When my ex and I divorced, he promised by Allah to provide for them all their needs, and they lived with him while I went back to my country and started a new life.
I married a wonderful brother who is 5 years younger and was just beginning his life, with the promise we would have a year without my kids to get adjusted to one another, then spend a year with only 2 of them.
In this way, we could establish a strong life. But only one month into our marriage, my ex demanded I come to get 2 of my kids as his new wife couldn't care for them. So I had to break my promise.
Then after a year, I had to get the other 2. My ex is not giving us enough to even feed them for one week, let alone all their needs.
He says he has no money because his 7 kids in Egypt and his two wives need it.
I can’t take him to court because he's in a different country and there is no child support laws internationally. This is destroying my marriage.
My young, smart husband is working 14 hours a day in a factory to provide for my kids and can't find a job in his own field.
I worked full time but the kids were neglected and the house and we always fought. We moved to my hometown because its very very cheap but there are no good jobs and people hate Muslims and foreigners.
I don’t want to divorce. I love him. But it seems I must send my kids back to their father again so we can try to rebuild our new marriage.
There is so much resentment on both sides. Any advice is appreciated!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Sister, I want you to know that this problem needs a team to solve it; you will need a lawyer, a marriage counselor, a person or organization that can help with funds
Mothers’ first and foremost responsibility in Islam is to take care of their children and get them away from oppression.
Always make decisions that are best for the children.
Seek help from social services and mosques.
As-salaamu alaikum sister,
I am sorry to hear of your suffering. Because this problem is multifaceted, it is not within my ability to give you an answer. Nonetheless, I will do what you asked me to: give you “any advice” I can.
But, before I do that, I want you to know that this problem needs a team to solve it; you will need a lawyer, a marriage counselor, a person or organization that can help with funds (sadaqa), etc.
In charge
Please consider, with an awareness that Allah (swt) is watching you, what your first priority should be. In other words, what, on the Day of Judgment, will make you safe with Allah (swt)? As a mother of 4, my answer to this question would be: I need to make sure that I took care of that which Allah (swt) made me in charge of. There is a hadith that says:
“Everyone of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charge… a man is a guardian of his family and is responsible for them; a woman is a guardian of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for them.” (Bukhari)
To me, that means that my responsibility to my children comes before my responsibility to my husband. This hadeeth also means that if my ex-husband mistreats my children, it is my responsibility to protect them first before taking care of my personal needs or desires.
My first responsibility is to get my children away from oppression. Their right over me to take care of them is more my responsibility to my husband or my needs or our desire to be together. In other words, my need should be their needs!
Children come first
This is not to say that you should leave your present husband! The point I am making is: it seems to me that your choices so far, i.e., your primary focus, has been on your marital needs, your emotional needs and not your children’s needs.
Maybe I am wrong, so please forgive me! Once you have children, you can no longer think of your life as your own. Your life becomes your children’s lives more than your own. You can disagree with this because I may be wrong. But, I don’t think I am from what I have read about Islam.
If your focus and concern are ruled more by this world than your Next, then take this advice. Your duty to protect your children and their safety and growth should be in the forefront of your mind in all your decisions. I will describe to you why I got this feeling from what you wrote.
Leaving kids
I was surprised when you said that you left your children with your ex-husband who was abusive to you. If he was abusive to you, why would he not abuse your children too?
I had a client once whose father left his children with their abusive mother. When he divorced her, he “never looked back” because “it was too “painful’. The end result was: one of them became a heroin addict (for 10 years) and then an alcoholic after that.
The next one got straight F’s in seventh grade and then ran away from home. The next one became a chain smoker and alcoholic and died from lung cancer at the age of 50.
The next one was bulimic (throws up to stay thin), played with fire, and threw herself in front of a car to try to kill herself. She did not die. The last one died, also at the age of 50, from an overdose a combination of legal and illegal drugs.
All that to say, it is vitally important, in front of Allah (swt), that we take the charges that Allah (swt) has given us very seriously! When charged with the care of children, it is our duty to Allah (swt) to provide for them the things they need to grow up.
Check out this counseling video:
Taking responsibility
I was glad that you said you stopped working to take care of the house and kids. That to me was the “right” decision. However, yes, it did cause other problems, especially with finances. But, that to me is less important than your children’s rights over you for your “mothering”.
As regards your new husband’s role in your children’s lives: of course, it is a huge burden on him which he is not obliged to meet, but it seems he has been trying to meet it!
Ma sha’ Allah, may Allah (swt) bless his heart! Furthermore, it seems he is very reasonable, a hard worker, and interested in being a provider for your children—even though they are not his!
So, given these two criteria (your duty to care for your children first and his willingness to help you with that), maybe you two can figure out a way to do that—even it if means that he has to live separately from you for a while so that he can work in his field that he loves while you stay at home or work part-time so you can care for your kids. Then, once he is established in his work, you could move with him.
Other resources
Also, you live in America. In the USA, there are lots of social services such as food stamps and cash aid and money for child care while you job to train and/or job search. Have you been able to tap into any of those services?
Also, some mosques give one-time monetary help with rent and food to poor people. Have you been able to access those resources?
Lastly, given the anti-Muslim climate in America today, I hope that you can find a place to live that feels safe. We all suffer this false propaganda against Islam and Muslims. So, I want you to know that any oppression –from your ex or from the society –that you suffer is a blessing in disguise.
In other words, if you suffer for the sake of Allah (swt), your will be relieved and rewarded for it in the Next Life and maybe in this life too. In fact, Allah (swt) tests the hardest the ones He (swt) loves the most.
So, all your struggles and suffering may actually be good on some level. Allah (swt) may love you very much and is giving you tests as opportunities to get to the highest places in Jannah, In Sha’ Allah.
I hope this helped, if even if just a little. I feel your pain, sister! I pray Allah (swt) makes it easy for you going forward and that any hardship you suffer is only so that you can gain a greater reward from Allah (swt)!
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more:
https://aboutislam.net/shariah/prophet-muhammad/a-mercy-for-all/the-prophets-care-for-children/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/family/fathers-duty-toward-children/
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/family/muslim-womans-role-mother-2/