I'm 18 (almost 19) and I'm aware of my emotional and verbal abuse. Now I'm very introverted and hyper sensitive and anxious because of my father. I don't even want to get married one day because marriage for what I've seen is a box full of pain and abuse.
My mother is very passive. She says she is patient with him but I think she just accepted his illness and his abuses. I'm also confused. One day my mom tells us that "he is crazy, mentally ill and we have to ignore him, I will go to my parent's home if he continues". The next day she tells us " we have to be patient, if he is fire we have to be water, it's the illness that's making him behave that bad, it's your dad after all, he took care of you when you were a baby, why are you being ungrateful to him?" I don't know how to handle such confusion, seriously.
He can get angry easily and his rage can easily lead to violence. He doesn't think twice to grab my brother by the throat just because he is being "too slow when doing what I've asked for", or grab harshly my arm because " you're not cleaning well" or punch me in the face because I accidentally let the broom fall on his big toe. One day he beat me very harshly and without considering my sister who visited with her female friends their Muslim male classmate whose dad died. I know that it's not that halal but her intentions were pure and she didn't go alone nor she were aware of the fact that it's not a must to visit your male classmate because it's not mahram.
The fact is that he doesn't listen to what we have to say, he thinks that we are immature to even speak for ourselves or we as women have a lack of intellect so our opinion doesn't matter. When we try to explain him something, even when he asked for help, he doesn't listen to us. He turns his head to the other side with a nervous and negative face expression and when we finish it's just like we didn't speak at all. He is very stubborn in his ignorance. He wants everybody to go with his rules, even at work he wants to make his own rules just because he has a lot of experience in the field forgetting that he is just an employee and now he is fired. He doesn't respect us and always denigrate us. When he is at home, we don't breathe, it's like we live with a beast. easily Other families call my father strict, I call him ill because I've seen other families and there is a lot of respect and understanding. If he is in a room, automatically everybody gets out of the room. I don't think he gets the bad vibes that he's spreading. Just his presence makes me shake, PTSD victim.
He doesn't know how to love us, so he loves money. When he buys for us something to wear once in five years he tells us "remember it, and don't be ungrateful and come one day and tell me that I didn't take care of you".
I don't know what to do. I finished high school and now I want to go to university but there are no places available (in Italy it's another system), so I decided to wait for the next year but he doesn't understand that I'm not going to "school" this year. He doesn't think of my best, he just wants money and power. I've tried to explain him that it doesn't depend on me and we can't set our rules and having a gap year doesn't mean I've dropped school. But he gets angry, grab me harshly and repeat me in a threatening way that " you don't speak with me in that way (I was just explaining him the same thing a thousand times), and you should not say things that comes from your head. Listen to me and obey me." How can I obey him and he is being ignorant?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• While you may think he is narcissistic, it may be that he is intensely angry and depressed. He obviously has issues that are deep-rooted.
• You have several options, one of which is to go to the authorities as you are living in an abusive situation.
• You may want to ask your father if he would be open to family counseling or individual counseling for himself.
• Another option is to get a family member or trusted imam to speak on your behalf, someone who is not involved in the scenario, and one whom your father trust and likes.
As Salamu Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us with your most important question. I really admire the way that you self-advocate for yourself, your family, your father, and your situation. I see that you have done some research into what is possibly going on with your dad based on the symptoms that you are seeing.
You recognized that your father does not behave in a normal, healthy way. This prompted you to try to learn as much as you can about his situation that is affecting you and the family.
As you have described your father, he is violent, abusive, and is not open to listening to anyone else in the family. You stated that when he’s home that nobody can “breathe”. You also stated that he beats your sister, grabs your arm, and punched you in the face. This is horrendous. I can imagine that there are many other times of physical abuse as well.
Possible Mental Illness and Abuse
As your dad can easily get into an angry and violent rage, home is not a safe place as you well know. Sister, this must be a very hard way to live and it probably hurts you and your siblings and mom very much. You stated that you feel like a PTSD victim. I can imagine that you may have some symptoms of PTSD just from living in an abusive environment.
Homes are supposed to be a place of refuge and comfort. Home is where family members congregate to talk, enjoy each other, take care of household chores, cook, eat together and generally have harmonious relationships. Sadly, that is not how it is in a lot of families.
Sister, many families are living under conditions similar to yours. It appears that oftentimes parents lose the values or the drive to want to maintain Islamic values within the household. When we do not seek Islamic foundations for our homes oftentimes chaos erupts. While you stated that your father is mentally ill and that may be true, he still has an obligation to seek help. As he is cognizant enough to understand most things, I am sure that deep down he knows that there is something wrong with himself.
When we know there is something wrong, it is up to us to seek help from counseling sources or medical sources depending on what is wrong, and we are to seek help from Allah swt as well. As your father has not taken steps to get well, it could be that he is in a deep depression or his anger is so intense that he cannot remove himself from his mental situation psychologically. This is often the case when people are mentally ill, however at some level, he must realize his behavior is not normal, is destructive, abusive and haram.
Sister, while you may think he is narcissistic, it may be that he is intensely angry and depressed. He obviously has issues that are deep-rooted. However, only a trained therapist who does an assessment on your father can correctly diagnose him.
Based on what you said sister, rather than being narcissistic, it is quite possible that he has very low self-esteem and feels quite unworthy not only a father but as a man. Often times when people feel very badly about themselves they act just the opposite. Often they are very arrogant, they act as if they know everything, they are not open to hearing others opinions, they always have to be right and they are often abusive.
This is not always the case with people with low self-esteem but sometimes it is. They want to project that they are feeling strong, confident, and capable but deep down they do not feel that way at all, they feel very helpless. I may be wrong, and Allah forgive me, I’m just offering a few suggestions for insights into his behaviors. Some of the statements that you made gave me pause to bring up these possibilities. Particularly when you said he keeps reminding you of something he bought for you and then tells you don’t ever say that I didn’t take care of you.
Another instance is when you stated that he wants everybody to go with his rules and cannot handle when someone has a differing opinion.
Abuse is Vile and Haram
These examples of what may be wrong are in no way condoning his violent and vile behaviors. It is absolutely haram and vile to be abusive to one’s children and wife. In no way should he put his hands on you or your siblings of your mom to hurt you. You are living in a situation where there is domestic violence. Whether he is mentally ill or not at this point is irrelevant. I did expound upon it a little bit more to give you some illustrations as to possibly why some people act the way that they do as you were also looking. However, as stated only a therapist who evaluates your dad can come to an accurate diagnosis.
Seeking Safety: Some Options
You did not mention how long this abusive behavior has been going on but insha’Allah, you will find the strength and determination to seek help and make some changes. You have several options, one of which is to go to the authorities as you are living in an abusive situation. However, I will kindly suggest that when things are calm in the home that you sit down with your mom and your siblings and discuss an intervention for your father. You may want to discuss approaching him in a kind, respectful way and discuss the family dynamics and how things need to change so everybody can be happy.
I would kindly suggest that Insha’Allah, you use the Qu’ran as a guidance for your discussion. You may want to bring up certain points relating to family, loving relationships, and obligations to Allah as to how Muslims treat one another-especially family. You may also wish to discuss our beloved Prophet (pbuh) and how he treated his wives and family. He was the best to his wives, and he treated his family with loving kindness as well as everybody around him.
In regards to who does the intervention (if you chose to do this), as your mother seems traumatized as well concerning your father’s behavior, she may not want to approach him. As a family, you will have to decide who will approach him or if you will approach him as a family unit in a non-threatening way. If you do decide to discuss this with him please do make duaa to Allah before talking with him, that Allah touches his heart and your discussion with your father will be blessed and will go well.
When your father is approached, perhaps you may want to start the conversation as a discussion about the Prophet. That way your dad may not get so defensive. You may want to ask your father questions about the Prophet’s life in order to get your father to start thinking and an Islamic way.
Check out this counseling video:
When expressing your desires to have an Islamic family which is harmonious and loving insha’Allah, I will kindly suggest that you illustrate that when something is wrong or something is hurting, that we try to fix it. We do this through prayer, dua, and remembrance of Allah as well as reading Quran. Prayer and reading the Qur’an together should be a part of your family activities. We also seek help from those that Allah has blessed with the ability to help.
At some point in the conversation, you may want to ask your father if he would be open to family counseling or individual counseling for himself. You may wish to explain that you love him very much and want the best for him and for the family. As you know, he will probably become defensive and possibly angry. If so, and at that point, you also know that he will not hear anything you have to say. It would best to end the conversation to avoid further escalation.
Sister, another option is to get a family member or trusted imam to speak on your behalf, someone who is not involved in the scenario, and one whom your father trust and likes. Perhaps your father may listen to someone whom he feels is non-partial. On the other hand, he could be angry that you took the family business elsewhere. In any case, the situation must be addressed because under no situation should you or your siblings and mom have to endure abuse.
Leaving Home
If your father refuses to listen to your kind suggestions and seek help and refuses outside counsel from a family member or imam, your other alternative may be to go to live with your grandma and or one of your aunts. You may also want to discuss this with your siblings and your mom to see how they feel about remaining in the home with such violence around them. Perhaps it could be a temporary move for you, your mom and your siblings until your father in sha Allah decides to seek help.
If this is not an option for you, and if financially feasible, see about staying with a sister who is close to you. I understand it’s very hard leaving your home, but sister it’s even harder and more detrimental to remain in an abusive situation. Please do make plans for a safe way to leave if your father refuses to get help and change.
Counseling for Trauma
Insha’Allah, seriously considers the above possible suggestions. In addition, sister, please do get counseling regardless of the outcomes of your efforts. As you stated, you feel like you have PTSD and I can imagine you are suffering from all of the trauma and abuse.
Please, do seek counseling to further explore your options so you may live in a safe, healthy environment in peace.
We wish you the best,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.