Way before my pregnancy, I already suspected that my husband has been cheating on me because of his change in his behavior; he started drinking alcohol. He told me it was my fault because I didn’t want to listen to his words. I feel really sad and depressed. I am thinking of divorce. I prayed to Allah (SWT) to give me a sign whether to stay with him or leave him. Suddenly, weeks after my du'a, a miracle happened; I got pregnant. That’s why I pursued them to get married. But I started to have feelings of doubt about my husband because our problems have become viral and instead of trying to solve them he seeks solace in that woman’s house.
She doesn’t even work while I do. I feel really neglected by my husband. I started to hate him and wish to divorce, but I cannot be selfish, because now I have a son and I don’t want him to grow up in a broken family. What should I do and how to cope with these feelings? Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Your children need a healthy family, which does not necessarily mean having their parents together.
• Have a clear sense of reality. Although divorce is not an encouraging option, it is allowed, especially if there are abuse, infidelity and effort to make things work but they don’t.
• Seek couple therapy as last option.
As-Salamu ‘Alikum Sister,
I am sorry to hear you are going through rough times. I noticed in your question that you are taking all the responsibility of the problems in your marriage and it is not fair.
First of all, let’s recognize that divorce is allowed in Islamic law in certain cases, including adultery. You have to face it; your husband has committed a “grave sin” not you. Zina is worse than getting a divorce! Please reflect on this reality.
Another important point you are missing is that your children need a healthy family, which does not necessarily mean having their parents together.
Children are always a blessing, and bringing life is really a miracle, but it should not be the main reason for you to keep this marriage.
In fact, adultery brings consequences not just to you as a wife, but to the whole family.
The Prophet (PBUH) said:
“O mankind! Beware of fornication/adultery for it entails six dire consequences: three of them relating to this world and three to the next world. As for the three that are related to this world, they are the following: it removes the glow of one’s face, brings poverty, and reduces the life-span. As for its dire consequences in the next world they are: it brings down the wrath of Allah upon the person, subjects him to terrible reckoning, and finally casts him in hell-fire” (Al-Bayhaqi)
Many women in our community drag themselves through terrible relationships, living a miserable life because they think they don’t have other options and divorce is prohibited.
Note, divorce is not appreciated and it is the dissolution of a family, but I want to call you to reflect; who has damaged this family in the first place?
Is it worth being with your husband because of your children and have him cheating on you? How do you expect to be a good mother living this way?
I really believe you are taking the blame and are not seeing the truth. Your husband has started an unlawful family and you see yourself as a selfish woman because you thought about divorcing him.
The first thing you have to do before taking any decision is to have a clear sense of reality. Although divorce is not an encouraging option, it is allowed, especially if there is abuse, infidelity and effort to make things work but they don’t.
Check out this counseling video:
You mentioned that you suggested for him marry this woman; you clearly tried to work it out and maintain your family.
Their decision is out of your control, and they decided to postpone it. The main goal of marriage is to create a family and to achieve happiness and virtue. So, when people are denied their right to end an unhappy marriage, this aim is seriously violated.
(Editor’s note: Sister, as last option, you can try going to a couple therapy. Therapy would even help you with the divorce process, in case you decided to take that option.)
If a couple will live in suffering, divorce, in this case, will be less disastrous. Consider this advice sister and at least have a balanced view of what is happening and do not fully blame yourself for the wrongful acts of your husband. May Allah guide you to the best decision possible.
Salam,
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