I have all the facilities here, but I'm scared to live with them. I miss my family so much.
I cry all the time. I'm so attached to my mother. I just want to run away from here and live with my mom and family. I feel suffocated at my husband's house. Please help me. I feel imprisoned.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Speak honestly with your husband about your feelings, allow yourself to depend on him for support.
Set up weekly or bi-weekly meetings with your parents and utilize technology to video chat with them to help you adjust.
Engage in more activities that involve both your parents and his parents.
Try to bond more with his Mother.
Identify a hobby or activity that helps you feel more at ease within the home.
Consider looking for a private home for you and your husband.
Utilize prophetic duaas as well as speak from the heart in duaa.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu.
Thank you for taking the time to write in and trust us with your concern. It is my understanding you are very recently married, alhamdulillah, and you live with your husband’s family.
It is also my understanding you are missing your parents, often cry about it, feel caged in this house and do not feel comfortable.
Please understand it is not unusual to struggle after moving out for the first time. You took a big step towards adulthood and it causes many people anxiety. It will get easier for you inshallah.
First, my dear sister, I want to encourage you to speak openly with your husband. Let him know that you are struggling, and it is very hard for you being away from your family for the first time.
Ensure you are spending lots of alone time with him to help build your bond. This growing love will help you to feel more comfortable and at ease.
He is your partner and ultimate teammate in life, it’s okay to lean on him for support and encouragement.
Family Dynamics
While you did move out of your family home, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a big part of their life. Set aside time to visit with them weekly or every other week.
They can also join you at your home. Aside from the face to face meetups, utilize Facebook messenger, WhatsApp or any other messaging platform to video call them when you need some extra time with them.
They understand what it feels like to move out for the first time, they once experienced this. Maybe you need to call them every morning, if that is the case it is okay.
Over time it will get easier, but you can use this to buffer this period of transition.
I also encourage you to try and see his family as your extended family. They are not replacing your Mother and Father; they are a secondary Mother and Father.
I understand it is not the same and they will have different habits, but they are family now. Consider going out for coffee or lunch with your Mother in law, learn the things that she likes and try to build a deeper bond with her.
It will greatly help you as you transition if you find an ally within his parents.
Additionally, it is a good idea to do mixed events meaning your family and his family come together.
For example, you can invite your parents over for dinner and all of you eat together or all of you can meet up for an event in town. This helps to bridge the gap between the families and ease you into being more comfortable with your new family.
Feeling Caged
Sister, you mentioned feeling caged within the walls of this home. I suggest taking up a hobby or positive activity you can employ to escape this feeling.
Such as, taking a walk around the neighborhood or sitting outside reading. Find something that allows you to feel calmer and like you are taking a refreshing breath.
Remember Sister, even Prophets/Messengers of Allah (most honored and revered) have reached out for help and struggled.
There is nothing wrong in struggling and looking for a way to help calm yourself. This verse refers to the Prophet Noah (peace be upon him).
“So he invoked his Lord, “Indeed, I am overpowered, so help” [Quran 54:10]
Your Own Space
Additionally, please be aware it is your right to have a space of your own. This is also healthier and will you a greater sense of independence and that it is YOUR home not your Mother in law’s home.
I understand you might not be in a financial state to get a private home for you and your husband currently, but this is a good goal to work towards.
If this is something that that would make you happier, let him know you want a private residence and both of you can work towards this. Set a specific date such as one year from now you want to rent a private flat.
You can also consider decorating your private bedroom to feel more comforting and put up decorations from your old home that help you to feel more relaxed.
Check out this counseling video:
Such as, if you had specific decorations on your walls in your old room then you can put those up in your current room. The idea is to bring a little of the old home with you to the new home.
Duaas
You asked for specific duaas related to your situation. Here are some formal prophetic duaas you can use, but please be aware duaa does not need to be structured.
You can say ANYTHING in duaa and ask for whatever you like. Feel free to pour your heart out and speak to Allah (most honored and revered) about your struggles.
Remember, he is Ar-Razzaq (the Provider) and Al-Wahhab (The Supreme Bestower). I encourage you to use the names of Allah in your duaa and reflect on what they mean.
O Allah, I seek refuge in you from grief and sadness, from weakness and from laziness, from miserliness and from cowardice, from being overcome by debt and overpowered by men (i.e. others).
O Allah, it is Your mercy that I hope for, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for a blink of an eye, and rectify for me all of my affairs. None has the right to be worshiped except You.”
O Ever-Living, O Sustainer, in Your Mercy I seek relief.’ [Tirmidhi]
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
- Speak honestly with your husband about your feelings, allow yourself to depend on him for support
- Set up weekly or bi-weekly meetings with your parents and utilize technology to video chat with them to help you adjust
- Engage in more activities that involve both your parents and his parents
- Try to bond more with his Mother
- Identify a hobby or activity that helps you feel more at ease within the home
- Consider looking for a private home for you and your husband
- Utilize prophetic duaas as well as speak from the heart in duaa
I know this transitional period is not easy on you Sister, but inshallah it will get easier and eventually you’ll find you enjoy your greater independence! May Allah make it easy for you,
Amen,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.