I am considering to take a second wife, but because of the bitter experience of polygamy of my mother and her suffering physically and spiritually as a second wife makes me hesitant.
But I desire children as I am getting old. This is giving me great concerns.
My wife is a great woman any man would desire and pray for.
I need your prayers and counsel. Thanks.
In this counseling answer:
Please do have yourself checked for fertility issues if you have not and please make istikharah regarding your decision to take a second wife.
Also, talk to your wife about it giving special attention to her feelings and concerns.
If you do decide to take a second wife, please prepare yourself for the possibility that the second wife may not be able to conceive either.
Being well prepared in all aspects of this situation will in sha’ Allah be of benefit to all involved.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Brother,
I am sorry to hear of your difficulties in conceiving a child. As you stated you have had medical tests done to rule out any issues for conceiving, I am wondering, were the tests done on both you and your wife?
In trying to get to the bottom of fertility problems, both the husband and wife should be examined. If you both were medically cleared for conceiving a child and no problems were detected, and you have not conceived in 17 years, it is quite possible that a child is not decreed for you and your wife but Allah (swt) knows best.
It could be that you do take a second wife and you would still be unable to produce a child. This may be especially true if your wife went through medical testing and you did not, thus, the inability to bear children would lie with you.
I would kindly suggest dear brother that if you have not had medical tests done to see if there is something with you that needs correction in order to produce a child, that you please do so, in sha’ Allah.
If you have had tests and there is no reason why you cannot create a child, I would kindly suggest that you sit down with your wife and discuss your wish to marry a second wife in order to have a child.
The approach you take with your wife will be most important in terms of how well it will be received. As humans, women usually don’t like sharing their husband as most husbands would not like sharing their wives if it were permissible.
Therefore, sensitivity, validating her feelings, and listening to her concerns (if she has them) is most important, brother.
In discussing this with her, ensure her that you love her, find her desirable, and that you feel you are able to make this situation work to everyone’s satisfaction and happiness. I am sure she is aware of your desire to have a child and perhaps she will be willing to accommodate your desire of taking a second wife given the circumstances.
Perhaps, if she is open to the idea, you may want to make her an active participant in helping you chose a second wife as well as any other details that surround this big decision. By making her a part of the process, you are creating a scenario in that she feels a part of this new way of life you are proposing. You both sound like you love each other very much alhumdulillah you respect each other. Respect and trust are vital components when considering polygamy.
Check out this counseling video:
While you had a bad experience in the past as a child with your mom suffering in a polygamous marriage, instead of reflecting upon the pain she went through, focus on what not to do in such a relationship. In other words, look back upon what hurt your mom, what actions, or lack of actions affected her negatively and try to avoid them if you do take a second wife.
I am so sorry this happened to your mom. Situations such as this do and can happen but much of the success or failure of such marriages can lie in the way the husband approaches his wife with the idea – the way he is or is not receptive to her feelings as well as how he treats his wives.
While your mom suffered as a result of a polygamous marriage (as well as other women have), many women function wonderfully in polygamous marriages and welcome the opportunity to be a co-wife with the special blessings that it can bring.
In sha’ Allah, brother, you are well read on what the stipulations are for having more than one wife and you are able to fulfill Allah’s (swt) commands in regards to this very serious type of arrangement. It is not easy but it can be done. Many have found great joy in this type of marriage.
Please do have yourself checked for fertility issues if you have not and please make istikharah regarding your decision to take a second wife. Also, talk to your wife about it giving special attention to her feelings and concerns.
If you do decide to take a second wife, please prepare yourself for the possibility that the second wife may not be able to conceive either. Being well prepared in all aspects of this situation will in sha’ Allah be of benefit to all involved.
We wish you the best brother. You are in our prayers.
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