But I feel I have been humiliated by Allah. My family kicked me out of the home.
I have my mom and dad, but I did not grow up with them. I have moved from home to home of my relatives, each kicking me out eventually.
I have lived my whole life as an orphan. I did not get any love from them.
I have failed miserably career wise. I have failed to get married. I feel so alone and empty. I don’t have any close friends that even know the battle that goes on in my life.
During the day, I put on a brave face and go about my day. However, at night, when I go home I feel so empty.
I am always in tears because I can’t look at anything that is going on well in my life.
I pray day and night but I feel my prayers never get answered. I feel like Allah just keeps humiliating me.
Even the man I had hope in and I thought he was the one, came and left. This was just like adding the last nail to the coffin.
Now I feel so sad, depressed, empty, and just like a moving zombie.
I don’t know how much more patient I need to be. I feel maybe Allah is testing me, but my soul cannot take it any more.
Please help me. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Try to be more social with friends. They may have recommendations for marriage and even enjoy helping you meet someone.
• Attempt to find a marriage partner via Muslim marriage sites, your friends and your local Imam.
• Consider forgiving your family and letting go of the pain that burdens you.
• Identify short term and long-term career goals to help you be more successful.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu Sister.
Thank you for taking the time to write in and trust us with your concern. It is my understanding you are struggling with many hardships and are finding it difficult to find a good partner for marriage.
Marriage
Please take some comfort in knowing you are still young. You are well within your years of having children. You have endured these years of struggle without any help, but here you are, still pushing forward. This shows you are a strong sister. Subhanallah, you need a brother that is the best match for you.
Marriage is not something to rush. I understand it is difficult to keep waiting, especially when you see others getting married. However, be sure, the right one will be presented to you at the right time.
I suggest socializing with your friends in your age range. You can go out and enjoy time with peers without doing anything haram. For example, you can consider everyone meeting up for coffee.
If you are being social around your peers, inshallah this could help you in the search for a husband. If you are not alone with a guy, but you are talking in public places, it is my understanding this is not haram.
Please understand I speak from the Counselor perspective, not the Scholar perspective. Refer to the Ask The Scholar page if you want to read jurist perspectives on male to female interactions.
You can also consider marriage sites online that allow a way to screen prospective spouses. You can find many Muslim marriage sites such as Half Our Deen.
I would also encourage you to speak with your local Imam. They may be able to assist you in this search.
Keep making duaa and continue to be patient. Inshallah the right marriage will come.
Family
I am sorry to hear your family has not been a source of comfort and safety for you. Sometimes people in our life are toxic and sources of pain instead of the uplifting role they should have taken. This is not your fault.
You can’t make them see your perspective, but it is your choice how you choose to perceive your past with them. You can choose to forgive and move forward in your life without holding onto baggage from their disappointments and pain.
You mentioned you were born out of wedlock. My dear sister, this has nothing to do with you. That was not a decision you had anything to do with and the Quran shows us that we are only held liable for the good or bad we earn ourselves.
“Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned…” [Quran 2:286]
You can consider speaking honestly with your family, but if you feel this is not going to help, then it is your choice.
Check out this counseling video:
Forgiving them and moving forward does not condone any wrongful actions they committed, but it does help to take some of that burden off your heart. Forgiveness is more so for YOU than it is for them. Please take some solace and reflect on this verse.
“Peace be upon you for what you patiently endured. And excellent is the final home” [Quran 13:24]
Here are some tips for enacting forgiveness towards them and releasing that from yourself.
Acknowledge and feel the pain. To forgive also means to face. If you can identify someone you trust to open up with, this can help inshallah.
Talk about how you were made to feel. Think about how you feel now. Get it all out whether that is by saying it, writing it down or even painting it expressively. Allow yourself to FEEL that and avoid the urge to isolate or bottle it all back up. Each time you confront it and work on resolving that internally it will get easier.
Perform a physical symbolic action to signify the moment you let this go and forgave them. Such as writing them a letter and mailing it or throwing away an old item from your past that was a reminder of bad memories.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself “I forgive them, I release myself”.
Keep making duaa. I know it is hard to forgive, remember Allah (Swt) sees how much you are struggling, and it all has a purpose, even if we can’t see it.
Career
You mentioned some career struggles. Sister, you can turn this around, inshallah! Some of the most successful people have had businesses fail, dropped out of school, lost all their investment money or got fired.
The key difference in success versus failure is that you never stop trying. I know this sounds clique, but you only fail if you give up. If one career path isn’t working or isn’t what you expected it to be, it is okay to change careers. You can also consider speaking with business coaches online if you need guidance related to career.
I suggest coming up with three long-term goals related to your career and write them down. Under those, write down three short-term goals you need to complete in order to achieve the long-term goal.
For example, let’s say you wanted to be the Chief Operating Officer of a specific company. You can put that as your long-term goal then identify short term goals such as they might want 4 years of relevant experience and specific certifications. Those would be part of your short-term goals.
Writing all this down helps you to see it more organized and visualize your goals. As you hit the short-term goals inshallah this will help keep you motivated for the long-term goal.
Final Thoughts
Sister, please understand you are doing great. You have endured hardships, yet you are focused on your ability to be a good Muslim and connect with the divine. Alhamdulillah, this is a blessing in itself! Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
Try to be more social with friends. They may have recommendations for marriage and even enjoy helping you meet someone.
Attempt to find a marriage partner via Muslim marriage sites, your friends and your local Imam.
Consider forgiving your family and letting go of the pain that burdens you.
Identify short term and long-term career goals to help you be more successful.
May Allah (Swt) guide your decisions and grant you ease,
Ameen.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.