I’ve been married for over two years now, and it’s always been a rather turbulent relationship due to breaking of promises, differences in plans, mental health issues, and the pressure of my family disowning me when I got married. I have no family input.
I am now pregnant and in the early stages. I believed after a very difficult year, my husband and I were ready for this new chapter in our lives and I’ve always been so excited to become a mother.
However, recently his brother got married, and his bride has been causing lots of issues within the family home. I have always dreamt of living in my own home with my husband and child, which I discussed with him.
Last year, my husband had promised to compromise and agreed to either move into my flat, which is empty, or buy a home for us when we are expecting. He now says he didn’t mean it and will never leave his family home, which is he shares with his two brothers and their families.
He told me I’m wrong for asking to have my own space and even said I can do what I like and go where I like now as he isn’t willing to move. He also said how he’s “postponed marrying me for a long time just to buy a house” so he can’t just give it up to live with me.
I’m just hurt, scared, and so confused and I don’t know what I should do. I get very claustrophobic with the amount of people living in a house, an issue from childhood perhaps.
Despite my husband knowing that and promising me to move, I now just feel like he’s tricked me into staying in this marriage with him and getting pregnant, only to now tell me to “do whatever I want”.
Is divorcing the only option I have when I feel so let down by him and so hurt by his blunt refusal to accept his broken promises and his strange acceptance to living with two other families.
There really isn’t any room as it’s only a four-bedroom house and each family are to have a room! This is causing me a great deal of anxiety and stress, which I know is bad for the unborn baby, but I just cannot rest my mind.
I have come to live back alone in my flat yesterday, as things have gotten too out of hand. I was worried my mental health was going to deteriorate as a result and that I’d end up harming myself.
Please give me some guidance as to what I should do. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Inform your husband that you desire to save the marriage, but that things need to be resolved. I recommended that you both go for marriage counseling. Talk to him about the possibility of his family moving out within a certain time period.
• While you are trying to work out your marriage, I encourage you to do good things for yourself.
• I encourage you to try to let that go, and instead focus on yourself and your baby.
• If you decide that you are going to be happy, enjoy the pregnancy, plan for the baby with or without him, you will, in shaa’ Allah.
• Please do see a therapist in your area
• Try to make amends with your family.
Assalamu alaykum, dear sister,
I’m sorry to hear about all the problems you’re having in your marriage. I can imagine you are very hurt right now and feel as though you are all alone, but you’re not. May Allah SWT make this easy on you and soften your husband’s heart.
Benefits of Living with Family
In many marriages, young people do live with their families in the beginning. It makes more financial sense, and often family members help each other with the children, the household chores, and other supports.
In your case, it doesn’t sound like that’s how it’s going. It sounds like there is a lot of disruption within the home and you are feeling very uncomfortable.
Wanting Your Own Home
Sister, if you want your own home and your husband can afford it, you should have your own home. You should not have to live in a situation that will disturb your mental health nor make you uncomfortable.
If your husband agreed to live separately with you, then that is what he should do. You should not be forced to live with two other families in a home. However, your husband seems very adamant that he is never going to leave his family structure.
Considerations of Wife
Ideally, your husband is supposed to consider your feelings and your weaknesses, such as a possible difficult childhood which hinders your mental health. He should also consider that there are problems in the home and should wish for you an environment that is conducive to your mental and physical health.
It seems at this point he is content having his way, regardless of how you feel. The problem with this is, you are his wife. He is to put your needs first. While he’s supposed to take care of his parents financially, he’s also supposed to take care of you. This means financially, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
Compromise
Sister, based on your question alone, I am not sure if your husband owns this home and all his family moved in, or if he is renting it. Perhaps if he owns it, he feels like he does not want to leave it.
In this case, you may want to propose that his family members rent their own places when they are able. This would be a sort of compromise that would have a set date. Ideally, each family should have their own home or apartment if they can afford it.
Keeping Promises
There are benefits to living with family, but there are also benefits to having your own home. A compromise of having his family move out after a certain amount of time may help remedy the situation.
However, as he has not kept his promises in the past and seems to not care right now, he may not hold to his promise even if you both agree to this.
Be Good to Yourself
Sister, given your situation, I would kindly suggest that you take care of your and your child’s needs first. As you have moved into your own flat right now, I would encourage you to try to work things out with your husband while you are separated.
In shaa’ Allah, inform your husband that you desire to save the marriage, but that things need to be resolved. I recommended that you both go for marriage counseling. Talk to him about the possibility of his family moving out within a certain time period.
Check out this video counseling:
While you are trying to work out your marriage, I encourage you to do good things for yourself. This would include spending enjoyable times with sisters from the Islamic community for support and encouragement. I also kindly suggest that you attend the Masjid for prayer and Islamic events as it will strengthen your resolve.
Please rely even more so on Allah for your needs, guidance, and direction. By becoming closer to Allah, you will reap the blessings and benefits of His mercy.
Separation
While you are in the state of separation, try to eat healthful foods, exercise, do enjoyable things, as well as embrace the new life that is growing within you. This is a very important and special time, and one that should be joyful, in shaa’ Allah.
As you are in a situation with your husband that is making things sad and difficult, I encourage you to try to let that go, and instead focus on yourself and your baby. Look at this as a new path. Your husband can choose to either be a loving, supportive part of it, or he can just carry on. Either way, you and your child will be fine!
New Paths
This path doesn’t have to mean that you will divorce your husband, or maybe it will. Only Allah knows. It does mean, however, that you’re trying to work things out with him. It also means that while you trying to work things out, you will be taking care of yourself and your unborn child with joy.
Allah gave you a precious gift of a child, so please do not let your husband steal this joy. Whatever happens with your marriage, please do know that Allah will take care of things for you and bless you either way.
Ways of Thinking Can Affect Outcomes
Sister, I am confident that you are a strong young lady and have a lot of wonderful things to look forward to regardless of how this turns out. Oftentimes, we are faced with trials and tests. By changing the way we think about things, the outcomes can change.
You are hurting right now, but if you changed your thoughts and said you’re not going to feel this way anymore, you may feel different. If you decide that you are going to be happy, enjoy the pregnancy, plan for the baby with or without him, you will, in shaa’ Allah.
If you actively engaged in joyous, happy things, in shaa’ Allah you will start to feel much better despite the outcome. While husbands can make us happy and fulfilled or sad and disappointed, ultimately, we are responsible for our own happiness and choices.
You have choices, sister. I know this is difficult and my heart goes out to you, but you are not the first nor last woman that has faced a situation like this.
Family Connection & Counseling
Please try to make amends with your family. I understand that they have stated that they disowned you, however, a parent can never really disown their child. They’re probably just very upset because you married him, and maybe they saw this character in him which is starting to show.
Sister, they love you very much and they’re hurt. In shaa’ Allah, if you attempt to reach out to them, they will respond lovingly. You probably need your parents right now as any young woman in your situation would.
Lastly, please do see a therapist in your area for counseling and support. As you are distraught and depressed right now, counseling can be a big benefit for you. It will also help you sort out what it is that you want to do with your marriage if your husband continues to be uncaring and uncompromising.
Conclusion
Sister, you deserve so much better. In shaa’ Allah, your husband can come to realize the blessing he has in his wife and unborn child. If he doesn’t, that will be his great loss.
I am confident that, in shaa’ Allah, everything will work out for you and your child’s benefit. Please start taking the steps towards self-love and confidence and start reaching out to others and depending on Allah SWT.
You’re in my prayers. We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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