Answer
In this counseling answer:
“My first suggestion would be to really ask yourself honestly why you want to marry this girl at your compound. What would you gain and lose by marrying her, and what would you gain/loss by not marrying her? Once you understand your feelings, then your second step would be to sit down with your wife and have a real and honest conversation about it.”
Salamu ‘Alaykum Brother,
Thank you for sending us your question. I ask Allah to help you and your wife come to a mutual understanding with each other and grant you both peace and serenity.
In summary, you have mentioned in your question that you desire to marry the girl who lives in your compound as a second wife. The main issue that is stopping you from doing so is your current wife’s actions to stop the marriage from happening. As a result, the girl’s parents refused your offer to marry their daughter.
Brother, as Muslims, we all know that marrying up to four wives is permissible. However, we need to know that it is permissible but not obligatory. In the Qur’an, it even tells us that if we decide to marry more than one wife, to do so with great caution,
“And it will not be within your power to treat your wives with equal fairness, however much you desire it.” (4:129)
Allah tells us that if one marries more than one wife, he must treat them equally, and the Quran warns us that this is a very difficult thing to do. You must understand this brother because marrying another wife comes with great responsibility that you may be underestimating. Being equal to both wives financially, physically, and emotionally is a daunting task, especially if one or more of your wives are not happy with the marriage.
Marriage is a lifelong partnership that is sacred. It should NOT be taken lightly, and it must not lose its value with time. It is easy for someone to lose interest in one’s wife or husband after many years of marriage because it is human nature to want something “new” and have the same rush of emotions when you first got married to someone else. But you must ask yourself if it is really worth it if your current marriage suffers because of this desire. What is your priority? Is it to have a wife during your time away from home to remedy your loneliness, or is it to keep your current marriage strong?
That being said, my first suggestion would be to really ask yourself honestly why you want to marry this girl at your compound. Only you have that answer. What would you gain and lose by marrying her, and what would you gain/loss by not marrying her? Once you understand your feelings, then your second step would be to sit down with your wife and have a real and honest conversation about it. Tell her how you feel and ask her to talk about her feelings. There is a reason why she went to the girl’s family and told them to stop the marriage from occurring. You need to find that reason and have her talk to you about it. Since she is your wife, she has many rights over you, and you must give her your time and humanity and seek to understand how she feels about all of this happening while she is far away from you.
Then you must both come to an agreement on how you as a couple are going to approach this situation. If you are lonely and in need of someone to be with you while you are away, see if you can both come up with possible solutions to remedy this problem like having your wife come visit you once a week or something of that sort. Whatever you both chose, the important thing is that the both of you acted as a team by hearing each other’s needs and coming up with a solution to remedy the problem together. Being a team is the true essence of marriage.
As for the girl in your compound, please do not worry about her. Alhamdulillah, she seems to have a family that cares about her. Allah has the master plan for everyone’s fate. If you decide not to marry her, it does not mean that she will not marry at all just because she said so. If Allah has written that she will marry, then she will. Wish her well and keep your priorities straight. Right now, your priority should be your wife and children. Go to your wife first, then see whether a second wife will be worth doing or not.
Salam,
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