They have now grown old. I love them more than my life.
I have recently got married. My husband is now telling me to abandon my pets whom I love more than myself.
They have been with me through thick and thin times. I have developed a special bond with them which cannot be explained.
My husband threatened to divorce me if I did not abandon my pets. I told him that I am not going to abandon my pets.
What should I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Explain the depth of the bond people feel to their animals and make sure you explain your unique bond with them.
Do not forget to tell him stories of your childhood and share special memories involving your animals.
Identify his specific issues with the animals and try to fix these.
Remember, he married you while you already had these animals.
Showcase to him how Islam encourages good treatment to all animals.
Help him enjoy fun activities with the animals to improve his bond with them.
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for taking the time to write in and trust us with your concerns. It is my understanding you have a dog and cat which have been with you since childhood. You have a special bond and your husband is now issuing you an ultimatum to get rid of them or he will leave.
Dear Sister, let me say first that it is emotionally toxic and abusive to threaten people with divorce like this. As someone who has experience with pet therapy and has grown up always having animals at home, I completely understand the bond you have with your childhood pets.
Your husband might not understand how people bond to their pets. For someone who has never bonded like this to animals and seen them as family, they don’t understand how hurtful and unrealistic it is to ask such a thing.
Let us examine ways to help understand why he is not bonding to your animals and how inshallah you can help him in this.
Explain the Bond
People that have not grown up with animals or had a special pet they bonded with don’t always understand the emotional bond we feel is more than just “a pet”.
They feel like part of your family, albeit not by species, but they are like adopted family members and to get rid of them is a heartbreak.
Talk to him showcasing the following examples that highlight the bond between animal and human.
ScienceDaily has an article showcasing evidence that animals improve their owner’s mental and physical health, provide more purpose in their life, and overall decrease stress.
More than half of the elderly population in America has a pet and this is further encouraged by nursing home facilities that include pet therapy for their residents.
Pet therapy is utilized by a variety of medical fields such as Psychiatry, Gerontology, Pediatrics, Cancer patients, etc.
Animals repeatedly showcase responses to our emotional states such as cuddling with their owners when they are sad, just as a family may hug us if we are sad.
Many owners dote on their animals like adopted “furbabies” with cute names, kissing their heads, clothing, and find ways to take them with them such as purses or animal strollers.
Numerous examples online of animals sacrificing their lives to protect their owners and owners risking personal safety to rescue their animals!
Animals separated for years have shown attachments and tear-jerking videos online when reunited with their humans; both human and animal showing a large emotional reaction/bond.
Check out this counseling video:
That most important is to explain to him how you feel about them. As he is your husband, he will respond to the needs of your heart.
Tell him how much you love them, explain the memories you have with them, and tell him stories of growing up with them. Let him see your emotion, let him see your bond with those animals.
I would do this in a gentle way, but also highlight that the bond you have with them existed before your husband was in your life and he knew about this before he married you.
Identify Problems
I encourage you to ask your husband what he is not bonding with the animals. He may have a specific concern that can be fixed. For example, he does not like how the litter box for the cat looks.
Many cat owners do not like seeing the litter box, this is a common issue. You could fix this by getting a hidden litter box such as one that looks like a piece of normal furniture. It is disguised as a table or shelf with the entrance on the side.
I would also ensure you are cleaning the litter box daily; it can help him adjust better to having one if he knows this and it is better for the cats. I have three cats Sister, I understand the daily work this adds but litter box concerns are common for cat owners, this may be bothering your husband.
As another example, he is annoyed by the animal hair around the house. No matter the dog or cat, they will shed.
If this is bothering him, make sure you have lint rollers readily available in the house and the house is being vacuumed by one of you on a slightly more than average basis.
Pet owners simply need to vacuum more often! I know it is impossible to remove all animal hair from the house, but this is another possibility that may make him feel more comfortable.
Islam and Animals
I assume this is not a religious problem for him; after all you had the animals before he married you, so he had no concerns at the nikah.
If he does identify religious concerns, remind him how animals are treated within Islam, the love for cats the Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) had, and the story of the dog in the Quran that slept with the people of the cave.
“And you would think them awake, while they were asleep. And We turned them to the right and to the left, while their dog stretched his forelegs at the entrance…”
He may also feel mercy and think more about your animals in reminding him of this well-known hadith. It highlights all creatures, not just humans, are part of the creation and respected.
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
Messenger of Allah (saw) said, “While a man was walking on his way he became extremely thirsty. He found a well, he went down into it to drink water.
Upon leaving it, he saw a dog which was panting out of thirst. His tongue was lolling out and he was eating moist earth from extreme thirst.
The man thought to himself: ‘This dog is extremely thirsty as I was.’ So, he descended into the well, filled up his leather sock with water, and holding it in his teeth, climbed up and quenched the thirst of the dog.
Allah appreciated his action and forgave his sins”. The Companions asked: “Shall we be rewarded for showing kindness to the animals also?” He (saw) said, “A reward is given in connection with every living creature”.
In the narration of Al-Bukhari, the Prophet (saw) is reported to have said: “Allah forgave him in appreciation of this act and admitted him to Jannah”.
Help Him Enjoy
Animals can very enjoyable when we identify the actions we enjoy the most with them. I suggest asking him to try playing fetch with the dog at a park, running with the dog or other fun physical activities.
He may find he enjoys throwing the frisbee with the dog or its simply enjoyable to have a furry running companion!
If either of your animals are playful, encourage him to try using their toys and playing indoors. For example, if your cat enjoys playing with feathers and ribbons hanging from wands then pick up a few from the pet store and ask him to try.
Your cat will enjoy the attention, it is healthy for the animal to play and your husband may smile and realize he is enjoying this as well.
Some people prefer the calmer activities with animals. Such as, he can try brushing the cat with a brush that catches the hair. This can be calming and relaxing for some people; while at the same time the animal usually enjoys this, and it will improve their bond.
Final Thoughts
My dear animal-loving Sister, I know this is a difficult situation to be in as we bond to our animals in a special way. Inshallah your husband just needs to better understand the bond and have some help in learning to bond with them himself.
Here is a summary of your next steps forward.
Explain the depth of the bond people feel to their animals and make sure you explain your unique with them. Do not forget to tell him stories of your childhood and share special memories involving your animals.
Identify his specific issues with the animals and try to fix these.
Remember he married you while you already had these animals.
Showcase to him how Islam encourages good treatment to all animals
Help him enjoy fun activities with the animals to improve his bond
May Allah (swt) help both of you solve this concern and move forward in harmony, ameen.
salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/about-muhammad/prophet-muhammads-practical-teaching-method/
https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/empathy-mark-true-believer/