I got to know her through a friend's friend. so we started dating, going together drinking and had sex many times.
Then she left my country. She fell in love with me so did I , but I never trusted her that she is honest with me because she betrayed me a couple of times and she Swore on everything that she is honest and she has never had sex with any one else except her husband as she was separated.
She wanted to marry me but i am not sure she was serious. However, things kept on going and later due to her financial stress or other things she left and didn't tell me anything as to what happened.
Then for three years I was in contact with her and after hajj I stopped having any illegal relation with anyone.
When she left I fell into haram and started dating other females because I started feeling lonely. I never had any issues at home being married and with kids.
I know that time I did wrong things and I still repent from my sins.
Before going she asked for commitment to take care of her; it means to marry her but I told her I can take care but I can't marry because I didn't have the confidence to trust her if she is lying.
I may be wrong on my part. I believe only Allah knows the best . I only take one thing positive that I stopped falling for haram.
Now a long time has passed I can't get her out of my mind and I can't focus on work and other things I feel very sad at this moment of time and due to the corona thing my work has stopped.
I keep on reminding those old things that happened with her sleeping with her talking to her and figuring it out if she was honest or not and so many things .
I feel that this happened to me because I was kind of dump witty kind of person who never lied and never had the confidence to lie and talk to women in a confident way compared to my friend and could not handle the situation or never made the right decision to be successful in life and acted very submissively.
I have always been into sports and fitness that's why i am still healthy but smoking is making me worst. I visited the doctor and started taking medication. However everything now and then did affect me too much compared to her effect on my life and myself .
I have so many responsibilities on my shoulders and I am very scared how can I cope with all these things. I never told anyone except a friend who is trying to help me out and this thing is going on for a long time.
I have her contact and pictures which I sometimes see , I need help as to how I can forget these old things which hit me badly every time I think of it. Thanks.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Let go of this toxic relationship.
Cut all social media links and communication to this woman.
Get rid of photos in a symbolic gesture of moving forward.
Seek out a long-term relationship with a woman you can trust.
Use fasting to help you curve desires.
Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you for taking the time to write in and express your concerns with us. It is my understanding you had an intimate relationship with a woman many years ago and she is on your mind a lot lately.
I also understand you do not trust this woman; she has a history of dishonesty and you are so stressed you now require regular medication.
My dear Brother, please understand this woman does not sound healthy for you or that she brings you happiness.
Rather it sounds like she has caused you distress, hardship, struggles in haram areas and now she wants you to financially take care of her.
I understand it can be hard to let go of a passionate romance and that feeling of “what if…” but all you describe paints the picture of an insecure woman that is using your emotions against you.
As you stated, you felt in the past you lacked confidence, and this is how she preyed upon you. Now is the time to stand up stronger and not allow this to happen again.
Cutting Ties
To begin with, in order to truly let her go you need to cut ties. Holding onto pictures and contact information only extends this connection and makes it harder on you.
I suggest letting all of this go, block her on social media and cut all ties. If you want to visit the idea of being friends with her that is your choice, but I encourage you to wait until you are over here completely before you do this. You have an emotional connection and history; she can use this against you.
I know this is a difficult act to do, but if you hold onto old photos and videos, it can be therapeutic to get rid of them.
If they are printed photos, you could burn them symbolically and think about how you are letting go of these toxic attachments that burned your heart.
If they are on your phone, you can delete them in an act of getting this out of your life and working towards healing.
Ask yourself an important question, do any of these things you hold onto bring you happiness? Or do they bring you sadness?
I understand you may want to tell her about this before you do it. That is your choice to make, I would be prepared that she will not accept it lightly or easily.
As she needs you for financial support, she is going to try and fight for her place in your life and assert you are making a mistake.
I encourage you to have someone you trust with you when you tell her you are cutting ties to help bolster you and keep you strong. Of course, you don’t have to explain yourself to her, but I understand if you want to.
Check out this counseling video:
Avoiding Haram While Lonely
You mentioned engaging with women when you felt lonely. Brother, please know this is not uncommon and something many Muslims struggle with.
I encourage you to consider seeking a healthy marriage once you have healed from this woman. In the meantime, here are some tips to help you avoid haram relationships during this time period.
Keep your communication appropriate. Remember you are looking for a potential wife not someone for fun over the phone.
While it is natural to have feelings and desires for certain topics, this can wait. Determining compatibility and trustworthiness is first and foremost.
You can utilize dating websites and apps such as HalfOurDeen or MuzMutch which focus on Muslims looking for other Muslims.
As Ramadan is approaching, this can inshallah help you. Fasting helps us to control our nafs and desires while at the same time reminding us of our faith.
Use this time to focus more on your faith and want you want in a wife versus old and toxic relationships.
The Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) stated that fasting helps to assist in preventing haram relationships, it is a way to control impulses and be more God-conscious.
“0 young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes from casting (evil glances). and preserves one from immorality; but those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting for it is a means of controlling sexual desire.
Coping Skills
Brother, this is not going to be easy and will hurt sometimes. During those hard moments, I encourage you to utilize positive coping skills.
These are skills you can implement to help you cope and manage your emotions as well as your thought processes. Please feel free to try out a variety of coping skills, here are a few examples.
- Walks in nature
- Praying
- Painting or drawing
- Listening to music
- Exercise
- Journaling
- Cooking
- Focusing on a project such as building a birdhouse or painting the patio
Try different things until you find a coping skill that works for you and helps you manage those emotions and funnel them into something positive.
Improving Focus
You mentioned difficulty with your focus and handling your responsibilities. Please take a deep breath and say out loud, “I am okay” because you are okay, and you can handle this.
As you heal from your past relationship, this will get easier. Inshallah to help improve your focus, during the moment you really need to set your sights on one job task or a specific responsibility, I want you to try and use a watch.
Set a time limit such as 30 minutes and when you set that watch or phone timer, push yourself to get as much done of that task as possible before the alarm rings.
This encourages you to keep going and pushing, knowing that your cut off time is approaching and helps to motivate us when we feel less eager to be productive.
After you hit that 30 minutes take a few minutes to relax and feel good that you accomplished X amount of time focusing. You can keep doing this and editing how much time you set on your alarm.
Also limit distractions during these times. For example, it’s not a good idea to have Facebook pulled up on your PC if you know you will check every notification despite working.
Reduce the external distractions around you, even if that means turning off phone notifications, so you can focus on the task you need to accomplish.
Final Thoughts
I know this is a difficult time for you. Here is a summarized list of your next step in moving forward.
- Let go of this toxic relationship
- Cut all social media links and communication to this woman
- Get rid of photos in a symbolic gesture of moving forward
- Seek out a long-term relationship with a woman you can trust
- Use fasting to help you curve desires
- Identify positive coping skills to employ as you heal
- Use a stopwatch as well as limited distractions to help you focus
As you heal and move forward, things will get easier for you over time. May Allah (Swt) heal your heart and make it easy for you, ameen.
salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/understanding-islam/5-ways-achieve-piety-fasting/