Actually, I am constantly thinking bad things about my faith and my God. I do not feel motivated to ask for forgiveness or to do any acts of worship. I know I should not lose hope, but even that has depressed me for I read that losing hope is akin to shirk…which leads to hell. I have become lazy, I am always late for prayer, and I feel no desire to fast or do dhikr. I can’t wait to menstruate so I do not have to pray. I do not want to live but do not want to die either. I feel hopeless and helpless, yet somehow I am filled with arrogance and probably hypocrisy, too. I feel like it’s not fair even though I know that is a childish thought.
I also fear that my being this way and having these thoughts will negatively impact my children. How can I teach them Islam when I am filled with doubt and other bad feelings and thoughts? What can I do? I feel like I need some counseling, but there are no Muslim counselors here. Either I can talk to an imam, who cannot give me what I need, or a non-Muslim counselor. I do not want a ”make du`aa, pray on time etc. and you will be fixed” answer because I believe I need to get to the root of my problem so I can fix it from there instead of just band-aiding it. Otherwise, it will just happen again.
I need to know why I started thinking like this.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• You need to get to the root of the problem which requires someone that is capable of helping you.
• You are holding yourself back not the rules of Islam because you are stuck in a state of mind and heart that lacks the full understanding of what Islam is.
• You need to stop trying to do things out of a need to fulfill command and start realizing that the commands. Rather, they are Allah’s way of getting us to fulfill our divine purpose which is to realize our true selves and live accordingly.
• The best way to undo feelings of depression, guilt, and general darkness is to give of yourself – to be charitable and selfless for no other reason other than because that is what we are supposed to do.
As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,
Sister, my heart goes out to you. You sound as if you are in a virtual prison of your mind and heart and see very little hope of ever getting out. There may be many different factors and elements influencing your state of mind that go way beyond the parameters of your question.
Unfortunately, I am limited to what you have stated here, and I cannot guess what or how many things might be influencing you. By that, I mean everything from physical, metaphysical, health-related, family-related, economic and other factors that could be influencing how you feel about life, your religion, and yourself.
As such, I will only speak to what I know from what you have told us, which is not a lot. And I encourage you to follow up with us after this and help us to better understand your past and how and when these problems started surfacing.
Get a Clearer Picture of Your Problem
Clearly, you need a different orientation understanding and practicing Islam that is not solely about rules. You’re right; you need to get to the root of the problem which requires someone that is capable of helping you by understanding you and how you got to be where you’re at.
You need to be engaged in meaningful activities that you love, but that also contribute something to the world around you. I don’t know where you were taught that Islam is just about rules and about avoiding hell. Islam is about living a life in fitra, about contributing goodness to the world, and about being a real and complete human being.
The rules of our religion exist only to avoid that which is not healthy for us. That’s it, which is what Allah wants, for us to be healthy and happy through our love and attachment to Him.
The few rules that we have in Islam are not meant to suppress or oppress. They are healthy boundaries that are designed to protect us. Even if we cannot see the immediate results of their application, we must know that is what they are for, and if you try hard enough, I think you will see that they are for our benefit and never for our harm.
That is why He is the Most Merciful, but we have to realize that by living in a manner that reflects that mercy, not solely following rules to avoid going to hell.
Islam is…
Islam is about realizing your true self, and working/being in a manner that is true to that self. Brooding does not make one a Muslim – doing well out of love of Allah and wanting the best for His creation is.
Also, there is no point in working – as you put it – in a manner that makes you resentful toward Islam. Actually, Islam and the rules of religion are not holding you back – you are holding yourself back because you are stuck in a state of mind and heart that is totally one-sided and lacks the full understanding of what Islam is and is meant to be.
Islam is liberating in the sense that we don’t dwell on guilt in Islam.
If we sin, we make tawbah with sincerity, and we move on. We are not Catholics that spend their entire lives drowning in guilt. That is not Islam. If that is what you think Islam is, then you need a new orientation. And my feeling from what you have written is that orientation is a major problem – your orientation to this deen.
Check out this counseling video:
Our shari’ah is wide, with different interpretations of many aspects of life. We have different schools of thought/law with different opinions on many matters within those schools. Therefore, the rules of Islam are not as rigid as you seem to think. But we need real knowledge and understanding of how these rules should fit and help us shape our lives. They some oppressive monster, but as a way of maintaining healthy bodies, minds and relationships, for that is their goal.
The tests that we are put through in life have one purpose and one purpose only – to know and to serve Allah, who is the Most Merciful. Now, I know you’ve heard that before, and it doesn’t help you but what you aren’t realizing is that this ‘test’ is not meant to make your life miserable; it’s meant to show us the meaning and composition of Reality itself.
In a well-known Hadith Qudsi, the Prophet SAW said:
“Allah said, ‘I was a treasure that wished to be known, so I created creation so that I could be known.’”
The scholars have determined that from this hadith, we can better understand the meaning of life/existence in sum – that existence itself is a manifestation of God in the form of His Names and Attributes and it is our role/function in this life to know Him.
Our Purpose in Life
Therefore, every second of every day our purpose in life is to know Allah in everything we do and experience. Our purpose as the highest of creation, the only form of creation that has been blessed with intellect, is to realize Allah’s greatness, oneness, mercy, and love; by what? By manifesting these same beautiful attributes in our lives. We realize when we do.
Confucious said, “What I hear I forget, what I see I remember, what I do, I understand.” This is perennial wisdom, and its truth is that we can only fully understand (i.e. realize) Allah’s mercy and kindness when we do it, which is why when we pray we use our whole bodies, not just our minds and our mouths. We practice surrender to God by physically placing our faces on the ground – an act of humility and self-effacement – so that we can feel surrender, not just say it.
Therefore, our purpose in life is to live life to the fullest in terms of being merciful to the creation in a way that is best and easiest for us. By using the natural gifts, affinities and abilities that Allah has given each of us we can fulfill our divine purpose which is to glorify Allah by not ONLY worshipping Him ritually but by working on His behalf to spread mercy to others.
I say this only to tell you that you need to stop trying to do things out of a need to fulfill command and start realizing that the commands, rather, are Allah’s way of getting us to fulfill our divine purpose which is to realize our true selves and live accordingly.
Look at the life of the Prophet (saw) who is our greatest example of this. Everywhere he went, with whomever he was with, he was always engaged in an act of worship by helping others, teaching others, smiling, joking, bringing peace to people, and the like. He served his family, helped his friends and was always there for people when they needed him. Even his worst of enemies respected him for his trustworthiness and kindness.
That is what we should be striving for – not perfection but just simply contributing something positive to the world and being ourselves in doing so. The best way to undo feelings of depression, guilt, and general darkness is to give of yourself – to be charitable and selfless for no other reason other than because that is what we are supposed to do. Mind you, these don’t have to be ‘big’ things. Remember, even a smile is a form of charity that is loved by God.
So don’t get the idea in your head that you are not doing ‘enough.’ Just being your true self and not harming others is a form of charity in Islam. Of course, that does not mean we abandon rules and rituals; it means that we put everything in its proper context and place, and understand how these things are helpful and good for us and not meant to be oppressive.
May Allah guide you,
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