The major problem is that I am struggling with infertility. Something I never thought I’d ever have to face. My husband is amazing through this. But this is eating me alive.
Every week there is a new problem; family drama, money issues, work issues that life throws at me and I am just like why. Why am I going through all this? It’s never going to end. I am losing hope in everything.
Everyone tells me to trust Allah. Allah knows best. Don’t worry. And that makes me feel even worse and sad.
In my life even before I’ve become a Muslim, I always had the worst luck in life. I was a good person. I am a good Muslim. Well, at least I try to be.
Now I am just a miserable person who doesn’t know what to do, where to go. What to say. I’m lost. I’m sad. I’m broken into a million pieces. Please, help.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Happiness is not possessing all that the heart wants. Because the heart will never be satisfied. It is rather feeling satisfied with what you have.
• People who list more blessing every day were less likely to feel sad, unhappy or even overwhelmed when faced with an obstacle in life or sad news or any difficulty.
• “Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe,” without being put to the test?” (Quran 29:2)
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in us. I am sorry to hear of all the troubles that you are going through. I want you to internalize that everyone, every single person on this planet of 7.6 billion people are going through issues that make their lives less than perfect. I can understand that infertility is hard and painful, but always remember that Allah is closer than you think.
Allah SWT says in the Quran,
And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein. (Quran 50: 16)
Perfection = Jannah and Imperfection = this Life
This world, this life, is not meant to be perfect. Perfection is a characteristic of the life which comes after this one. It is the characteristic of Jannah. The burden in your heart will disappear if you realize that everything we go through in this life, perfect or imperfect is temporary and bound to end.
In the Quran, Allah SWT states:
And this worldly life is not but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the Hereafter – that is the [eternal] life, if only they knew. (Quran 29: 64)
Dear sister, this verse specifically mentions that the temporary nature of this life. Allah SWT made a point in the Quran that we are constantly distracted by the glitter of this world. But I want you to remember the old proverb: “All that glitters is not gold.” (Shakespeare) This saying means that NOT everything which seems to be good is true to its face value.
What is happiness?
In life, we can define many things, but I personally believe that happiness is one word we cannot put in words or measure it or scale it relatively.
The Oxford dictionary defines it as:
Definition of happy – feeling or showing pleasure or contentment, fortunate and convenient, inclined to use a specified thing excessively or at random.
Therefore, dear sister, happiness is not possessing all that the heart wants. Because the heart will never be satisfied. It is rather feeling satisfied with what you have.
Prophet Muhammed SAW used to supplicate often, and this is one of his most recited supplications,
The Prophet [SAW] used to seek refuge (with Allah) from four things: From knowledge that is of no benefit, from a heart that does not feel humble, from a supplication that is not heard, and a soul that is never satisfied. (Sunan an-Nasa’i)
This makes it clear that dating as back as more than 1400 years ago, there was lack of contentment, although the world wasn’t as materialistically driven as it is today, there was still the prevalence of “unhappiness”.
Patience: the ingredient of happiness
When happy days come, we must be thankful, and when hard days come, we must be patient.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
Except for those who are patient and do righteous deeds; those will have forgiveness and great reward. (Quran 11: 11)
It is the trick of the devil to detract us from the right path of faith and eternal bliss. When we feel unhappy and hopeless and lose patience when bad times are dawning, it is easy for us to lose faith and lose sight of what is important. It is easy to be distracted and not prioritize what is important. In such circumstances, it is human nature to become
Gratitude: the second main ingredient of happiness
In a study done by Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, it was concluded that people who list more blessing every day, were less likely to feel sad, unhappy or even overwhelmed when faced with an obstacle in life or sad news or any difficulty. Neuroscience holds similar study results.
Check out this counseling video:
Another more significant practice which leads to feeling more satisfied and content is the act of listing all the hardships, struggles and trauma like events that you have gone through, and remembering how you overcame each one of them.
Robert Emmons:
“It works this way: Think of the worst times in your life, your sorrows, your losses, your sadness—and then remember that here you are, able to remember them, that you made it through the worst times of your life, you got through the trauma, you got through the trial, you endured the temptation, you survived the bad relationship, you’re making your way out of the dark. Remember the bad things, then look to see where you are now.”
Journal: your best friend
Writing down your thoughts and vocalizing them is a means to relieve yourself of the stress that builds up inside. Everyone has thoughts which are hard to tolerate. Not everyone is as happy as they seem. Their happiness stems from their ability to see past the imperfections. From your question, I can tell that you have a lot to be happy for as well.
You mentioned your husband has been a great source of support. Cherish his support. Dear sister, there are many women who are scared, anxious and depressed as a result of unsupportive, emotionally absent, or downright unacceptable character traits of their husbands.
You mentioned that there are family members and friends who remind you to trust Allah and be grateful and remember that everything happens for the best. Cherish the company of such people. in many circumstances, when couples are facing infertility others are there to insult, demean, or even try to separate couples.
You also mentioned that there is a lot that you can be happy for, which is something that a lot of people overlook and feel depressed consequently. Why not replace sadness with images of the blessings you have?
Read upon the lives of Prophet Zachariah, and Prophet Ayub, and Prophet Muhammed SAW
Dear sister, although Zachariah AS and Ayub AS were prophets of Allah SWT they were tested in ways which we cannot even imagine. Prophet Ayub AS was tested with regards to his wealth, children, health, and respect, losing everything but never losing his faith in Allah SWT. Learn about him here.
And Prophet Zachariah AS was tested with infertility. He was constantly shedding tears of unhappiness and sadness when as him and his wife had reached old age and were not blessed with any child. But, although he was at such an old age, he continued to supplicate, and call for Help from Allah, and one day his call was answered.
However, tested also was Prophet Muhammed. In fact, watching the poverty and hardships of Prophet Muhammed SAW is what made the people who denied faith question the existence of Allah. They specially made a point that if Allah SWT had existed, why would He make the Prophet SAW undergo hardships when Allah SWT is “supposedly” omnipotent and All-Powerful? This is the question of the Shaitan, a devil’s trick to steer us away from the right path.
There is no bad luck. Allah SWT mentions in the Quran that He SWT places humans through hardships for a few reasons:
Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe,” without being put to the test? (Quran 29:2)
We have tested those before them, for God must distinguish those who are truthful, and He must expose the liars. (29:3)
Therefore, dear sister, rest assured that your calls will be answered in ways which are best for you, and you will be blessed for all the hardships and struggles that you are going through.
May Allah bless you with what is best for you.
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