I got married 2 years ago, but the wedding was a year ago. My only demands while searching for a suitable man was that my husband should be rich and educated abroad and, I want to live abroad.
I have clearly mentioned these demands to my parents and I trusted them in rest of the matters like deen etc.
My husband’s family is settled in India and husband studied in India.
My parents made sure they would mention my demands to husband’s parents as well. They believed they would pass this on to my husband as well because saying these directly to my husband before the wedding would be disrespectful.
I was also happy being an only daughter to get 3 elderly sisters in-laws (my mother’s age) who are all married and well settled. I love joint families.
However, the same night the wedding got over, all the sisters and close members left the house. It was just my husband, his old parents and I. I feel so lonely suddenly.
Also, I discovered that my husband wasn't working currently and was always just busy helping with brother in laws and other family things.
He was literally having zero income but his dad was earning so he got pocket money to adjust.
Due to this, he was not even able to take me for a honeymoon but these were things I could forgive.
Then came the next shock of my life, my husband started asking to consider settling in India. He said no one told him about staying abroad or settling in abroad.
He said he hates to go abroad and his parents never mentioned anything before marriage. I understood his parents hid everything from him.
When he understood I wouldn’t give up on my demands, he started breaking out in front of me and crying and begging. But I was rigid with my decision first of all. Seeing my husband throwing everything on the floor and getting emotionally unstable, I started getting scared whether he would hurt me. Soon I came to know I was pregnant.
My husband was overjoyed to hear this and he agreed to consider my condition. Since then things changed so much, he was the most caring husband in the world. He even stayed with me in the UAE. Things were going fine.
Then his parents visited us and my husband started having thoughts of his parents and their old age; they are staying alone and have no one to take care of them. I told him you can bring them to the UAE, I will stay with them happily here. But my in-laws are unwilling to come.
They want my husband and me to go and settle with them in India. I don’t understand how that is fair. We are making a life here happily and we are calling them here to join us.
My in-laws have stayed abroad during their young age and now when they are old they want their son to go and live with them in the village. I know my husband loves me a lot and he understands the situation that his place back in India is not very good for us.
He won’t force me to go back but seeing him worrying about his parents makes me so sad. I feel I am being a bad wife.
Please advise me. Am I wrong?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Having a baby can change a man, and that is what has happened with your husband.
I would suggest that you sit down with him and have a proper conversation about it.
He is concerned about his parents in their old age, and that just shows that he is a caring man.
If your husband is their only son then he will naturally feel the responsibility to look after his parents.
I would suggest that you give yourself and your husband some time to think through as moving to another country is a big change and a big decision to make.
As-Salamu ‘Aleikom sister,
I am glad to hear that your husband has changed into a very loving husband after you had your baby. Men usually change when they have children because they don’t only see you as their wife but also the mother of their child.
The bond gets even stronger between a wife and a husband. You should appreciate it and be thankful for having a good life partner.
Change
Having a baby can change a man, and that is what has happened with your husband. Science shows that the neural and hormonal mechanisms of paternal care, but so far the evidence suggests that mothers’ and fathers’ brains use a similar neural circuitry when taking care of their children. Moms and dads also undergo similar hormonal changes that are linked to their brain and behavior changes.
Father used to be different from the modern fathers today. Today’s father is no longer always the traditional married breadwinner and disciplinarian in the family. Psychological research across families from all ethnic backgrounds suggests that fathers’ affection increased family involvement.
Your husband seems like a man who cares about people around him, especially his family. This can be the reason people can easily utilize his energy and help because he is always willing to be there for other people. It is a good quality to have in one way.
Conversation
His parents on the other side may not want to move to a different country at this age. Why don’t you ask your husband to find a job in India if you had to move there? I know it can be lonely for you to move there.
I would suggest that you sat down with him and had a proper conversation about it. Tell him about how lonely you are there. Tell him that it will be easier for his parents to live with you in the UAE as you will be happier.
He is concerned about his parents in their old age, and that just shows that he is a caring man. You should convince him to move his parents to UAE to come and live with you both. Mention to him how proud you are of him and how well he is doing with his business in the UAE.
Responsibility
If you husband is their only son then he will naturally feel the responsibility to look after his parents. Islam has primarily placed the responsibility of looking after the parents on the shoulder of the male children. He can’t force you to look after his parents, but it sounds like you have a problem doing that as they are low maintenance.
Allah has mentioned in the Qur’an:
“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.” (Surah al-Isra: 23-24)
I personally also think that you will be better off in the UAE as your husband will be an independent man and earn his own money and support his family himself. It is good for his self-esteem and also gives him an identity of who he is.
I am sure he will listen to your advice if you talk to him nicely, as he does care about you and his child a lot. Find the right time and place and discuss with your husband in a good and polite manner.
Check out this counseling video:
His parents
If your husband keeps on persuading his parents to come to the UAE, I am sure they will come. It is just matter of time. Old people can become like kids and a little stubborn, but when they realize that their son isn’t willing to move to India, they will agree to move in with you, in sha Allah.
The main thing is that you and your husband communicate well with each other, understand each other’s point of view, respect and equally come to an agreement whether it is to move to India or not.
Either way, his parents should move in with you guys if your husband is their only son. However, if they have other sons in India, and they want to stay there, then maybe the easiest and most practical solution will be for them to stay with the son who lives in India, this way both parties will be happy.
I would suggest that you give yourself and your husband some time to think through as moving to another country is a big change and a big decision to make. Make sure you don’t hurt him with whatever decision you make.
May Allah make it easier for you both and guide you to the right path,
Salam,
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