I spoke to my husband about this issue. The longer I go without sex, I am afraid of committing zina.
He says it’s due to stress that he cannot satisfy me. I have done everything that I can to de-stress him, seduce him and initiate sex but nothing works. He can’t last long enough.
Funny thing is that he also wants to have another wife. While it is his right to marry, he refuses to divorce me as I asked.
I told him that it would be unfair if he married for his own pleasure (and because it’s sunnah). What about my needs?
I also need sex just as much men need it too. So, if he can’t satisfy me at least don’t keep me suffering.
I have reached the point that all I think about is only sex. I could be doing anything and sex is in my mind. I have become cranky because of it.
I know masturbation is haram and I understand that he cannot perform but I don’t know what to do anymore.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I would kindly ask you to please evaluate your situation in terms of your relationship with your husband.
As you stated he wants to take a second wife, I am wondering if there are relationship issues besides the sexual problems.
Stress can affect one’s sexual life and performance. It could be that your husband has a medical condition he is unaware of such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and so forth.
Please suggest an evaluation for depression, anxiety, or chronic stress. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues can also affect sexual performance.
His inability to maintain an erection and satisfy you sexually has nothing to do with you.
If your husband refuses to seek help to resolve his issue, you do have the right to divorce.
Often times Allah tests us in many different ways. We never know how we’re going to be tested. So please make duaa to Allah that He helps you to remain strong throughout this test.
As a couple, seek counseling with your local imam.
As Salamu Alaykum dear sister,
Sister, you did not comment on how your marriage was before your current situation. However, you say recently, your husband leaves you sexually dissatisfied. You fear you may commit Zina.
Sister, I would kindly ask you to please evaluate your situation in terms of your relationship with your husband. Examine how your relationship has been for the past couple of years. Did you use to have a good sex life with him? Did you have good communication with each other? Did you feel close to him?
These and other questions are important to evaluate because, at some point in your relationship, he has stopped being able to function sexually. As you stated he wants to take a second wife, I am wondering if there are relationship issues besides the sexual problems.
If you evaluate your relationship with your husband and determine that you both have gotten along very well, have felt close to each other, have things in common and are compatible, and have generally enjoyed a wonderful intimate life until now, perhaps the problem may be physical or mental health-related.
Points in Time: Physical & Mental Health
Try to identify a point in time when your husband stopped being able to satisfy you sexually. See if there are any events, conversations, or incidences that happened between you and your husband or if anything happened to your husband at work, etc. This may give you a clue as to why this has happened.
Perhaps the problem is not with the relationship but is actually with your husband’s medical or emotional state. He could truly be stressed out. Stress can affect one’s sexual life and performance. It could be that your husband has a medical condition he is unaware of such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and so forth.
With that said, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah, you speak with your husband about seeing a doctor and discussing why he cannot satisfy you sexually. Perhaps your husband needs to have a physical examination along with blood work to rule out any medical reasons for his inability to maintain an erection.
Please suggest an evaluation for depression, anxiety, or chronic stress. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues can also affect sexual performance.
Again, if anything alerts your attention for mental health issues, insha’Allah please do ask him kindly about it, how he feels, and whether or not he’ll be willing to see a counselor.
A Second Wife
Sister, there are many reasons why he may not be able to satisfy you sexually the way he used to. You state that he wants to take a second wife. It may be that your husband desires to take a second wife to see if he can perform sexually.
It may be that your husband feels very badly and self-conscious as a man that he cannot perform sexually. Maybe he feels he needs to “try” with someone else.
This is not a reason, however, to take a second wife. I’m not saying this is the reason he wants to take a second wife. It is just a thought. I can imagine that it hurt you very much when he informed you that he wanted to take a second wife.
It is rather surprising that he wants to take a second wife when he cannot even satisfy you sexually as his first wife. But again, perhaps he feels inadequate and feels that he may be able to perform sexually with someone else.
The sad thing is if his sexual dysfunction is due to a medical or mental health issue or stress, and he does take a second wife, he will not be able to please her sexually either.
Self Care, Self Esteem, Self Confidence
Sister, please know that his inability to maintain an erection and satisfy you sexually has nothing to do with you.
Many times, in a marriage, when things like this happen, the woman blames herself for the situation and ends up feeling bad about herself. Please know that this is his issue and his problem and has nothing to do with you directly.
I know in the context of things, this doesn’t help much. However, insha’Allah you can maintain solid self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence throughout this. This would include practicing self-care routines such as eating healthy, getting good sleep, finding enjoyable things to do, and just being “good” to yourself.
Check out this counseling video:
Fear of Zina
Regarding your feelings about fear of committing Zina, sister please know that this is not the way. I understand that you have needs and desires that are very strong. This is natural, you are human, a woman, and you have needs. Insha’Allah, look at this as a test.
Often times Allah tests us in many different ways. We never know how we’re going to be tested. So please make duaa to Allah that He helps you to remain strong throughout this test and trial. Insha’Allah, things will work out and you will reap the benefits and the blessings for keeping yourself on the righteous path.
Lack of Sexual Relations and Divorce
You stated that while it is his right to marry, he refused to divorce you as you had asked him. Sister, please know that in Islam it is a woman’s right to divorce just as it is a man’s right to divorce.
The right to divorce can be of many reasons, one of them being an inability to have sexual relations. Sexual relations are an important part of marriage, and marriage is the only relationship wherein sexual relations are permissible.
“Failure to fulfill the objectives and purposes for which marriage was initiated” (1) is one permissible reason to divorce.
One of the objectives and purposes of marriage is to be able to enjoy a loving, sexual relationship. Thus, if your husband denies sexual relations without a valid reason, your rights are being violated. If your husband is unable to satisfy you sexually, you are able to divorce him because this is one of your rights in the marriage.
Masturbation
Sister, I am not an Islamic scholar, and there are also different opinions on masturbation. I can advise you that masturbation may bring you relief and may prevent you from committing Zina. Masturbation is the lesser of the sins.
In other words, masturbation in moderation and not excess, and used to relieve oneself in order to not commit zina, may not be considered a sin.
Again, this is a debated topic among Scholars and Muslims. Please do seek advice from our “Ask the Scholar” section, or make dua to Allah and take the best route possible to prevent yourself from committing a major sin such as zina.
Try to Rectify Issues before Divorcing
Sister, Allah hates divorce, and we are to do everything that we can to prevent divorce. This would include taking the steps as discussed above insha’Allah, as well as seeking counsel with your local imam.
It could be that the problem goes deeper than a lack of sexual performance-satisfaction. It could be that there is something more that is malfunctioning within your marriage that needs to be corrected. If this is the case, I kindly would refer you to a marriage counselor. You may wish to discuss this with your husband.
Conclusion
My dear sister please do know that sooner or later this situation will be resolved. Insha’Allah, remain close to Allah, keep your Iman, and keep yourself pious; following Islamic guidelines and rules concerning staying away from sins.
Sister, please do explore the options as outlined above. Try to save your marriage. If this is not possible and your husband refuses to seek help to resolve his issue, you do have the right to divorce.
Insha’Allah, it will not come to that. Please know that our tests and trials are temporary and that being faithful to our Islamic values and principles will only bring us blessings in the future.
We wish you the best.
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