleikom,
Thank you for writing to us about your concern.
I am sorry to hear about the situation with your mother. I can understand how upsetting it can be to be lied to by the person you are supposed to trust the most in life. It sounds like you have a lot of patience in you, and you are seeking for advice before you confront with her. It shows how a wonderful daughter you are, ma sha’ Allah.
According to what you wrote to us, it seems your mom cannot be trusted as she does fraud for money. This is the hardest behavior for a daughter to cope with because she does not know if the mother is telling the truth or lie. No mother should do this to her child.
Do not be upset, sister. You are strong. It is sometimes ok to just let out the frustration and ask the right questions. If you feel you have to ask her about what she has done behind your back, I think you should do that in a respectful and well-mannered way. You are not only doing it because it is upsetting you, but also because you have a financial responsibility for your children. Your mother is not helping the situation by playing up with your money.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with asking her about the fraud. She has to know what she is doing is wrong and it can not be continued. Sometimes parents do things and they don’t realize that it can hurt their children. However, they have to be told when they are not right. After all, they are humans and make mistakes.
She is your mother and you should always respect and love her. She is the one who was there for you when you were a baby and was helpless. She fed you, held you, gave you comfort, and loved you the most. I am sure she still loves you. However, sometimes money can make a person greedy and selfish, and make one do silly things.
A mother has huge respect for Islam. Allah has valued her a lot. The Messenger of Allah used to remind his followers the status of the mother. Here a good example to show:
A man came to the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allah! Who from amongst mankind warrants the best companionship from me?” He (peace and blessings be upon him) replied: “Your mother.” The man asked: “Then who?” So he (peace and blessings be upon him) replied: “Your mother.” The man then asked: “Then who?” So the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) replied again: “Your mother.” The man then asked: “Then who?” So he replied: “Then your father.”(Sahîh Bukhârî 5971 and Sahîh Muslim 7/2)
You might think that she is a negative person in your life at the moment. However, she is a blessing, and you should be happy to have her in your life.
I recommend that you sit down and talk to her about the whole situation. Tell her how you feel about it all. Tell her that you are hurt and disappointed by what she has done. I think it is lack of communication between you both. It is important that you talk to her and ask her why she did what she did. Ask her to tell you whenever she needs something she can tell you and that you can buy for her. Maybe she thinks that you do not want to give her money and for that reason, she is stealing from you.
She is your mother, so you have to be honest with her about how tough it is to manage five children financially all by yourself without a husband.
Do not show aggression or disrespect in your voice. Just try to be calm and try to show her that you care about her and want her to be with you. Parents want their children’s love. When they reach a certain age, they become a little childish in their behavior too.
Do not ignore the fraud she did as it will not get any better if you do so. Rather, talk to her and try to understand the issue from her point of view too. Ask her what she needs so much money for. What is it she wants for your money?
Ask yourself also if you have neglected her in any way at all when she asked you for something. I am not saying that you should provide her with everything she points at as it can be hard for you when you have responsibility for your children as well. However, at least try to do the best you can. I am sure she will be more honest with you once you both listen to each other. Make time for each other and show her that you feel upset when she lies to you. No mother wants to hurt her child.
May Allah make your relationship with your mother better and ease your tension.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
