Answer
In this counseling answer:
Both of you need to brush up on Islamic knowledge and discussions pertaining to polygamy. Get to know the conditions required for it to be healthy and practiced properly.
As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
It is unfortunate that you find yourself in this position, sister. Polygamy is a difficult situation to address. Some scholars do not consider it an obligation for the husband to inform his wife of another marriage. However, this is not the only opinion or interpretation of how to do this.
Clearly, your husband did a harmful, immature, and unhealthy thing. His excuse that he needed someone to look after his parents is interesting, to say the least. The question is, how do his parents need support and why is getting married in Egypt going to fulfill that? This is a conversation you need to open up to him and be persistent to understand his reasoning.
Why Does He Want A Second Wife?
It is possible that your husband was pressured by his parents to marry.
To be clear, no “religion” does anything on its own. We, the people, are the ones who give life to religion and make meaning of it the way we want. Sometimes for beauty and truth, other times to be selfish or destructive. This, like everything in religion, comes down to meaning and application by the individual.
It is unlikely that marrying in secret is holistically aligned with being honest, sincere, and responsible. All of these are virtues and standards of character in Islam. Thus, your situation with your husband needs further investigation. Both of you need to brush up on Islamic knowledge and discussions pertaining to polygamy. Get to know the conditions required for it to be healthy and practiced properly.
Would You Be Happy in Polygamy?
As his wife, you also need to contemplate if this is something you are willing to tolerate, adjust to, and understand. For some women, polygamy is a deal breaker no matter. Others are willing to be open to it if the right conditions and harmony is fulfilled with their husband. Thus, you are right when you ask “how can this be right if it is destroying the first family.” Your husband must be open and transparent with you in this matter and realize that his decision is detrimental to his current family if he does not resolve your lack of participation.
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You can decide to divorce him. But also recognize that this will also cause damage and harm to your family. While it is completely understandable that you are shocked and hurt, provided the situation, you may still have the chance to improve your family life with him in South Africa and keep it separate from his parents and wife in Egypt.
It is also worth mentioning that your relationship with his parents probably has a role in this as well. Are you close to them? Has there been negative history? Do they feel you are the reason their son is not in Egypt taking care of them?
I would suggest acknowledging the layers of your relationship with him and the in-laws to have a better sense of how to orient your discussions. Try to reconcile all the lack of trust or resentment. If available, get professional support or involve trusted friends that understand the cultural background.
May Allah (swt) help you,
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