I’ve been married for almost 7 years now and have 2 kids. My wife and I dated for just 10 months before getting married, so we didn't get to know each other too well.
Shortly after our marriage, I came to realize that my wife has anger issues and throws tantrums when I try to correct her on something she's not doing right. This is basically the main reason we fight every time.
I have repeatedly told her that we can talk about whatever issues we are having maturely and understand each other without neighbors hearing our quarrels, but she won't bulge.
Our eldest is almost 6 and his sister is 3. My wife is highly intolerant with the kids, always yelling and screaming at them for inconsequential things and our neighbors can always hear her. I have told her that I really dislike her attitude, and even when she promises to stop, she always goes back to being herself again.
It has gotten to the point where I no longer complain, but I honestly don't enjoy our togetherness anymore. I just wake up, eat my food, go to work and when I come back home.
I go straight to my room. I do make it up to my kids for all that motherly affection that they're missing out on, which is making the marriage even harder for me. Please advise me on what to do.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Speak with her family if you are close to them.
You could sit down with your wife when things are calm and discuss counseling with her.
Assure her of your love for her.
In addition to counseling, the two of you can attend communication classes.
Read the Quran together; pray together.
Assalamu alaykum dear brother,
Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about the problems you are having in your marriage.
Anger and Quarrels
Your wife currently has an angry outburst, throws tantrums, quarrels with you frequently, is loud and argumentative, and is highly intolerant with the children. You also state that she’s always yelling and screaming at the children and the neighbors can hear her.
Walking on Eggshells
While you have tried resolving this with her, talking to her about it has thus far failed to change her disposition. She says she’ll stop, but she always goes back to being angry and abusive.
Brother, this is a highly stressful situation not only for you but for the children as well. Living with someone who has anger management issues is very trying. It’s almost like you’re having to walk around on eggshells all the time.
It is no way to live and it is not conducive to building an Islamic marriage and household. It is also psychologically damaging to the children.
Roots of Anger
Brother, I can imagine you are feeling tired and distressed. You no longer complain, but just go to work, come home and go to your room. It is not a happy life nor marriage for you. This can be a very depressing feeling.
I understand you have talked to her about her anger and treatment towards you and the children with no results. I am wondering if she has ever talked to you about what has made her so angry in her life.
Has she experienced trauma? Is there a history of child abuse? or other traumatic situations which could be the root of her anger? Everyone gets angry occasionally, however, it is not normal to be angry all the time to the point of being abusive.
Insha’Allah, if she can discover and resolve the root causes of her anger, she may be able to heal and change her behaviors. What you and your children are experiencing is emotional abuse from her angry outbursts.
At this point, your wife must realize that she has issues.
Counseling and Communication
Since you have already tried to resolve this with your wife with no results, I kindly suggest, brother, to speak with her family if you are close to them. Perhaps they can offer some insight into why she is like this, or if she was like this as a child growing up.
Perhaps her family may know of something that happened to her that may have caused her to develop into an angry person. If they are not available or you don’t feel comfortable asking them, you could sit down with your wife when things are calm and discuss counseling with her.
Check out this counseling video:
Assure her of your love for her. State that the marriage is in trouble due to her uncontrollable anger and that you would like to save your marriage. Please do get a list of counselors in your area ahead of time to present it to her for options.
Let her know that you will In shaa’ Allah support her in all possible ways if she goes to counseling. She may resist at first, however, In shaa’ Allah when she sees that you are serious about resolving this issue, she may respond favorably.
You may also want to suggest, in addition to counseling, that the two of you attend communication classes. Often, married couples without a specific issue attend a variety of marriage classes just to improve their marriage and their communication skills.
This wouldn’t hurt, and it could be a benefit for both of you. It may also help you gain skills that help you deal with her while she is getting counseling and healing.
When a person is angry all the time it is tiring and fatiguing. I can imagine she is tired of being angry all the time. Usually, the root of anger is a deep hurt, and to get to the bottom of what has hurt her, counseling is needed.
Refusing Help
Should your wife not want to go to counseling, you have the option of separating until she is ready to address her problems. I am suggesting this because it is a very unhealthy environment for you, and especially for the children.
If you have family nearby or friends that you and the children can stay with for some time, that would be optimal. I would suggest that she leave if there is a separation, however, it might be difficult to have her stay elsewhere given her anger issues and her inability to see things clearly at this time.
It will be hard to disrupt the children from their home, but it is better than leaving them in a home with someone who is screaming and yelling at them all the time. It is emotional abuse.
As children are entrusted to us as a gift from Allah, it is our duty to ensure that they are well taken care of and that their home life is peaceful.
Time for Change
I know that you are suffering too, brother, and this has hurt you very much. I can only imagine how distraught you must be. This must be so difficult for you. However, it is time for resolution and change.
Getting Closer to Allah
In addition to counseling, I also suggest that you and your wife spend time each night reading the Qur’an together. In shaa’ Allah, this will help immensely as well. One cannot read the Qur’an and remain angry and embittered.
If you can get into the habit of doing this each evening after the children are in bed, it may help your wife with her anger issues and the deep sadness that is within her. It may create an opening, through Allah’s mercy, for her to begin to confide in you and talk to you about what is really bothering her.
In shaa’ Allah, your wife will grow closer to Allah and take refuge in Him. In shaa’ Allah, over time you will see positive changes in her attitude as the Qu’ran is the prescription for our life and healing. Additionally, praying together as husband and wife is greatly beneficial.
Conclusion
Along with counseling, the more Islamic activities that you do together as husband and wife, the more apt she will be, In shaa’ Allah, to want to heal from wherever it is that is causing such anger and grief.
We wish you the best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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