I am from the southern part of India. Here, dowry is a high issue. 2 years ago, I wrote an article regarding dowry issues and sent it to the admin of an Islamic page to post then I forgot that incident.
The admin was inspired by my work. He started to follow me on social media for 1 year. I was unaware about that.
Then he approached me to help. He helped me in matter related to my cousin.
We started to chat and talk about that issue of my cousin. Then we stopped chatting because we both know it's not good to chat. We didn't chat for one year.
Few months ago he got infected with Coronavirus. He texted me to make dua for him.
Few days later, I asked about his health issues. He was mentally stressed at that time and my words consoled him. I sent him some ayats for his shifa and asked him to recite them.
He already likes me for my character. He started to text me whenever he felt low during quarantine and after that. Now, it's become habitual for him to text me.
Earlier, we both hesitated to chat. We would chat only regarding deen. Nowadays we started to share personal matters.
Now it feels like he has become addicted to me. We are scared where it will end. He already has a bitter past because of a girl. I don't want to play with his emotions.
I don't know what to do. I'm from India. He is from another country and working in a Gulf country. He is alone and depressed because of many things. He said he feels good and relieved whenever he texts me.
I don't know what to do really, I'm scared. I'm seeking Allah's guidance. Please help.
I'm feeling guilty.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
In Islam, the only legitimate relationship between a man and a woman is that of marriage.
I would also like you to understand that even if he is addicted, or in love with you – you are not under an obligation to reciprocate the feeling, unless you absolutely feel the same way.
Name the feelings that are transpiring between the two of you.
You Do Not Have To Feel Responsible For His Feelings.
Do Not Play With His Emotions.
Ask Allah For Guidance.
Assalamu alaikum Sister,
Thank you for your question and for reaching out. From your post, it sounds like you are in an awkward and an uncomfortable position. And it also seems as though you are confused about the whole situation.
First of all – you need to know that you are under no obligation to be chatting or responding to him. If you are not comfortable with it. To me, it seems like you feel as though you “owe” him something because he helped you with your cousin’s dowry.
If he helped with the cousin’s dowry – it definitely shows that he is a sincere and a God-fearing person. But it does not mean that you have to compensate for it in anyway (unless you want to), because it was his choice to help your cousin, in the first place.
Name The Feelings
As you say, you are scared about how this will end – I believe you also need to ask yourself and the guy. What exactly it is which is transpiring between you? It is important to “name” it. Is it friendship? Or is it a relationship more than friendship? Is it courtship?
Has he proposed to you, or does he plan to do it? I think you are going too far thinking about how it will end – first you both need to be aware what exactly has “started” which may need to end. And if it needs to end – Why?
You have mentioned a couple of times that you feel scared. What exactly are your fears based on? Are they based on the fact that you do not want to keep the communication with this person, but you are unable to say No? Or are they based on the fact that you are finding yourself getting closer to the person, and you are scared of getting too close?
You Do Not Have To Feel Responsible For His Feelings
You have mentioned that this person is addicted to you. I feel that you also need to explore how you feel about him? And what is the feeling that drives you to keep responding or texting him back?
I believe it is important to be clear about your feelings – no matter what they are. Because you can only decide what you need to do, once you are fully aware of, and accept the way you feel.
I would also like you to understand that even if he is addicted, or in love with you – you are not under an obligation to reciprocate the feeling, unless you absolutely feel the same way.
You can be open about how you feel, and let him know that you are not comfortable chatting about personal matters (or anything) if this is how you actually feel.
On the other hand, if you feel the same pull towards him, then it is important to name the feeling. Take your time and understand what you really feel, and why you feel that way towards him? Also understand – that this is a stressful time for everyone.
Social distancing and isolation is creating feelings of loneliness and helplessness in everyone – everyone is desperately seeking a connection. So you both also need to see if this is something that has started only because you are feeling lonely.
In Islam, the only legitimate relationship between a man and a woman is that of marriage. However, Islam does not forbid one to get to know one another better before marriage (within the prescribed limits, you can get to know each other and your preferences, to know if you will be compatible in future).
However, if you are chatting with each other only to get past the loneliness, it would be better to cut off the communication altogether without further ado.
Do Not Play With His Emotions
You mentioned in your post, that he has had a bitter experience with a girl in the past and that you do not want to play with his emotions. And you are absolutely right about this.
Also you need to be very clear to him and yourself, from the very beginning if this is something you really want to get into. If you feel like marriage is not an option – you need to be very clear about your feelings and reason, and communicate them to him openly.
Understanding the Complications
On the other hand, if you feel as though marriage can be an option – you still need to think about factors such as cultural values, and personality compatibility. Before you go in deeper and start thinking along the lines of marriage – you need to be clear about your cultural as well as personal values.
Intercultural relationships and marriages often have their share of troubles, because both partners have grown up in totally different sets of values – so this is also something which you need to be clear on from the very start and be willing to make the commitment that you would work through the problems.
From in Islamic point of view, there is no harm in intercultural marriages. However, you would also need to see if your families would agree on something like this.
Check out this counseling video:
Ask Allah For Guidance
If there is a mutual feeling of liking each other, there is no shame in admitting it. If you feel that marrying someone like him is an open option for you.
Do an Istikhara and ask Allah for guidance. Allah SWT will guide you to understand better. If this is something that will be beneficial for you in this world or in the Hereafter.
Last but not the least – there is no need to feel guilt if you have to refuse him. Politely regarding not being the “right” person for him. Neither of you needs to take this matter personally. Because matters such as these are in the hands of Allah SWT. And He knows best who is good for whom.
Nothing in this world can happen without the Will of Allah. So you don’t need to be scared or guilty for anything. Communicate yourself assertively to the other person, in any case so that he does not have any misgivings.
May Allah SWT keep us all on the righteous path, Ameen.
Salam,
***
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Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/youth-q-a/pre-marital-relationships/end-haram-relationship-guy/
https://aboutislam.net/family-life/laying-foundations/break-check-emergency-first-aid-kit/
