I have been married for more than 2 years. In the 1st one and half years, we could not stay together much because of our studies. During this time, occasionally, I stayed with him.
Now for more than 8 months, we have been staying together MashaAllah, my husband is a nice man. The only problem is that he doesn’t want kids.
It’s not like never, but for some time he does not want. Please advise me on how to convince him.
I try my best to tell him how much I love kids, but he does not listen. He even stopped being intimate with me whenever I ask him about it. So now I can’t even tell him much.
I have hope in Allah that one day he will give me children, in sha Allah. Please advice on how to handle this situation.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Most men are usually scared of fatherhood and try to avoid it.
Parenthood is a huge responsibility, and both the mother and father have to be fully committed in their role as parents and caregivers to make it the best for their children.
Communication is the key in every relationship. The more you communicate, the more you will understand each other.
Sometimes, men need some time to think about things and let it sink in before they can agree to it.
Do not rush into anything and try to spend some quality time with your husband.
You can ask him when he wants to have children and set a time when you will start trying to have a baby.
As-Salam ‘Aleikum,
Thank you for writing to us, we appreciate it a lot. I will try advising you the best I can, In sha’ Allah.
Children are a big blessing from Allah (swt). The desire to have children is part of woman’s nature; therefore, I can understand the tension and the worry you have been going through. But, as you said, it is not that he does not want to have a baby in the future at all.
Parenthood
Parenthood is a huge responsibility, and both the mother and father have to be fully committed in their role as parents and caregivers to make it the best for their children.
Dealing with children is not always easy. Allah (swt) has reminded us in the Qur’an that children may even be a great trial for their parents. They can bring great joy, but also hardship or sadness:
“Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas God, with Him is a great reward (Paradise).” (64:15)
You are saying that he does not want kids for the time being. What reasons does he have for postponing having childen? Maybe it is because he does not feel ready for the responsibility yet. Most men are usually scared of fatherhood and try to avoid it.
It may be good if you sit down together and talk more about it as this will give you an idea of what is going on in his mind. Sometimes, men need some time to think about things and let it sink in before they can agree to it. Do not rush into anything and try to spend some quality time with your husband.
Communication
Communication is the key in every relationship. The more you communicate, the more you will understand each other. Do not push him if he does not want a baby right now. Give him some time to digest the idea of having a baby, and I am sure after some time he will be wanting a baby, in sha’ Allah.
You can maybe ask him when he wants to have children and set a time when you will start trying to have a baby.
Check out this counseling video:
Big decision
Having children is a big decision, and that is why it is important that you both are happy with this decision. Psychologist Dr. Josh Kiapow says, “Making decisions is not so much about what you decide on, but rather how you go about the process of making the decision”.
You have just started to live together recently, and maybe he does not want the honeymoon period to end so soon. So, it is very important that you both talk properly about this. You can try a few things to change his mind, but do not push him into anything. Be understanding and supportive.
Here are a few ideas:
1. Talk to other fathers
Advice him to talk to those friends, colleagues, or relatives of his who are already fathers. This is a perfect way for him to increase his knowledge about fatherhood and have a realistic idea how life with kids feels like.
2. You both can babysit a baby in your family
Try babysitting a baby – whom you are maybe more familiar with – for a few hours. Having some nice experience with children can help preparing him for fatherhood, in sha’ Allah.
3. Do his favorite activities.
If he likes to watch or play football or any other sports, then watch it with him and pay attention to it. You can tell him how fun it will be when your children will watch/play sports with him, in sha’ Allah. This might encourage him to at least just imagine his life with children.
4. Understand his insecurities
Every man wants to support their families, and maybe he is afraid that he will not be able to support his child. Help him to save money and praise him for being a responsible husband.
When he is confidence enough and knows he has your strong support, then he might consider having a baby, In sha’ Allah.
Convincing your husband to have a baby is not easy. I advise you to be patient and understanding. Allah says in the Qur’an:
“So be patient. Indeed, the Promise of Allah is truth.” (30:60)
The rewards of being patience are huge, and it is one of the best ways to seek Allah’s (swt) mercy.
May Allah (swt) ease your worries and tension and give you what you wish for.
Salam,
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https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/i-want-a-baby-and-he-doesnt/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-counselor/marital-obstacles/want-baby-husband-postpones/