Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,
Thank you for writing to us with your most important concerns and thank you for trusting us. Trust is an important factor when seeking answers, guidance, and comfort as well. It may be that perhaps you have not felt close enough or have not been able to trust enough people in your life to confide in them about the many things you have been pondering and feeling.
I see that our sister from Ask about Islam section answered your question on their Live Session and she did so in a most comprehensive and loving manner. I hope that in sha’ Allah you saw the great insight and benefit in her response and references and will in sha’ Allah contemplate on her response and draw closer to Allah (swt).
With that said, I would like to touch upon some things that may be contributing to your feelings, thus, leading to your anger, hurt, and questions.
First of all, you stated you had a very unhappy childhood and suffered from phobias and fears. Sadly, you have been sexually harassed as well. I am wondering if you have ever received in-depth counseling for these issues, brother. While you stated you are on medication, you did not state if you are seeing a therapist as well. Therapy is very important in terms of understanding fears and phobias as well as overcoming any trauma you may have suffered from being sexually harassed. All of these traumas and mental health issues such as phobias and fears can turn into anger, a deeper sadness, or disconnection if not properly addressed. While I do not know how long ago you were sexually harassed or if you still suffer from phobias and fears, it must be addressed, in sha’ Allah.
The fact that you grew up with parents who instilled Islamic values in you is good. However, perhaps they did not stress enough Allah’s (swt) abundant love and mercy for us – all which you are questioning. To know of Allah’s mercy, love, and blessings is such a gift!
We all know of the outcomes of disobeying; however, too often much emphasis is put on Allah’s wrath and punishment instead of His love and mercy for us. We need a deep knowledge and balance of His great love as well as the consequences for not being obedient. The Qur’an states,
”So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].” (3:159)
Brother, by relying upon Allah (swt) instead of being angry or having fear, you will, in sha’ Allah, experience the great joy of His mercy, blessings, and love in your life. However, you can only accomplish this by being determined to see the whole truth of Allah’s (swt) message to us through our beloved messenger, the Prophet Muhammad (saw).
In order for you to fully embrace these concepts, brother, I kindly suggest that you address your mental health issues and resolve them once and for all, in sha’ Allah.
It sounds as if you have been traumatized and in response you have turned inward, angry, hurt and confused, especially after watching your brother die a horrific death (may Allah forgive him, grant mercy, and Jannah). Brother, did you receive grief counseling for this?
Compounding this experience with your pre-existing phobias, fears, and history of sexual harassment, you should be very proud of yourself for attaining all that you have so far in life. You have a solid 10 year career, a family, and you appear to be stable in other areas. You have so much more in life to see, do, and experience. I firmly believe your mental health issues are partially responsible for your feelings regarding Allah (swt) and spirituality; you are denying yourself a full and joyful life. Not to mention the fact that it is impeding your relationship with Allah the Most High.
When our minds and emotions become dysfunctional such as in depression, chronic panic attacks, phobias, fears, and other mood changing conditions, it often magnifies things in a negative way. Often times, we cannot think rationally, or we overthink things to a point wherein we see things in a distorted way.
While I think your cognition is a reality in many ways regarding sad things in life, suffering and so forth, you are lacking the ability to see the whole picture and are only focusing on the negative to a point wherein it interferes with your life and happiness.
The key is to find balance, brother. No, life is not easy and it takes work; we also see and feel things that are sad. However, if left untreated, we can be robbed of joy if we do not address our own issues – and we all have things we need to work on, so you are not alone. However, there is a merciful, loving God, Allah (swt), who wants us to be happy. When we take a few steps towards Him, He (swt) takes many more towards us! How amazing is that?!
As you stated you are on medication, I want to point out that medication is supposed to relieve you of your symptoms, not make them worse or maintain them. With that said, I would kindly suggest that you speak with the prescribing doctor and inform him that they are not working. You may need a medication change or adjustment.
You stated that “I am taking high dose of Anti depression tablets, ESTOMINELS, from past 10 months. I am now rarely interested in religion. I don’t have any interest in offering salat, no interest of being a Muslim. No purpose in life”. Prior to the medication how did you feel? Did you have an interest in life? Did you keep your prayers and feel a connection to Allah (swt)? Could it be that the medication makes things worse? Please, try to think back to how you were before the medication and kindly write down any changes (such as you described) and look to see if possibly the medication has caused this apathy. In fact, if you look up the possible side effects of this medication, apathy is one of them.
Additionally, if you are not in counseling, I would kindly suggest you start getting counseling so you can talk to someone on a regular basis about the things that have been bothering you as well as things that have occurred in the past. It is a part of healing, brother.
Please do be kind to yourself. Eat healthy foods, exercise, take a walk in nature – look at the beauty around you. Be aware of the birds, the sounds of the bees, the colors of the trees and flowers, the open blue sky. All these are signs of life and signs of love and mercy. Try to engage in uplifting activities such as joining a social club or take up a new hobby. All these things help us achieve and maintain a healthy mind-body connection.
When you feel on edge or anxious, use dhikr to calm yourself, deep breathing techniques, as well as progressive muscle relaxation. The stress reduction techniques will also help you quiet your mind from all the clutter, sadness, anger and strife you may be feeling.
Also, I highly recommend dear brother that you pray, read Qur’an and call upon Allah (swt) and tell Him about all your sadness, anger and fears. Allah (swt) knows us better than we do, and He (swt) waits for His servant to come to Him. Allah (swt) is most merciful.
Brother, in sha’ Allah, you will begin to take matters into your own hands. I am confident you can. If you don’t want to marry this women, don’t. If your medication is not working, let your doctor know. You have suffered trauma, hurt and phobias in the past; let yourself heal from this by getting counseling.
Finally, Allah (swt) loves you, brother. Take the time to get to know the merciful, loving God (swt) that has created you. You are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.
Salam,
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